This was me in 2015… (Pic above) I am not sure if it is true or not, but I think I changed a lot since then. Not only that I aged and that I am wearing my hair shorter and in its natural colour (with the greys on display…), I also lost some weight. Subjectively seen, I think that I also look younger. Though that too might be just my own impression and I leave it to you to judge that.
Those are just shallow things describing my appearance, though. I changed on the inside too. And that change can be seen in my eyes. Maybe that’s just my imagination, but I am pretty sure it is not. Also, the way I carry myself has changed.
I don’t want to be condescending towards people who don’t work, but work changed me. Personally, I think it changed me because I needed something to change. Work made me become a grown-up. (I was a mom, married, homeowner… But I was not an adult; I didn’t feel like one) Mind you; I was a stay at home mom for eight years, I understand staying home and taking care of the kids. And it is work that is often underrated. I love my kids to bits, but the truth is, I didn’t take care of myself. I neglected housework too. I was not well staying home, and I didn’t know it until it had to change. I was okay with it. In October 2015, I had a huge Telefon bill that I couldn’t explain to my husband (how do you explain that you called (and were called by) an international rockstar and built a deep life-changing connection with him), and I understood that I had to become active to take responsibilities for my actions. I was on the hunt for a job for a year. I didn’t find a job for various reasons (stayed too long at home, wasn’t experienced enough…) Until finally, in October 2016 I got an opportunity to take a job at a nursery. (I am an educator, specialised in toddlers and small children’s education and development.). Suffice to say; it didn’t work out. I am sure it was partly me, but it was partly them too. I didn’t have a chance to prove myself. After only three months I gave up, but I already had a new job by then. The one I am still holding today. This time, I clicked with the team, and although not everything is always easy, I still love to work there. I have one colleague who really brings out the best in me. Sometimes it is as if we are playing tennis, juggling ideas back and forth until they make sense. And that is why I love my job. As I said, she brings out the best in me at work.
It is no secret that these last months have been a real struggle. Last November was like the last nail in my coffin, and I fought until I was not strong enough to fight anymore. I was ready to give up. I am glad that I found some more strength in me.
These days, I am more positive again. Nothing particular happened. Just, one day I looked at myself and discovered that I am actually happy. I have great people in my life. Some are close; others aren’t. Some have been distant satellites for a long while and are a daily fixture in my life now, some just vanished. I have amazing kids (two daughters and a son). And I am a remarkable woman. Simple as that. A year ago, I wouldn’t have said that about myself and meant it. But again, I changed. A lot.
When I look at both pictures above, I think that maybe the Cathy with the purple hair was more innocent. She was less kinky. Fewer ambitions, less complicated, easier to please. The Cathy from the present is a very different woman. More mature. More adventurous. Opinionated. Easier to love. And more confident too.
I would ask you to judge me. But can I take it? What if you prefer young Cathy? I prefer the present version.