Tossing and turning
The past and the future
No lessons I am learning.
Hands on my skin
I cannot push them away
Taken against my will
“Stop,” I whisper and pray.
But you didn’t stop
And you never will
I move on
I am standing still.
Twenty years later
You are still in me
You made me who I am
I will never be free.
Forced inside my body
Tattooed where you have been
I was fifteen when you had
your hands on my skin.
Vulnerable and emotional
Most days I grace you with silence
I don’t want to remember
You and your violence.
But today a friend told his story
And I feel brave this very instant too
It is not easy to speak;
To validate you.
I never forgot you and your smell,
I never will
Haunted in my dreams
Feeling the old chill.
You will never leave my soul
And no matter how far I run
You are already there
Declaring “this was fun.”
I was a victim of your lust
Not strong enough to kick you off
But a lot of time has passed
Is my forgiveness me being soft?
I don’t think it is
But I deserve more than the past
I own my present and the future too;
A future that will last.
When I want to give up
Your voice is part of the reason
It is hard not to give in
It is a battle to live to see another season.
Tossing and turning
These are old memories
Yet they are still burning.
Too many men and women survived the same ordeal
Superheroes in their own right
Broken but strong enough to see
Life is not made of darkness; it is made of light.
I am looking at you with new eyes
Trying to understand who is hiding under this disguise
Was it me all along?
And what about that new song?
I am standing in the rain
Hoping that it will wash my blindness down the drain
Was it me all along?
And were your emotions that strong?
I am listening to your voice
Hearing that you never had any other choice
Was it me all along?
And were all the others wrong?
I am melting against your touch
Understanding what you confessed; very much
It was me all along!
And in your arms, I do belong!
I need a rebirth
I am not lost.
just a no-show,
a bad host.
I’m wide awake
not under water.
nothing left at stake
not a victim of the slaughter.
I hold my fate in my hands
writer of my own story
creator of my future plans
I will shine in all my glory.
I chose to hide
or to emerge
being drowned in the tide,
this time I chose to purge.
bridges didn’t cave in
but we need to let it rest.
we should raise our chin
be proud that we passed the test.
there will be no last caress
and I wouldn’t want it any other way
it’s the safest way out of this mess
and we will live, even through the sway.
it makes me rise and sing
lets me forget my latest despair.
dance with me on the ledge
I’ll save you from the edge
rejoice with me
celebrate the times we survived
let the past be,
because we are the ones who thrive.
Leaves dancing in the rain
Sun licking the morning dew;
Reflections in the window pane
Grey skies turning blue.
Behind a concealing mask
Feelings are an uncomfortable mess,
To understand is an unbearable task
And it’s easier to leave than to stay, I guess.
Toxic thoughts and actions;
Driving so-called friends away
Understanding their reactions
But missing them forever and a day.
More light in the dark
More tears in an ocean
Another life’s mark
Overcome by emotion.
A head full of spinning thoughts
Cowering in the corner of my mind
To unfurl their knots.
Once again, I am left behind.
A soap bubble of for never
Floating up to the clouds
A memory to stay forever
Hidden from the crowds.
I am the shadow in my light
I am the hope in my despair
But after my lastest sleepless night
I can say that I am still there.
I don’t know where I am going.
Would you catch me if I ran?
Would you take me back again?
Say something; tell me
That I am in your heart
And that I inspire your art.
I can still feel you under my skin.
Life is not the same without your light
Let me fall asleep in your arms; hold me tight.
I was wishing upon a star to find a place in the middle of your heart
I was wishing and wishing and wishing
But all I got was an insult and the courage to make a new start.
The star knew better than to grant my wish
I was crying and crying and crying
My tears became a salty river for the fish.
The middle of your heart was filled with love for an other
I finally understood
There was no need to repeat my wish, I was too good to be your secret lover.
And so I looked at the night sky and thanked the shooting star
I smiled and smiled and laughed
An unfulfilled wish was what I needed to see who you really are.
Haunted by the butterfly’s wings
Hurricanes and chaos are what it brings.
Small and overseen
But I know what it means.
A flap of its wings doesn’t look like much
Just like we dismiss a fleeting touch.
You see? There is a reason for the smallest things
Did you hear about the chain and its links?
Yes, that’s what I am talking about;
About silence and nothingness being loud.
On the wings of a butterfly, we fly away
To somewhere, where we can watch the end of every day.
A simple touch, a simple mistake,
Often that is all it takes
A blink of an eye, a butterfly’s breath
I suppose you can do the math.
Everything happens for a reason
Just like the change of season.
Love your fate
And remember there is nothing worth the hate.
Free yourself from past memories
And whistle the future’s new melody.
The wings of the butterfly are strong enough to carry us
All it takes is one leap of faith and a lot of guts.
(Repost from October 2nd, 2016)
Foreign soul in an enchanted land, I’ll lay down and die for you. I’d bleed for you. Just to save you.
Foreign soul, therein lies the curse. I cannot close my eyes. I cannot stop to breathe. Just to save you.
Foreign soul, find shelter in my heart. I cannot unknow you. I cannot unbreak you. Just to save me.
Foreign soul, I forgot how to speak your language. But I understand your tears and your smiles. They save me.
I’ve been on this road for many years
Trying to forget all those tears.
And in the deepest low
Behind the darkest glow,
Hope was always hiding
A light was always shining.
I’ve been on this road, walking endless miles
Ignoring the past’s echoes and its cries.
And as I stopped and sat down
It took me a moment to understand that there were new friends in town.
My restless travels and my frantic searching were in vain
This was where I wanted to be stayin’.
I’ve been down that road so many times
Creating stories and words in my minds.
And in the shining sun
When I felt like I needed to run,
I found solace in my broken thoughts,
Tying together their fraying knots.
But this is not the end of the road,
This traveler’s pace has just been slowed.
Soaking in the beautiful landscape
Even the one that was manmade.
Just resting my weary eyes
And listening to the path the soul takes when it flies…
Waiting for you to wake up.
Your eyes are opened wide, but you can’t see.