Didn’t she ramble?!

This blog-thing here is very selfish and egocentric. It is about my thoughts, my stream of consciousness, my options, my opinions. Me.

I am not qualified for many things. I don’t know much about music or mental health. I know about education and pedagogy. I know about raising kids and living on a tight but not too tight budget. I know about childhood trauma and divorced parents. I know about unrequited love and self-harm. I know a lot, but I am not an expert on many things.

I haven’t seen anyone who doesn’t live with me since Friday 13th. I haven’t spoken to many people either. But I have been continuously texting. I am online – all the time, and I am checking the news a lot too. 1333 confirmed infections today, 234 more than yesterday. In a country with approximately 620k inhabitants, this is a lot. And weirdly enough, I don’t know anyone who caught the virus. It’s odd, or maybe it just shows that I am a recluse most of the time anyway.

I am very active online these days, sharing a lot – mostly music related content or trivial things. Even on FB, that I keep for family and my close friends, I took part in challenges I would have ignored during other times.

I don’t know if this is healthy, I doubt it. But I am also grateful for all the amazing people who are interacting with me. Some of these people have been on my periphery for a while, but only ever at a distance, and now they are getting closer. Is it because I am willing to let them closer? I don’t know.

I don’t have cabin fever; at the same time, I am not in my best mood. Is it because I ate too many carbs after not having had any for weeks? Is it my natural female cycle?

It is a fact that I am busier now than I was before the lockdown. I am more present and as weird as it sounds (or as bad as it makes me look) I am making time – and finding time for things I used to ignore. Working out (I am proud about it, even if it is only 5 to 10 minutes a day) cleaning the kitchen daily, drinking enough tea and water, spending conscious time with the kids and saying ‘no’ when they ask to watch TV (instead we play board games or play silly games outside on the garden – it was never important for me to spend time outside with my daughters – now it is).

The Covid-19 virus is a moment to reset our lives, and I think I am doing a good job. I am focusing on the important things, and I am taking care of the people who matter to me, by getting in touch with them regularly – it is their choice if they respond or not – you can almost read the disappointment on the screen, my blood-related family does not care, once again.

I feel connected to people, and even though I am not too well (mentally), it makes a lot of sense. I am not alone, and for once, I understand this, and I feel it too. There is a lot of bad happening right now, but somehow, there is a lot of beauty in this situation too.

I want to thank you. You matter. ❤

Support the arts…

During these difficult times, lots of people are losing their careers and their livelihood. Musicians and artists too. If you can, support your favourite artist. Some are putting out A Song A Day.

Many incredible musicians are doing this, but I want to single out someone special. Tom Morris. He put his first song on Soundcloud today, and what can I say?! It is a brilliant song. Tom records his songs in under an hour. It is audible, but even in this raw state, this reached me right where it is important to be touched. The lyrics are very relevant, and again, I can relate. Now, if you follow this blog-thing, you know about Tom Morris and how much I like that guy. He is talented. A beautiful mind and soul. He is one of us – and I can never repay him for the impact he had on my life with a simple hug.

If you have a moment to spare, please, support Tom on Patreon. (I have a certain sum of money set aside each month that I use to support artists on Patreon or to buy music and books, it is the only luxury I allow myself these days.)

Follow these guys:

Tom Elliott Morris

David Oakes

Matthew Ryan

Ari Gudmundsson

These are just 4 musicians who make very different kinds of music. They are all on Bandcamp, and they also share their music on Twitter. (The above are Twitter-Links)

Music is very important in times like these; for me, it is – as you may have noticed these last days.

I don’t have much to say anymore. My poetry muse left me a while ago, and all I do is rambling. I believe that we change all the time. I never intended this blog to turn into a diary kind of thing, but in times when my voice is silent, and I can’t speak, I found that writing eases my tensions, and it turns my thoughts into words on a screen.

Let’s keep evolving.

Today was another less great day. The pain in my shoulder is back full-force.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Good night,

Cathy

Isolation

things changed in my life – a list:

  1. I made room for routines (getting up at the same time each day)
  2. I have been working out every day – yoga, squats, planks, jumping jacks…
  3. I have been eating healthier (since March 1st… it was a challenge)
  4. less alcohol (part of that challenge)
  5. I made time for music
  6. I began making my own bread (there is one in the oven now)
  7. I discovered overnight oats (they are delicious)
  8. away from the usual responsibilities at work and driving the kids around from here to there, I feel more relaxed
  9. watching less TV (yes, you read that right – less!)
  10. drinking lots of tea and water
  11. I enjoy homeschooling my kids and like spending time with them a lot. (I added this one because I am growing very tired of all the memes of parents being overwhelmed with their kids and only coping with alcohol. Parents who actually spend time with their kids and raised them well will enjoy this time  – it is an exceptional time, and the kids will never forget it, we should make it count.)

 

Sure, these don’t sound like life-altering things, but for me, they are. In my line of work, getting up every day at the same time is impossible, because of the shifts we work. Some days I need to get up early, and other days I can lie in… Right now, I have the luxury of sleeping longer than usual, but not being lazy either. I have breakfast every day at the same time, I work out every day at the same time… (with the kids, during their homeschooling break). Routines are nice.

 

Anyway, my bread is done, it looks and smells delicious….

Thank you for your support and your friendship, and at the recommendation of gigglingfattie, I will accept the challenge and write for the AtoZ Challenge in April. I want to step away from my comfort zone a little more often.

 

Thank you. 🙂

Mystery Blogger Award


Rules:

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

 

Truth be told, when Bill Fonda nominated me for this award, I had no idea what it is. I clicked myself through a couple of links and found rules and questions, and I saw a community of awesome bloggers. I feel honoured to be asked to be a part of this. Thank you, Bill.

So… What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

Mystery Blogger Award is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.
Okoto Enigma

 

3 things about myself

  • I hate nominating people because it makes those feel bad who are not nominated
  • My poetry and short stories are fiction 87% of the time
  • This week, I googled “how to answer to the question ‘who are you’?” because I never know how to respond and end up stating facts about me, but not who I am. Example: my name is Cathy, I am 37; from Luxembourg; working at a nursery… Those are facts, but these things don’t define me.

 

Bill’s questions:

1. Be honest … before coronavirus, how often did you wash your hands for more than 20 seconds at a time? Honestly? Several times daily. I work at a nursery, and hygiene is very important when taking care of babies and toddlers.

2. Who is the most-famous person you’ve ever interacted with? Tell us about what happened. I had to think about this one for a while. I listen to lots of music, and maybe I consider someone famous who is not known by people who don’t know the artist. I decided to mention the one who has the most followers on social media. Nathan Maingard. For a while, I felt quite connected with this artist, with his music and the way he saw the world. He interacted with his supporters and fans a lot, and he had a group of people who became friends through his music, and because of the way he shared parts of his journey. It was enlightening. Nothing special happened, just connection. But, I admit, I was very proud, and a little bit embarrassed when he read one of my poems on a live stream. That was special. Thank you, Nathan.

 

3. What’s one article or blog post you read over and over again? Please provide a link. This will be a short answer: none.

 

4. What’s the best blog you read? I don’t read too many blogs at the moment, but here are some I often read:

 

5. Why? No more than that, just … why? If I only knew, but I don’t. I often wonder about this too. Why? Sometimes, I think it is the worst question we can ask. Are we even prepared to hear the answer? Do we really want to know? When my kids ask me “why?”, and the answer is non-negotiable, my answer is always the same: ” because I said so, that’s why.” But often, yes I admit, I have no clue why.

 

Nominations:

I nominate all the people mentioned above, but I would also love to hear everyone else’s answers to the questions in the comments. Now, I know that most readers are silent readers, be brave – speak up. 💜

 

Questions:

  1. Do you remember when we first interacted? Remind me, please.
  2. What is the most important quality a person needs in this day and age?
  3. Who cares?
  4. If you look back on your life, what would you do exactly the way you did it before?
  5. What is happiness?

 

And last but not least, links to my best posts. This is hard for me, I am a tough critic, and it is hard to say which posts deserve to be shared again. But here goes:

The Busker is a short story that was initially written in 2013 and that I polished and reposted last week. I remember when I first shared it, there was someone who left an amazing comment, and I had to take a screenshot. (It took me a while, but I found it in the mess of pictures on my phone)

Bicycle Randomness – I like making lists. I am often struggling with my mental health, and compiling lists about myself helps me to get in touch with my inner self again.

Found This blog is about my struggles and thoughts. But it is also home to my poetry. I self-published two books which are available on Amazon worldwide and on my blog. I am proud of them. I dreamt about publishing for a long while until I realised that I didn’t need to wait for someone to discover me – with self-publishing, I had fate in my own hands, and I grabbed it with both fists.

 

I shared three very different posts, and I did it intentionally. There is a lot to discover on this blog—lots of words, but also lots of music. I hope you enjoyed all of this. ❤

Lots of love to you. Stay safe and kind and healthy,

Cathy

Friday 13th

Once Corona is done with us, we will all be fat from eating only pasta and watching Netflix, and we will be clad in toilet paper because we were bored during our (self-imposed-)quarantine.

All jokes aside, in Luxembourg, the government decided to close schools and nurseries and cancel every other activity for kids for two weeks or until further notice. This doesn’t mean that the kids don’t have to learn, because they all got schedules and homework. With email and WhatsApp groups, the kids and teachers and parents will be in touch and work together. Like a home office. Visits at the hospital or care homes are forbidden. Most concerts or theaters or different cultural events are canceled… Until the end of March (for now). And even though supermarkets will not be out of stock anytime soon, people are hoarding and emptying shelves. Funnily, I saw a pic of the ‘beverage’ department. It was empty, apart from the Corona beer. People are stupid.

I am not downplaying this pandemic, but I do think that if people were less selfish and egocentric, there would be enough for everyone. Instead, people are buying huge piles of soap or toilet paper, and those who need some are left empty-handed. Also… We are told to wash our hands and watch our hygiene, how can we do that when there is no soap left because one person bought so much it will last them for years? And… Is it news that we should wash our hands regularly with soap? I mean, isn’t that common knowledge? Will a bar of soap be worth more than a bar of gold in the near future?

In times like this, it becomes clear that we are selfish and greedy, and we lose all sense of kindness and humanity. Compassion is sparse as it is in today’s society; let’s not erase and forget this virtue in the wake of a virus infection that will probably affect many many people. (I wrote 70% of the world population, but that’s not a fact I checked.)

Stepping off my…?! Hm… I didn’t buy any soap and only have 9 rolls of toilet paper left!

Stepping off my plush carpet.

Be safe, be kind. Stay healthy, and take good care of you and yours.

xx

PS: And as I am sitting here on my bed, checking this post for mistakes, I look outside the window and see a big and bright rainbow (and a more faint one right next to it). There is beauty and all of this. Seek for it.

Drowning in a Sea of Voices

Dear Friends,

Did you notice? I published a new poetry collection. I am proud of it, it is filled with emotive words and lines.

Look at Amazon (worldwide) and you can order your copy from there, or, order it through this blog.

I know you want it. 🙂

Drowning in a Sea of Voices by Catherine Tricarico

Enjoy these poems with a glass or mug of your favourite drink, light a candle and put on some soft music. Come with me on a journey through the mind of a romantic fool. ❤

A review would make me happy too. 🙂 See? I am easy to please.

Thank you,

Cathy

Song of the Day (Saturday)

Anathema – the beginning and the end

I like this song, but I haven’t listened to it in a while. This morning it came on in my Spotify list, and it hit me in the right memories. Back in 2017, when I saw this band live for the fourth time (last time too…), this was the only song that had an impact on me. Granted, I was not in the best emotional place that night, but there was a lack of energy in the show that was not only coming from it being the last gig for the European leg of the tour.

A day later, I read a critic in the papers, what stuck was this part of a sentence: a small fat smoking guitarist

And although it is a mean and bullying thing to say, the author was not wrong. Poor lad, how crushing must it be to be judged like that on a daily basis?!

(I have a playlist of over 1000 songs that play on shuffle all the time. New songs I like are added to that playlist; it is updated almost daily, lol)

Either way, enjoy the song, and if you want a link to my playlist, just hit this link. It is public, after all. Cathy’s Spotify Playlist

Have a nice weekend.

Cathy

Crazy Wednesday Evening Randomness

I miss intimacy and someone who cares. I wonder why it is so hard for me to say this and for others to see? I am an open book, after all.

When my son told me about that friend taking his own life by throwing himself off a bridge, I was struggling. No, I was not affected by the loss of that child, I didn’t know the boy or his family, and yet, it got to me. It is part of my condition. I suffer internally when bad things happen.

It scares me. It scares me because sometimes I wonder if I could delete myself as easily as my Facebook account. I have lost track of how many times I deactivated that site. This time, I am going for deletion. There is nothing and no one who keeps me there, which is a lie – on my part. There are exactly three people who make me want to continue using Messenger. But, I am tired. I am tired of feeling ignored or neglected or abandoned. Even if I am not – it is my subjective emotion. People close to me, those who pay attention know that I have been raised in a way that I was ignored a lot. Affection was withheld. So now, when my mind suggests that people are treating me in a similar manner, I shut down. A wall comes up. I become nearly obsessive; at the same time, I become angry. Do I really deserve that?

The answer is NO. And you who are my friends don’t deserve it either. I am selfish, bordering on narcissistic. And I am in very bad shape right now. I push people away, and I don’t want to participate in anything. I can’t deal with anyone asking for attention. I need to be my own centre of attention.

I have been triggered. For a little over a week (October 6th), I have been struggling with self-harming behaviour. I haven’t done anything. I even consciously drank less alcohol and ate less crap than I usually do. But I am scared that it will happen.

Isn’t it pathetic?! I can’t be alone, but I don’t want anybody near me right now.

Nothing makes sense, least of all me – least of all mental illness.
Thoughts in circles. Not here nor there.

I was in training today (about speech development in small children). When I drove there, I wondered about mental illness. It is everywhere these days. It is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing for me because finally, I came to realise that I am not alone. Many people feel as intensely as I do. Joy and sorrow. I have been struggling with depression since I was a teenager. Maybe even before. This illness was always a part of me, and for all I knew, I was insane. No one was as sad as me. No one was as moody as me. No one hurt themselves to feel… The internet took a lot of the shame and guilt I carried around and gave it an explanation and a reason. Of course, now I read about mental health and illness, and I am turning into a hypochondriac mess. Am I manic? Am I bipolar? I should have it checked out. When I spoke to a doctor about how I feel (not even two years ago), she said to me that I should take Vitamin D and that the winter would soon be over. I never mentioned it again. Although she prescribed me something to lighten the mood. It still didn’t feel right. To me, it felt as if I was not taken seriously. Not nice.

I need intimacy. A hug. A cuddle. Someone who runs his hand through my hair while my head listens to his heartbeat, and tells me that it will be okay.

Presence is not enough right now.

Cathy

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PS: I saw Joker tonight. No spoilers…

I hope my death makes more cents than my life. ~ Arthur Fleck

Too hot to keep cool

I am clueless. Very often. What is happening?

And what the hell will happen to humanity if we keep going on like this?

The answer is: I don’t know. (Quote from one of my favourite movies: Reality Bites, I need to watch it again soon)

Fucking hell… I am speechless when I see the megalomaniac people, the egocentric ones, the selfish ones. Hate seems to be more valued than love, negativity is praised and “cool”, while positivity is weak and spiritual hippie crap. On the other side, being frail is accepted, flaws are welcome. Mental health issues are en vogue and everywhere and almost worn as a badge, as well as negated and diminished in the same conversation.

The world is full of complexities and opposites, and I am clueless about how to navigate them and about what will happen to us in these times of turmoil.

We will all go down. Fuck me… No one gets out of here alive.

But I am realizing more and more that serenity helps us get past any obstacles.

Most things are in our head, and reacting negatively makes everything worse instead of better. But positivity is so scarce these days, and, I, for one, have not learnt and experienced a lot of positivity in my formative years.

My mind is all over the place. And I am clueless. I often am. How can we sit back and watch as the world turns itself to dust?

What are you doing to make a change?

Me? I watch what I consume, recycle all my waste, take care of the environment, reduce the use of plastic… And, I work at a nursery where I try to educate the kids and share my values.

I also share my liberal values with my kids. I have discussions with them, explaining why I do the things in my own special way.

Yes, I am odd, but I am unique, and no matter how low my self-esteem can be, I also know that my presence enriches the life of everyone who is invited to walk on a part of their journey next to me.

It is too hot to keep cool…

Cathy

Tbt photo

I was actually trying to find a picture of me when I was pregnant; I mean, I have three kids, how hard can it be? Very hard! I found exactly three photos, and in only one you can actually see my belly – but that picture is blurry.

The idea for this post came from the many pregnant women in my life right now. Four of my friends are pregnant. And they will all give birth between November and December. There is my colleague at work, my neighbour, my sister-in-law, and an old friend from school. Try as I might, I cannot really remember my pregnancies. I mean, I do, yet I don’t. When your life and body are turned upside down for almost a year, and after that, you are sleep-deprived and suffering from breastfeeding dementia, I think it encourages memory loss.

The picture I shared was taken 12 days after my son’s birth. I was a couple of weeks shy of my 22nd birthday.

I love that picture. It’s very serene and peaceful, filled with love; protective too. That little guy on the picture is 14 years old and tall and handsome. He is an amazing human being who does his thing, never following any trends or pressures. I admire him. I want to be like that too. But I am an attention seeker, and I need to be validated all the time. Funnily enough, the only thing that I am very sure of is my parenting skills. I am sure that I am messing up all the time, but those three little people who grew from me and within me, are the best I ever created.

I want them to be fearless and kind and grateful. I want them to be considerate and never sell themselves short. At the same time, I want them to be modest. I want my kids to be good-hearted and tolerant. I want them to be open-minded and accepting of things and people that are different. I want them to be curious and thirsty with lust to learn and to live. Above all, I want them to know that whenever they fail, they are loved, and their mom – their parents, are there to consolidate them and help to resolve any issue that might arise. So far… I think we are on the right track.

When I feel down or bad, when depression devours me, then I talk to my kids, hug them, or just watch them, and I am reminded that I am needed, that I am not here in vain. I have a purpose.

This is all rambling just to say: I love my children. I love my family. I cannot for the life of me, imagine to be without them. They make me whole.

My husband plays a big part in this too. We have been a couple for almost 20 years now. Mind you; I am 36 – I know, I know, I am bragging, but I am allowed to do that here on my blog. I would never trade my husband for another man. He is handsome, intelligent, makes me laugh, doesn’t judge, and even after all these years, we are still talking – about everything. There are no secrets, no lies – everything is out in the open. Sometimes, we say things and grow silent because we don’t know how to react. We tend to ignore those elephants and keep living our peaceful lives. Once in a while, I am afraid that these things come back to bite us in the ass, but in the end – we are a strong couple. And we are this strong and weird and odd and unconventional because it is us.

My husband is the love of my life. So very different from me, but I don’t care. He is the most amazing man, and I want to grow old and fat with him. I want to make mistakes and cry and laugh and forgive. So far, I did all of it, and he never ran. Try finding a gem like that!

This turned out to be a stream of consciousness-y post.

Time to say goodnight.

I hope you all find someone to love, to have, and to hold.

*hugs*