I keep waiting

Silver slivers of an other world
Golden echoes of a past long gone
It is as if the warming summer rain never ceased to coat our skins
It is as if the most important part of you lives inside my pulsing veins
Gray clouds repeating your whispered word
White lies, hidden in a new song
It is as if your home is in my mind
But my mind is lost and home is hard to find
Iridescent pictures of the end of an affair
I vividly remember the way you used to ask “Are you there?”
Silver slivers, fragments of our story
Golden echoes, mirror of a promise I intend to keep

With me

Drive with me
Dive with me
Die with me?

Breathe with me
Be a thief with me
Open your eyes and see
With me.

We can be for never
I promise to keep waiting

The night is still
And so are we.
Listening to scared minds
Waiting on our windowsill.

Grieve with me
Leave with me
Be with me.

Lie with me
Shine with me
Find home in my arms
With me.

We can be for never
I promise to keep waiting


Inside the tight confines of our magic bubble,
Nothing can reach us.
Nothing can breach us.

Snow covers our traces
Rain hides our tears.

Into the sacred walls of my raging heart,
No on can enter.
Locked; back, front and centre.

Snow covers our traces
Rain hides our tears
Thunder drowns out our sobs
But the moon guides us home.

My fragile soul lies shattered and shy.
Hiding from your mighty eyes.
Cutting our last ties.

The weather is in my favour.
Dreadful, it makes me hide in the corners of myself
Until I forget who I am without you.

Relentless, you find your way through tiny cracks in me,
Saying you like me as I am
Refusing to leave me be.

Throwback Poem – this one was written in January 2016

my heart is open

My heart is open
My arms are open
I will be here to share your pain
I will be here to stand in the rain
My heart is just a fraction broken
My secrets still unspoken
I will be here to see your soul
I will be here to make you whole
My heart is open
My heart is hopin’
I will be here to see the burning desire
I will be here to be your fire
My heart is just a fraction broken
My soul has awoken
I will be here to stop you from leaving
I will be here to make you start breathing
My heart is still open
My love will never stop lovin’.

When two become one

“I had these ideas about you. None of them are true…”
“Well… You’re a smoker.”
“Been one for 30 years. What else?”
“You’re smaller than I expected”

*He groans, rolls his eyes and puts his cigarette out with the heel of his sneaker. She’s embarrassed and nervous, trying to find words to say that aren’t offending or insulting in this awkward situation.

“Go on…”
“You are much more handsome than on your pictures.”

*He smiles. She’s back on track.

“What else?”
“I said “no” when you asked about being intimate on our first date. I meant “yes”.”

*The admission leaves her timid and waiting for rejection. She puts a lock of hair behind her ear. It jumps right back to where it was. He stands straighter, anticipating what will be happening next.

“I can’t see how this has anything to do with the way you imagined me to be”

“I judged you. I don’t know you.”

*It’s almost an apology. Almost.

“We spoke on the phone for two years.”
“I know.”
“You know exactly who I am. Maybe not my mannerisms or my daily habits. You know the deeper me. You know me better than anyone else.”

*It’s flattering to hear these words, but she is sceptical. Does he really tell the truth or is this his way of getting what he wants? It doesn’t matter. Who cares? She gives in. No reason to fight the feelings she doesn’t want to fight.

“You had me with that smile, moments before you said hello.”
“Two years ago I told you that I would never fall in love with you and that I only want sex from you. I lied.”

*She blushes and smiles at his feet. She still doesn’t know what he sees in her; she is short and overweight; and he could have every girl he wants.

“Come here… We don’t have a lot of time. Let’s make the best of it.”

*She nods. Their eyes are locked and their breaths mingle, moments before their lips touch. Her heart races and her knees feel weak. Electricity. He tastes of cold smoke and she can feel his smile on her lips. His hands find an immediate way under her shirt. The heat of his skin on her back leaves imprints on her soul that she can never wash off. She needs more of him. All of him. As much as he is willing to give. If he lets her in, she will submit to him, surrender to his needs. She will become his everything. With an urgency, they find the bed behind them. Clothes are quickly disposed of. There is no time to waste. Not even to appreciate the nakedness of the other. He used to ask her to tell him that she loves him. For the first time, these words leave her lips without being a lie, just as he enters her and fills her in a way she hasn’t felt in years. Completion. This encounter is more than she ever expected it to be. It is less too. Two lonely humans giving in to their primal urges after building up to this moment for more than two years. Everything they ever said, everything they ever wrote; every picture they ever shared – everything led to this moment. The moment when two become one. And although everything that is happening right there is ordinary, nothing about it is, in fact, ordinary. Moans, sweat, the scent of sex, the creaking of the bed. Two people who stopped thinking. Only existing. Become one.

Perfect girl

He lay on his back and stared at the sky. A glittering veil was covering the black. The moon was shining brightly; not whole yet. He felt the same, not whole. He had met his twin flame. He had loved her; made love to her. And then, then he had pushed her away. Dealing with those emotions was too complicated. And he was not a complicated man. He just knew that being with her felt like destroying himself. Being without her felt like missing a part of his soul. Her presence scared him. Almost as much as the knowledge that the sky is infinite and time is finite. He couldn’t admit that he was running away from her. It was easier to manipulate her into thinking that she was pushing him away. The truth was, he was missing her. He was missing the way she made his soul lighter and his thoughts less heavy. He missed how she inspired his work, and the sex. Yes, he missed how it felt to fill her out. He had had many girls and women in his life. They had never felt like her on his skin. Her kisses were like magic, her orgasms were bliss, his own release couldn’t be compared to anything he had ever experienced in bed. An intimacy that spread onto many levels connected them. From the moment they had first spoken, something had clicked. Profoundly. And now he was running away. He had an ugly soul, an empty heart, heavy thoughts. Others had described him that way. And he couldn’t deny it. But she didn’t care. She seemed to like all the facets of him. The good and the bad. And he was not prepared for that. He was not prepared to open himself to her, to let her see who he was. Who he is. Bare. Nowhere to hide his imperfections. He had always wanted to be seen, and to be able to be himself without getting strange looks. Now that he had met someone comfortable and sure enough of themselves to accept him for who he was, and he couldn’t handle it.

He slapped the grass next to him in frustration. Since when was he such a coward? Since when was he lamenting to have no one to love him, knowing full well that she was there. Was he so used to being hurt and rejected that being wanted and accepted scared him? That woman. She was addictive. Always on his mind. There was that fear of going back to her and letting her see his vulnerable side. There was that irrational panic that she could use it against him.

Until now, she never had. She had proven that she was trustworthy. He hated how much she completed him. He loved it too.

A raindrop landed on his forehead breaking his thoughts. From the porch his wife called him to get out of the rain, and go inside. He grunted a response and got off the lawn just in time, before the light dribble became a rainstorm. Minutes ago he had stared at the clear night sky. He had been sunken so deep in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the clouds hiding the stars. Standing on the porch, he kept looking into the dark. She was his dark. Behind him, his wife was standing with a dishtowel. She was beautiful. He loved her. But she didn’t understand. She was not the one to fill that empty space in his heart. She was not the one who knew every secret, nothing withheld. But she was enough. She had to be. He took a quick look at his phone. He had no messages but he liked to see and know that she was online. Her profile picture was beautiful. For the moment, it was all he got from her. It was all he deserved. But he wanted more. He wanted all of her. Even if it meant leaving the safety of his family. After all, She was the one. His twin flame.

This love has died

I felt your kisses and wanted more

But there was blood on your hands

You killed my heart and buried my soul.

No one will have me after we are through

And while I was damaged when we met

I am broken now that you left.

I look at the approaching pavement;

You killed me with your love.

I should not have given in to sin

But I was weak

For you, I would have been everything

And now

I am gone.

This love has died

But there will be redemption and I will be born again.

Shiny and new,

And not there for you.

What I am for you

The flame that heats your frozen heart

The thought that brings you through the night

The stars that guide your way in the dark

The song that keeps your soul alight

The shoulder you lean on

The ear you whisper into

The love of your life

The one who fits profoundly

… That’s who I am to you.

(Or the one I want to be for you)

Together we’re golden

And when I said that I would not be leaving
I had one foot out of the door.
There was no way to start the healing
with you lying on my floor.

Your sweet scent and your honey words
Are sticky on my skin.
You want the best of both worlds
But never asked if I was in.

And as the years passed
And my love slowly faded away
Our kisses became chaste
While you whispered in your sleep ‘please stay’.

I can’t be who I am not
Even though I might not know who stares at me through the mirror
I miss who I was
If I could just remember it clearer.

I’ll have to let you go
Before I’m ready to return
Before I can admit to know
Before my soul stops to burn.

I see you lying where I left you
And bend down for a kiss
In this moment I understand our truth
It doesn’t have to be perfect to be bliss.

Without you, too many parts of me are empty
Too many thoughts are left unthought
An angel that heavens sent me
To create our very own smut.

Yes, it is boring when you are not here
And my arms are cold
When you are not near.
I promise, I am fully yours again to have and to hold.

Forever is for never
And we both know it well
And maybe it is most clever
If we keep this between us; promise to never tell.

My naked soul molds perfectly against yours
We waited for hours and a day
Now we are too close
To what we want to run away.

Lies and lines
Written and told
As long as the sun shines (on us)
Our love will be gold.

The truth seeps in

I stand in a corner afraid to fall apart My dress comes undone at its seams And the truth seeps in. Your hands cover my heart They must be feeling the distress. Don’t leave. I look at you the moment I wake I feel as if I am standing in a corner My legs don’t know any way out And the truth seeps in. Your eyes bore into my soul They must feel what I am not saying. Please leave. And the leaves fall from the trees And the rain pours out of the clouds And we don’t know in which direction to go. And the truth seeps in.

when the love has gone

There is an ocean between us
Filled with our tears
Sadness and regrets
All washed up on the shore.

The distance is growing into a road
Paved with silence
Thoughts and lost passion
Driving us farther away from home.

The bags on our shoulders are heavy
Packed with longing
Memories and grief
Bringing us down on our knees.

The waves are swallowing what is left of us
Drinking it in
Forgetting and forgiving
Until our path brings us together again.

The wind blows away our differences
Far far away
Higher and higher
Before they will vanish into nothing.

The ocean turns into a puddle
Obstacles easy to overcome
Past and future
And a friendship will bloom.

Letter to a stranger

Dear stranger,

You have not always been a stranger in my life. You used to be a part of it. Of me. You could still be a part of it (of me) if you wanted to be. My arms are still open. As it is, you became a stranger. When we pass each other on an open road, we lower our heads and wish we could turn back time, but there are no visible signs that we were once lovers. Sinners. Nobody knows our secret. 

You’ve been gone for six months now. Things happened, life moved on and I let go of you and of the feelings I felt for you. But once in a while, like this weekend, the feelings come back. And I wonder. Do you ever wonder? What could have been? What would have been? Do you sometimes wish to not lower your head when our paths cross but to acknowledge what we had and who we were? I guess you don’t. I guess these are silly thoughts of a woman who cannot let go. I should though. And I know it. But as much as I hated what we were, I loved it too. And I would do it all again. In a heartbeat and without regrets. A year is a long time. I changed during the year we spent together. I became a woman who was able to see her qualities. I accepted myself for who I was. Because you told me how beautiful I am and you told me how beautiful my mind is. With you gone, that affirmation is gone too. And I am invisible to my own eyes again. I know, it shouldn’t be this way, but it is. It is my truth. If only I could reach you again. If only I could touch you again. But it will not happen. And I will keep wondering if your thoughts drift to me before you fall asleep, and if you compose messages for me that you never send. 

There are no words that are meaningful enough to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you meant to me. And while I write these words, I keep thinking that I am not in love. I am not in love. I am just in need. I am in need of the person who seemed to be a soul mate to me. I miss the understanding and the way that nothing was complicated between us, unless we let the world complicate it. I miss your gentle voice in my ear and the way you said my name. The voice is fading. I should have kept a record of it. But I didn’t. I don’t have anything physical that reminds me of our time. No evidence at all. Just the memories in my head. And I am afraid that they will change from what really was into what I wished it would have been. 

The door is still wide open. The hole you left gaping wide is waiting for your presence to fill it again. And I am afraid that the hole will get bigger and bigger until I vanish inside of it. And I will be gone. It was easy to cope with your loss, at first. I was strong and too many things were changing in my life, I didn’t have the time to let my emotions rule me. But now that I fell and walked back into the dark, I am reminded of how much you are missed. I shouldn’t miss you. I shouldn’t write to you when I am not well. I should show you how well I am and how much success I have now. Fuck it. You saw me at my best and at my worst and you handled it well. Or I like to pretend that you did. I mean, there are reasons why you left when you did. I am sure that I drove you away. I sucked the light out of you and was too demanding. The novelty of me had worn off too. And, you couldn’t deal with the fact that I understood. I saw you for who you were and my arms and my heart were still open for you. I wasn’t scared or appalled. No, I was there. And I will always be there for you. Whenever you choose to come back, I will be there.

Ah dear stranger. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be strangers anymore? Wouldn’t it be nice to be lovers again? Two lovers in the morning sun. Overwhelmed with lust. And connecting on every possible level. The romantic in me tries to resurface. The realist wants me to say goodbye with this letter. 

One last goodbye. But the memories… They are too meaningful to forget. Too important to hide in a closet. They are everything.

We will meet again, Sweetie. Ja? Say my name and I will be yours again.

Goodbye stranger.

Your almost-lover

you in me

Every raindrop on my skin
Reminds me of you
Of the sweat and its drops on me

Every teardrop kept inside
Reminds me of you
Of the best memories we shared

Every raindrop soaks my soul
The way you seeped into me
When we shared the sheets

Every teardrop shed in lost hope
Becomes an ocean
Drowning me whenever I forget to swim

Drops of us. Rain forever in my soul. Tears of happiness. Drops of you. All of you. Inside all of me.

where did our hearts go?

I know you are there
but I don’t know where
I’m trying to find you in the dark
To feel your presence in my heart.

Staring out into the cold
Reaching for your hand to have and to hold
Our love has gone away
There was no valuable reason to make it stay.

And while the world keeps turning
my soul keeps yearning
for you – who completed my lost mind
and to whom my heart was assigned.


one more time

​Empty vessel in my skin
You close the door
And I am not here
Trapped within.

There is no way out of this cage
Nothing left to chose
Yet everything left to lose
Blank page.

Call for my mind
But don’t hurt me again
I can’t bear the pain
Please, don’t leave me behind.

With you gone
I turn to the riverman
To give a helping hand
To take me away at dawn.

And the river understands the silent words
It remembers where you are
And that we will always remain close, never far
We became sherds.

Cut bleeding on this broken love
Our dreams became nightmares
Lovesongs pushed down the steepest stairs
Why couldn’t we rise above?

What happened to all those rhymes you whispered at night?
Your voice belongs to another one
Your light became another one’s sun
And I keep searching for you, far and wide.

Our year wasn’t wasted
But I can’t find the words to say
Please stay
Your lips were the sweetest I have ever tasted.

I cower in the corner of my mind
Wishing myself into your arms
Where there is no one inflicting never healing harms
Please come back – I am there; easy to find.

lover of mine

​Lover of mine

I see the glittering sun setting at the end of the ocean

Your face cast in ethereal glows.

Oh how I am reminded the way my heart is on the line.

Golden shadows hush over heaven and earth

And as the world falls asleep,

Our flames are ignited, we can feel it in our spines.

Darkness consumes us, but not from within

A blazing fire keeps our souls entwined,

In a million there is no lover’s story of this kind.

Days fall asleep and nights are awoken

Moons are full and some are broken,

But all is fine, as long as you’re with me,

Lover of mine.

me before you

​Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will I be able to breathe when you aren’t my air?
And will I cease to exist when you aren’t there?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will my heart find a rhythm of its own?
And will I cry myself to sleep – alone?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will my mind find peace and serenity?
And will I remember you longer than eternity?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will my smile be brave and strong?
And will I hear our story in every song?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will I go back to the way I was before?
And will there be an other opened door?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will my brain pretend that everything’s a lie?
And will my thoughts ever truly say goodbye?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will there still be happiness for me?
And will it come with a price or is it for free?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?
Will I ever forget you?
And will I ever forget how to love you, too?

Who was I before you and who will I be when you’re gone?

Don’t Remind Me

​Were you the stitches that held my broken heart together?

Were you in the words I erased from my page?

Remind me of the reasons why I needed you?

Truth is, I need you to fill the silence within.

Truth is, I need you to fill the pages in my book.

Remind me of the reasons why I love you?

It is all in the songs we didn’t hear.

It is all in the breathing air we didn’t share.

No reminder needed…

one last thing before you leave my world (repost)

One last kiss
before you leave my world
for me to savor
for the rest of my life

one last hug
before you leave my world
for me to feel
for the rest of my life

on last laugh
before you leave my world
for me to listen to
for the rest of my life

one last tear
before you leave my world
for me to taste
for the rest of my life

one last memory
before you leave my world
for me to cherish
for the rest of my life

one last moment with you
before you leave my world
for me to remember
for the rest of my life

no more shelter

I want to take shelter in your arms

in their safety and your calm.

I want to hide from reality

and still see with clarity.

Don’t let us end like this

we had more than a myth.

I can feel you in my dreams

and I don’t know what it means.

Spare one thought for your favourite sinner

while your memories of me are growing thinner.

I never want you to forget me

and I don’t want you to set me free.

I needed you to be my forever

and now, you will be my never ever…


There are forgotten embers of our love inside my heart. And I am afraid that one tiny spark of you will ignite the flames and burn me.
The problem with fire and flames is, that their licks hurt and their touch leave scars that can’t be healed.