Tonight I am.
Ups and downs. All the time. I had one very good week. I am not used to it and mentioned it many times. Then came the fall. It always does. Strangely, when it happens, and I try to reach out, no one is there – everyone is busy. Maybe that’s just a subjective feeling; I don’t know.
What I do know is that music is the most soothing thing for me when my mind is acting up.
I went on a date tonight. A movie date to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I grew up with music from Queen, and I know many songs. I read books about Freddie Mercury. Most notably the one by Jim Hutton. I like the band. I do. But I am not a superfan.
Hearing all those amazing songs in a movie theatre tonight was like balm for my soul. Music should always be playing this loud.
Of course, Who Wants to Live Forever made me cry, it always does.
But, the strangest thing happened too. There was something like magic in the air. The film ended, and the credits were rolling. The lights were on, and the exit doors were wide open, but the audience didn’t move. It was as if most people were just enjoying a couple more minutes of great music played loudly. And most people had that smile on their face, the blissful smile that only music or a live show can bring. It was quite extraordinary. And I loved it.
So… Shit mind and mood aside, music made me smile again tonight. It made me light. I know that tomorrow will be different again. I cried a lot these last two days, for no reason. Or seemingly so. I wish I were normal. I wish I didn’t burden people with this; with me. But I do. Because I am made of music. But I am also made of emotions. I am made of all the small pieces that make me whole. (Everyone is, I am not special)
I joined Goodreads a couple of days ago. Honestly, I have no real idea how it works, but I will figure it out on the go. The app doesn’t seem to allow me to do much.
Come join me there, please. It is quite lonesome at the moment and I don’t know what to do. I added half of my library, but got tired, lol.
Would you like to be my friend?
I am who I am because I fought to become this version of myself. My opinions are often not very popular, and my way of viewing people and life is a bit peculiar. But I – like you and everyone reading this and not – I am made of every choice, every thought, every emotion I ever experienced. I am who I am because no one is like me. I am unique. I am awesome. To some I am beautiful. I have flaws, and that’s okay. I am talented in my own style. I am not perfect, and sometimes, I am selfish, but… I am me and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be seen. I deserve to be here. I am who I am. I am Cathy.
Two things I read on twitter that made me smile
Gravity is the only thing keeping me here
(Apparently an Italian proverb… But I doubt it)
I want to be a pineapple. Messing up every dish must be awesome
The first made me smile because it is very poetic in its despair. Could be an Italian proverb, but I honestly don’t think it is.
The second one made me smile because for me, it seems to be true. I don’t like pineapple.
Have a great day…
I still have 15 copies of Unquiet Minds at home. I can sign them and send them wherever you are.
And here is a little secret. There are 3 typos in that version of the book. The typos were corrected. If you order you copy with me, you will receive a rarity. Doesn’t that sound like a great deal?
It’s also available on Amazon as paperback and ebook.
Go grab your copy!
It was by sheer coincidence that I noticed a five star review for my book Unquiet Minds on Amazon.de. It is the first review on Amazon, and I have no idea who wrote it. I think, I don’t know them, but I am very grateful for these beautiful and kind words.
Are you curious yet? Here is an Amazon link: Unquiet Minds
But you can also get in touch with me, and I’ll send you a signed edition.
I am really proud of those five stars 🙂
My mother has been ill ever since I can remember. Multiple sclerosis. Seeing her in a wheelchair was normalcy for me. I have never seen her walking at all. Helping her with her daily chores was hard, but I did it. After all, I wanted her to love me. And I wanted to please her.
When I was young, we (my sister and me) lived with my mother at our grandparent’s house. (Although my parents divorced when I was 9, they never lived together, at least not since I was born.) An aunt and two uncles lived there too. Primary caregivers of my mom have always been my grandma and me. I don’t know why my older sister never had to help around the house, but I had too. And if I didn’t, I was humiliated, yelled at, and ignored.
That was my childhood. I suffered a lot, but no one ever seemed to care. Whenever I dared to bring it up, I was told that I was ungrateful and that I had everything I needed. I had clothes and a roof above my head. What I needed though, was affection. Some days, I was told to go to my father’s if I had it that bad at home. The truth was though; my father was a stranger. A stranger named dad. When I visited him, he never tired of telling everyone that I was a real mommy’s girl. At home, everyone said that I was a daddy’s girl. Both didn’t show any affection. No pride, no praise, no cuddling, no bedtime stories. Nothing.
All that left deep wounds on my soul. I am still searching, always searching, for affection. I want to be loved. And I am not sure if there is a lot to love about me. All I ever heard was that I was nothing and that they wished I wasn’t born at all. But I was good enough to wipe my mother’s butt, cut her meals and feed her. I helped her to dress and brush her teeth… I washed her and put her to bed. I was a child… Someone should have done these things for me. But they didn’t do it. I learnt swimming from a neighbour. I was taught how to ride a bike by my aunts then boyfriend.
I feel rootless. I don’t have a deep bond with my family. My grandma died in 2016. I have never been as sad as I was then. Even though she was very cruel to me. My mother lives in a care facility. I have a hard time visiting her. And truth be told, I have only visited once this year. (Award for the worst daughter of the year is mine.) Her declining health and the memories of my childhood prevent me from seeing her. Whenever I visit her, I am a bawling mess for days afterwards. It’s really hard on me, and I am not trying to be a drama queen. I just can’t cope. I wish I was strong but I am not.
I was a child when I broke into pieces. My oddities come from that time. And sometimes it is a miracle that I am who I am. There has never been any support coming from my family. Not emotionally and certainly not financially. Everything I am, everything I achieved, I did it on my own.
There is a reason why this is flowing out of me. My aunt called and told me in a harsh tone that I am supposed to be there for my mother and that I should visit. Today or tomorrow. I have a busy schedule though. And I can’t drop everything right now. My own children and their needs are always first. She told me things that I didn’t know because my mother never told me, yet I am accused of being selfish and not caring. I care. But I also need to do what is best for me. At least I think so.
I am aware that people cannot relate to this. They love their parents and have a deep bond. I don’t. I envy you.
I was a child when I had to be an adult. I was lost, and it took until I was in my early thirties to work through the traumas. Usually, I am quick to forgive and to forget. But not that. I can’t forgive that they stole my childhood. And I can’t forget how they treated me. I didn’t ask for a lot. I knew better than to ask for anything. I just wanted to be loved. I was only a child…
This was me in 2015… (Pic above) I am not sure if it is true or not, but I think I changed a lot since then. Not only that I aged and that I am wearing my hair shorter and in its natural colour (with the greys on display…), I also lost some weight. Subjectively seen, I think that I also look younger. Though that too might be just my own impression and I leave it to you to judge that.
Those are just shallow things describing my appearance, though. I changed on the inside too. And that change can be seen in my eyes. Maybe that’s just my imagination, but I am pretty sure it is not. Also, the way I carry myself has changed.
I don’t want to be condescending towards people who don’t work, but work changed me. Personally, I think it changed me because I needed something to change. Work made me become a grown-up. (I was a mom, married, homeowner… But I was not an adult; I didn’t feel like one) Mind you; I was a stay at home mom for eight years, I understand staying home and taking care of the kids. And it is work that is often underrated. I love my kids to bits, but the truth is, I didn’t take care of myself. I neglected housework too. I was not well staying home, and I didn’t know it until it had to change. I was okay with it. In October 2015, I had a huge Telefon bill that I couldn’t explain to my husband (how do you explain that you called (and were called by) an international rockstar and built a deep life-changing connection with him), and I understood that I had to become active to take responsibilities for my actions. I was on the hunt for a job for a year. I didn’t find a job for various reasons (stayed too long at home, wasn’t experienced enough…) Until finally, in October 2016 I got an opportunity to take a job at a nursery. (I am an educator, specialised in toddlers and small children’s education and development.). Suffice to say; it didn’t work out. I am sure it was partly me, but it was partly them too. I didn’t have a chance to prove myself. After only three months I gave up, but I already had a new job by then. The one I am still holding today. This time, I clicked with the team, and although not everything is always easy, I still love to work there. I have one colleague who really brings out the best in me. Sometimes it is as if we are playing tennis, juggling ideas back and forth until they make sense. And that is why I love my job. As I said, she brings out the best in me at work.
It is no secret that these last months have been a real struggle. Last November was like the last nail in my coffin, and I fought until I was not strong enough to fight anymore. I was ready to give up. I am glad that I found some more strength in me.
These days, I am more positive again. Nothing particular happened. Just, one day I looked at myself and discovered that I am actually happy. I have great people in my life. Some are close; others aren’t. Some have been distant satellites for a long while and are a daily fixture in my life now, some just vanished. I have amazing kids (two daughters and a son). And I am a remarkable woman. Simple as that. A year ago, I wouldn’t have said that about myself and meant it. But again, I changed. A lot.
When I look at both pictures above, I think that maybe the Cathy with the purple hair was more innocent. She was less kinky. Fewer ambitions, less complicated, easier to please. The Cathy from the present is a very different woman. More mature. More adventurous. Opinionated. Easier to love. And more confident too.
I would ask you to judge me. But can I take it? What if you prefer young Cathy? I prefer the present version.
I treated myself to something beautiful and useful. Beautiful too. I like mala beads. Did I mention that they are beautiful? And I admit, I often wonder if they work. When I put the new mala on my left wrist, there was a strange sensation. At first I thought it was because they were cold, coming from the mailbox. But that sensation didn’t go away. Like a vibration. Soothing too. Hard to describe. But not negative.
The stones I am wearing on my wrist now are Smoky Quartz, Larvikite, and (of course) black Onyx.
I order my bracelets online from Tibetan Mala Shop. I found that one shop that I can honestly recommend (and I am usually rather reluctant to recommend anything at all). It’s easy and uncomplicated to order and I have never been disappointed, so far.
Purple background – purple is my favourite colour.
Isn’t it sad that I want to share this with my friends but they wouldn’t care or understand?
It was a tough tough day at work. Holy moly. It would be easier if everyone did their job right. But… I am not here to rant. I am happy to have that job and that I am able to work.
Same bracelet on both pictures. Funny how different it looks.