I am made of…

…music.

Tonight I am.

Ups and downs. All the time. I had one very good week. I am not used to it and mentioned it many times. Then came the fall. It always does. Strangely, when it happens, and I try to reach out, no one is there – everyone is busy. Maybe that’s just a subjective feeling; I don’t know.

What I do know is that music is the most soothing thing for me when my mind is acting up.

I went on a date tonight. A movie date to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I grew up with music from Queen, and I know many songs. I read books about Freddie Mercury. Most notably the one by Jim Hutton. I like the band. I do. But I am not a superfan.

Hearing all those amazing songs in a movie theatre tonight was like balm for my soul. Music should always be playing this loud.

Of course, Who Wants to Live Forever made me cry, it always does.

But, the strangest thing happened too. There was something like magic in the air. The film ended, and the credits were rolling. The lights were on, and the exit doors were wide open, but the audience didn’t move. It was as if most people were just enjoying a couple more minutes of great music played loudly. And most people had that smile on their face, the blissful smile that only music or a live show can bring. It was quite extraordinary. And I loved it.

So… Shit mind and mood aside, music made me smile again tonight. It made me light. I know that tomorrow will be different again. I cried a lot these last two days, for no reason. Or seemingly so. I wish I were normal. I wish I didn’t burden people with this; with me. But I do. Because I am made of music. But I am also made of emotions. I am made of all the small pieces that make me whole. (Everyone is, I am not special)

Thank you.

Names…

I have three kids.

My son’s name was found because there were only 3 left on the list:

Olivier

Nicolas

Christopher.

My daughter’s name came to me in a dream. And I woke up and I knew it. There was not one doubt and no arguing.

Giulia

Julie

Julia.

My second daughter’s name was difficult to find. We had a handful of names left. And finally I wrote them on slips of paper and we drew her name out of a hat.

Amalia

Amelia

Emily.

Are names important? My kids wouldn’t be different with different names.

A rose by any other name would still smell like a rose. (Sorry, I don’t know Shakespeare in English, I can’t quote it properly)

My name is Catherine Annette. I don’t know what people think when they read or hear that name. I go by Cathy, haven’t ever known it any other way.

When we read or hear a name, we have an image in our heads. Parents know how that exact thing makes it hard to name the kids.

I am serene and at a good place right now. Yet I often wonder how others perceive me. 💜

Refueling

Some days, everything feels like lead. No energy. Everyone has different ways to cope with those days. For me, I had the chance to listen to a pile of records. Vinyl. The real deal. It is a conscious way to listen to music. At least it is for me. I just sat in my chair (still sitting there – it’s the chair I inherited from my grandma) and I am looking at the records spinning. I am not sure if I have the right words to describe it, but listening to records on vinyl slows everything down. It’s something I really enjoy.

Does it get any better than this? Outside a storm is raging. The autumn leaves are blown over my patio, the rain is pouring down; while I am sitting inside with a steaming mug of green tea, listening to music. A content smile is on my face. Bliss.

This is my stack so far for today. I think there will be a couple more additions. A day just for me.

It started with Our Ceasing Voice – Free Like the Night

Her Name is Calla – The Dead Rift EP

Anathema – the Optimist

U2 – the Joshua Tree

Worriedaboutsatan – Shift

Chris Rea – the best of

Very eclectic, just like me. Or maybe simply without direction? Just like me?

Are you enjoying your Saturday too?

Music…

Let’s start this music post with something progressive.

The band is called Gazpacho, and the song is called “Chequered Light Buildings.”

The song is from an album called “Night” (2007, Kscope)

🎧🎵🎶

The second song I recommend is called “A Long Time Listening” from another Nordic band, (Gazpacho are from Norway) Agent Fresco. (Agent Fresco are from Iceland)

The song is from an album with the same name – “A Long Time Listening” (2010, Record Records)

Thoughts?

music

I love this song. I know… Radiohead is a bit of a cliché. Just like with Pink Floyd it took me a while to get them and truth be told, I am still not that big a fan, but I own 4 or 5 of their albums. (Of course, I do…)

This is my favourite cover of this song:

Ever heard about Nate Maingard? Great man, I like him a lot. Though, I believe that his honesty and openness, his raw approach to everything he does may not be every one’s cup of tea. He is on patreon and you can find home on http://nate.live

Be curious… You know you want it,

Big hugs,

Cathy

The most valuable comment I ever wrote…

https://nate.live/the-only-thing-missing-in-my-life/

It is scary to fall apart publicly. It is even scarier to fall apart all alone. But you are not alone. And the darkness and apathy is understood and lived by many. Me included. There are these high highs and the low lows. And all I want is this: if you look at me, please see me. If you see me for the damaged person that I am, please love me. I felt from you words that you feel the same. The outside world can be perfect, but if the inside feels like a storm, the most perfect life becomes dull and blunt. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. Sometimes, all we can do is cry and let the tears wet our cheeks for seemingly no reason. And maybe, maybe it looks as if you aren’t doing anything, as if you aren’t moving. But you are doing a whole lot. You are not giving up. You are light, Nathan. You don’t see it because you are in the dark, but believe me, you are light.
On top of that, you are not missing from your life. This may not be how media or friends or whoever suggests life to be, but sometimes it is like that. Sometimes we fall apart. You are there. I can see you! And I like this vulnerable side of you. There is nothing wrong with it. Fall, Nate… we are there to catch you.

Thank you for your honesty.

I remember reading Nate’s post and falling apart too. November 2017 should have been amazing. It should have been the most precious and extraordinary month of my life. But for reasons that were not in my control, it wasn.’t. And I fell. For months I had been struggling and I had been trying to keep moving. But then came the time and I fell. And no one seemed to see it. Or maybe they did and it didn’t matter? I didn’t matter.

I was giving up. I was ready to give up my life. My poetry book “Quiet Minds” was supposed to be my final mistake and my final goodbye. But when I published that book, I felt something. I felt proud of myself. I loved that side of me – the creative/writing side. And through all the muddled thoughts, I began to see myself. Many days I am still my own worst enemy, but there are also the days when I am my biggest fan.

I am a fan of the comment I wrote and shared above. I am sure that I wasn’t sober when I wrote it, but I can assure you, my words are my truth.

music

I started listening to music when I was a child. While other children were playing, I was listening to music… I was not allowed to go outside to play. I often considered music to be my life saving device. It certainly kept my mind off things. And it taught me the English language. I am an emotional person and I react to music. Some songs touch me deeply whereas others don’t get to me at all.

The first song is one of those songs who never really inspired me in any way. Not good, not bad. I often have the line “And it feels like I’m flying above you” in my head.

Anathema – Flying

This song is from a live concert, probably one of the best I have ever seen and I only saw the DVD. I have a very special bond with this band. Its music found me at a time when I was a lost teenager. I felt a little more found with Anathema’s music. A feeling I had until I was well in my thirties…

 

Her Name is Calla – Meridian Arc

This song is my ringtone. A couple of weeks ago I had a notification on Facebook that I earned a badge as a Top Fan. I have no idea why. Apart from the fact that I try to support this band as much as I can. Great people. Best huggers in the world.

 

I hope you enjoy both these songs, as always, I would like to hear your thoughts about them.

Thank you and have a great week,

Cathy

Music…

I feel like sharing some more music… While last time, both songs I shared were more electronic, this week I listened to something different.

Fink – perfect darkness

Fink. The first song I heard was Too Closely. I got curious and listened to more and more of his music. In the meantime, I have seen him live, and his album “Perfect Darkness” (2011) still plays regularly on my stereo.

Antimatter – in stone

This is music I often listen to when I am writing. The reasons are clear and not. The mix of awesome lyrics and emotion-evoking music is what gets my muses going.

enjoy the music… make sure to listen the second one to the end.

Have a nice Saturday,
Cathy

(PS: why am I told that the bathroom needs a scrubbing, when I worked all week, and he was home? I am irritated and stubborn now, but eventually, I will do it, and he knows it.)

Music…

This blog used to be about music… It really was, but I am not a critic, and my tastes are a bit weird at times. Most music is gone, but I am thinking about bringing it back. I used to have a Friday 5, where I would post five songs I liked every Friday. Maybe I should post on Mondays? One song? Starting today on this Sunday? (I am a woman, I am supposed to be indecisive and inconsequent in my decisions 🙂 Or maybe I am just a little more upbeat than I usually am.) I will not review the music I share, as I feel I am not qualified enough for that, but the songs you’ll find here have touched me in one way or another, or they evoke memories in me.

The songs or links I share don’t belong to me. Support artists you like – buy their art. Pay for music… Lots of time and dedication, as well as money, are put into the songs you like.

Here are some songs for you:

Cardhouse – extra mile

Cardhouse is the project of Daniel Cardoso. Daniel Cardoso is an excellent drummer and producer (he worked with Daniel Cavanagh, Antimatter, Anneke van Giersbergen…), and he is part of the band Anathema. The song “Extra Mile” is taken from his solo debut “City Blur.”

Felix Räuber – wall

This is something very special. I have never heard a song like this before, then again, that doesn’t mean anything. The voice of the singer is unique, I admit it might not be for everyone, but the arrangement of the song is brilliant. The song “wall” is taken from the EP “the Wall” by Felix Räuber. I had the pleasure of briefly talking to this artist years ago when he toured with Maximilian Hecker. Very nice and talented man.

Music has a lot of meaning for me. It takes up a lot of time and place in my life, though, I admit, not as much as it used to. I have been listening to the same music and their satellites for many years now. It has been a while since I heard something that totally blew my mind. But I am very hard to please too. Rest assured, this blog will not turn into a music blog again. I will probably never share the newest songs, and my tastes are various and random, but it is another part of me. Another layer peeled away.

I hope you enjoy the songs. They are both quite electronic for someone who is usually more into prog or singer/songwriter…

Cathy