Catherine Micqu

attention

Are we paying attention to the silent and the seemingly indifferent?

Are we seeing their unshed tears and hearing their unsaid words?

Are we aware of their uneasiness and their doubts?

Are we able to be kind, gentle, and compassionate to the invisible?

Are we paying attention?

Are we?

We are paying.

Pay attention!

How to mend a broken heart

Listening to your even breath

peaceful as it is

not revealing the tormented soul

underneath

if I could

I would

but tell me, how can I mend

your broken heart?

Your whispers sound like cries

searching for and exit

speaking of unseen hurt and a lost

love

if I could

I would

but tell me, how can I mend

your broken heart?

If I could

I would take your pain away

if I could I would make you mine to stay

through your tears

I recognize you

for years I waited for you

to hold you close

and if I could

I would

and now I know how to mend

your broken heart!

In 2013 I wrote a story called “A Long Journey to Love”. It was my first original novel and it is nowhere to be found anymore. For now. This poem was written exclusively for that story – from one character to the other. It’s one of the earliest posts on this blog too. Please enjoy.

Thinking about last year…

Where do I start? This year has been the best and the worst in a long while. But how and why? Well… On the outside, everything went really well. In February, I started the best job I could ever wish for. I am very happy there. I celebrated my tenth wedding anniversary with my husband in August. We built a house together and moved the family into said house last weekend. I reconciled with family members who were mere distant memories. I got a raise at work and a trainee, despite the few hours I work. (26 instead of 40). My kids are doing more or less well. Financially, everything seems to work out too. We are not rich, but we can afford to take the kids to the movies and to the restaurant once in a while. I had to get a new car in April. It drives me from a to b, but it’s not my favourite…
On the outside, everything is looking up.
The inside though, my internal life is a mess. I suffered from a sever bout of depression this year. Worse than ever before, and for the first time, I asked for help. I couldn’t go on the way I was. Asking for help felt like failing, but it also felt like being in control of my damned emotions again. My behaviour was toxic. I cut my skin and pretended that I was marking myself to remember things. I was in complete denial of my own needs and suffered willingly for someone else’s good. For a while, I took meds – I am not taking them right now, and they helped, but I also know that I need to get on without the chemical help. I was overwhelmed with the fast success and I felt inapt and unprepared. For everything. Stepping out of one’s comfort zone is a scary thing. Emotionally, this year was very draining. From dealing with the past and worrying about the future, to coping with the present. I tend to assume and overthink. I often suppose and project, instead of knowing, and that’s what gets me every time. Add people to the mix who are sending mixed signals and are slipping through my fingers when all I want is to keep them close – let’s just say that it was the “coup de grâce”. The cherry on top.
My low self-esteem and the fact that I seldom allow myself to praise myself or be proud of an achievement makes life even harder for me. As it did this year. I guess, my ups and downs are palpable in my writing and in my poetry. Mostly the downs though, because I don’t need to write as much when I am okay. (Or even in a manic phase.) I scare people away with my moods. I am quite overwhelming at times.
I also made friends and lost friends this year. Acquaintances became friends. Daily parts of my life. I was mentioned in the acknowledgements of two different books and a song was written with me in mind. I saw some live music, not a lot, and I bought some of music, I always do – nothing new.

My favourite books this year were “You” and its sequel “Hidden Bodies” by Caroline Kepnes.

My favourite movie was “Paris 05:59 Théo & Hugo”.

My favourite musical release? I couldn’t tell. I simply don’t know since I didn’t listen to all that much different music this year. Though, Spotify lists the following as my most listened artists this year:

  • Pearl Jam
  • IAMX
  • Anathema
  • New Order
  • Kate Bush
  • Tadgh Daly
  • Lone Wolf
  • Fabrizio Paterlini

I read a lot and I wrote a lot, but I couldn’t reach the 400 poems I wrote last year. But I also drank and smoked too much, lol. Again, self-destructive behaviour is one of my patterns.
I loved a lot, and hated very few things, and no people. I stood up for myself and cowered behind bad excuses at times too. I cried more tears than I shed the entire decade before. I felt anxiety and excitement…
And at the end of it all, I am daring to let go of an idea that has been planted in my mind for too long now. I kept holding on for the wrong reasons and now, my mind and my soul have to reconcile and accept that my heart is saying goodbye. I am letting go.

I had a good year. Intense and emotional, but successful too.

To everyone I accepted in my world and didn’t push away – please stay.
To everyone I accepted in my world and who betrayed me – fuck off.
To everyone I accepted in my world and pushed out – I am sorry, but it had to be this way.

To everyone reading this – thank you.

I know my flaws and my qualities and they help me survive.

Thank you all for your support and friendship, have a happy new year.

xx
Cathy

(A lighter version of this was shared on Wattpad…)

And when you call

I read your sensual words. I can’t deny the affect they have. The slight blush and the heat that wanders from my core to my center. I press my knees together. Blissful, tormenting heat.

I hear your voice. You called. And I hear the affect I have on you too. You sound breathless and your voice is higher. More heat spreads inside me. Blissful, tormenting heat. And it is your doing.

Your voice utters more words. My body reacts. You know it does. And as I follow your orders and give my own, I giggle. Yes, I giggle. Because you know the right words and the way they affect me. Goose flesh spreads all over my skin.

Wandering hands. Rustling sheets. Hushed voices on the phone, and heated skins. Words. Demanding. Sweet. Begging. More. And you know how to pleasure me.

The magic words. The ones that never disappoint. The order comes. I hear it and imagine your ragged breath against my ear. Your hands on me. Those words. Just two. Deeply affecting me. **** *****

Fire in my veins. Devouring pleasure. Trembling. Pulsating. Inside. Outside. And still your voice in me. Urging me on. Can’t stop now. The tension that once lived inside is soaking my fingers. Your words released me.

I can’t move. I can’t think. There are no words. Silence. Your silence is just as affecting as your words. Your erratic breath tells me everything I need to know. I affect you too.

For a moment, the world ceases to exist. Just you. Me. Our breaths. Our silence. Shared words that don’t need to be said. Subsiding heat. Fading tension. A chuckle. Two more words. And the call ends.

Catherine Micqu xx