It’s going to be okay

Life’s a bitch, but it’s going to be okay.

My daughter had a nightmare about me dying. I tried to comfort her as best as I could, but there was a thought I couldn’t shake. I will die. Some day I will. And I cannot change it. And when she was finally asleep again, i felt guilty. So many times i thought about dying. I thought about ending my life. No – I will not kill myself, no need to worry. But I have these thoughts and I am aware that those are thoughts normal people don’t have. I cannot save my children from all the hurt that the world will inflict on them. It’s impossible. But I can try and not add to it. It pains me when my seven year old is bullied. It hurts that she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to make me sad. It pains me when she tells me that she will come to me with everything that bothers her but that I can also come to her with the things that bother me.
Parenting is the best thing I do. It’s one of the few things I am sure of. But there is so much wrong with me that I worry that I will never be the parent they need or deserve. The world is crazy. And I am too.
And I am scared to share. I used to share a lot. But back then, people from my day to day life didn’t read anything I shared. And now I allowed some people in. And I feel ashamed and frightened to share who I really am. I hate this. And I want to scream “help”, but I can’t, and to be fair, I wouldn’t listen to anyone anyway. I need a hug from someone who isn’t a child. Who knew that being married also meant being lonely and longing for human connection.

About writing… In the farthest sense.

I write a lot. It’s not always poetry or novels or flash fiction, but I write down thoughts, little notes or words. And I write daily. I use fountain pens and journals. My handwriting is horrible. I really need to focus to write nicely. It’s a challenge in my job too, lol. Yes, I have been told to try and clean my handwriting. I try, but honestly (and this sounds not nice at all) I can’t be bothered. And I don’t have the time either.

Once in a while I share a pic of an entry in my journal. I like doing that. It gives the entries something real, something deep. I have been told so, many times.

I go through many journals and wrote the last page in one just yesterday. I started that one in February. This morning I bought a new one. It is a weird feeling to write a last page in a journal, and it is a weird feeling to write the first page in a new journal. In my mind, I don’t want to soil the blank pages with nonsense. Usually, my notebooks are blunt and no-descript. Black. I like them to be closable too, preferably with an elastic band. Today, I found another one that reminded me of my youth and is over all quite me. It has James Dean on the cover. I like James Dean a lot. I read a couple of his biographies, saw all his movies, and we share a birthday. And it was not too expensive either. It is thin though… I am sure I need to get another one by Christmas.

People laugh (or smirk) when I unpack my journal and my fountain pens. I own many fountain pens in different styles and colours. I like how they all write differently and I like how the ink flows on to the paper. Writing is fun. Or so I think.

Old and new journal.

So yes… If you are looking for a gift for me… Fountain pens and journals are a good idea.

Do you write by hand? What do you use? Are your posts written down first in a journal? Mine are not, sometimes I write a spontaneous poem here (or on Wattpad) and copy it later into my journal 🙂