I don’t know how to unlove you.
Underneath the surface of my soul hides a raging silence. One that becomes louder with every scream. One that haunts me in my sleep.
Underneath the surface of my soul lie many hidden emotions. Those that are never far from being voiced. Those that bubble up until they become an explosion.
Underneath the surface of my soul lives a ghost. One that will never see light, yet never succumbs to darkness either.
Underneath the surface of my soul are rotting lost hopes. Those that make me have regrets. Those that pull me down and make me drown.
Underneath the surface of my soul a whisper is repeated. One that says ‘I’m still in love with you’. One that says ‘I’m still loving you’.
Underneath the surface of my soul are blooming fragile bonds. Those that will last forever, even when they are broken. Those that constrict my heart with their beautiful intensity.
Underneath the surface of my soul is a place for you. One that will always stay yours. One that will never fade – even when it is invisible.
I love you.
All around me
Let’s pull the sheets up over our heads…
Let me lick the sweat off your skin…
Let your hands memorize my nooks and folds and crannies…
Let’s make love hard and fast and slow and sensual…
Let us forget that there is a world outside…
… how about that?
No rush to see you leave. No desire to chain your needs to mine. I don’t intend to be your heart’s thief. But I’ll allow it, it will be fine. Too damaged to accept admiration. Too much grief to feel elation. Shy and confuse and happy at once; using two-thousand and sixty-five different fonts. A light had blinded me, and so I slid back into the dark. I wanted to see and allowed the first spark. I am not in love, just intrigued. I am waiting for the realisation that all of this was dreamed. It is not, I know for sure. And a tiny piece of my heart will from now on be yours.
I woke up in you
Although I was never really asleep.
I found a happy place
Thanks to us – thanks to you.
I fumble with my words and stumble over my soul
Honey, without you, I am not whole.
But how am I supposed to tell you that
I don’t regret the day we met.
So many unexpected moments that we shared
So many things we never dared.
But honey, without you I am not whole.
My being becomes a black hole
As I forget who I was
And do what this woman does.
Just a missing piece is who you are
And I have been wishing upon a star;
But honey, don’t forget, without you I am not whole.
Some days I wake up and can’t breathe
Some days I wake up and I can’t remember
Some days I wake up and I am full of you
Some days I wake up and there is nothing left
Some days I wake up and all is forgotten
Some days I wake up and I am free.
Listening to your even breath
peaceful as it is
not revealing the tormented soul
if I could
but tell me, how can I mend
your broken heart?
Your whispers sound like cries
searching for and exit
speaking of unseen hurt and a lost
if I could
but tell me, how can I mend
your broken heart?
If I could
I would take your pain away
if I could I would make you mine to stay
through your tears
I recognize you
for years I waited for you
to hold you close
and if I could
and now I know how to mend
your broken heart!
In 2013 I wrote a story called “A Long Journey to Love”. It was my first original novel and it is nowhere to be found anymore. For now. This poem was written exclusively for that story – from one character to the other. It’s one of the earliest posts on this blog too. Please enjoy.
Silver slivers of an other world
Golden echoes of a past long gone
It is as if the warming summer rain never ceased to coat our skins
It is as if the most important part of you lives inside my pulsing veins
Gray clouds repeating your whispered word
White lies, hidden in a new song
It is as if your home is in my mind
But my mind is lost and home is hard to find
Iridescent pictures of the end of an affair
I vividly remember the way you used to ask “Are you there?”
Silver slivers, fragments of our story
Golden echoes, mirror of a promise I intend to keep
Wrap your self around my soul
Consume me until
I will disintegrate in your smoldering embrace.
I feel your essence seeping in to my very core
Until I wrap my soul around your fragile mind.
Drive with me
Dive with me
Die with me?
Breathe with me
Be a thief with me
Open your eyes and see
We can be for never
I promise to keep waiting
The night is still
And so are we.
Listening to scared minds
Waiting on our windowsill.
Grieve with me
Leave with me
Be with me.
Lie with me
Shine with me
Find home in my arms
We can be for never
I promise to keep waiting
Inside the tight confines of our magic bubble,
Nothing can reach us.
Nothing can breach us.
Snow covers our traces
Rain hides our tears.
Into the sacred walls of my raging heart,
No on can enter.
Locked; back, front and centre.
Snow covers our traces
Rain hides our tears
Thunder drowns out our sobs
But the moon guides us home.
My fragile soul lies shattered and shy.
Hiding from your mighty eyes.
Cutting our last ties.
The weather is in my favour.
Dreadful, it makes me hide in the corners of myself
Until I forget who I am without you.
Relentless, you find your way through tiny cracks in me,
Saying you like me as I am
Refusing to leave me be.
Throwback Poem – this one was written in January 2016
My heart is open
My arms are open
I will be here to share your pain
I will be here to stand in the rain
My heart is just a fraction broken
My secrets still unspoken
I will be here to see your soul
I will be here to make you whole
My heart is open
My heart is hopin’
I will be here to see the burning desire
I will be here to be your fire
My heart is just a fraction broken
My soul has awoken
I will be here to stop you from leaving
I will be here to make you start breathing
My heart is still open
My love will never stop lovin’.
For one night, I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine.
For never. Forever.
For life; I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine.
“I had these ideas about you. None of them are true…”
“Well… You’re a smoker.”
“Been one for 30 years. What else?”
“You’re smaller than I expected”
*He groans, rolls his eyes and puts his cigarette out with the heel of his sneaker. She’s embarrassed and nervous, trying to find words to say that aren’t offending or insulting in this awkward situation.
“You are much more handsome than on your pictures.”
*He smiles. She’s back on track.
“I said “no” when you asked about being intimate on our first date. I meant “yes”.”
*The admission leaves her timid and waiting for rejection. She puts a lock of hair behind her ear. It jumps right back to where it was. He stands straighter, anticipating what will be happening next.
“I can’t see how this has anything to do with the way you imagined me to be”
“I judged you. I don’t know you.”
*It’s almost an apology. Almost.
“We spoke on the phone for two years.”
“You know exactly who I am. Maybe not my mannerisms or my daily habits. You know the deeper me. You know me better than anyone else.”
*It’s flattering to hear these words, but she is sceptical. Does he really tell the truth or is this his way of getting what he wants? It doesn’t matter. Who cares? She gives in. No reason to fight the feelings she doesn’t want to fight.
“You had me with that smile, moments before you said hello.”
“Two years ago I told you that I would never fall in love with you and that I only want sex from you. I lied.”
*She blushes and smiles at his feet. She still doesn’t know what he sees in her; she is short and overweight; and he could have every girl he wants.
“Come here… We don’t have a lot of time. Let’s make the best of it.”
*She nods. Their eyes are locked and their breaths mingle, moments before their lips touch. Her heart races and her knees feel weak. Electricity. He tastes of cold smoke and she can feel his smile on her lips. His hands find an immediate way under her shirt. The heat of his skin on her back leaves imprints on her soul that she can never wash off. She needs more of him. All of him. As much as he is willing to give. If he lets her in, she will submit to him, surrender to his needs. She will become his everything. With an urgency, they find the bed behind them. Clothes are quickly disposed of. There is no time to waste. Not even to appreciate the nakedness of the other. He used to ask her to tell him that she loves him. For the first time, these words leave her lips without being a lie, just as he enters her and fills her in a way she hasn’t felt in years. Completion. This encounter is more than she ever expected it to be. It is less too. Two lonely humans giving in to their primal urges after building up to this moment for more than two years. Everything they ever said, everything they ever wrote; every picture they ever shared – everything led to this moment. The moment when two become one. And although everything that is happening right there is ordinary, nothing about it is, in fact, ordinary. Moans, sweat, the scent of sex, the creaking of the bed. Two people who stopped thinking. Only existing. Become one.
He lay on his back and stared at the sky. A glittering veil was covering the black. The moon was shining brightly; not whole yet. He felt the same, not whole. He had met his twin flame. He had loved her; made love to her. And then, then he had pushed her away. Dealing with those emotions was too complicated. And he was not a complicated man. He just knew that being with her felt like destroying himself. Being without her felt like missing a part of his soul. Her presence scared him. Almost as much as the knowledge that the sky is infinite and time is finite. He couldn’t admit that he was running away from her. It was easier to manipulate her into thinking that she was pushing him away. The truth was, he was missing her. He was missing the way she made his soul lighter and his thoughts less heavy. He missed how she inspired his work, and the sex. Yes, he missed how it felt to fill her out. He had had many girls and women in his life. They had never felt like her on his skin. Her kisses were like magic, her orgasms were bliss, his own release couldn’t be compared to anything he had ever experienced in bed. An intimacy that spread onto many levels connected them. From the moment they had first spoken, something had clicked. Profoundly. And now he was running away. He had an ugly soul, an empty heart, heavy thoughts. Others had described him that way. And he couldn’t deny it. But she didn’t care. She seemed to like all the facets of him. The good and the bad. And he was not prepared for that. He was not prepared to open himself to her, to let her see who he was. Who he is. Bare. Nowhere to hide his imperfections. He had always wanted to be seen, and to be able to be himself without getting strange looks. Now that he had met someone comfortable and sure enough of themselves to accept him for who he was, and he couldn’t handle it.
He slapped the grass next to him in frustration. Since when was he such a coward? Since when was he lamenting to have no one to love him, knowing full well that she was there. Was he so used to being hurt and rejected that being wanted and accepted scared him? That woman. She was addictive. Always on his mind. There was that fear of going back to her and letting her see his vulnerable side. There was that irrational panic that she could use it against him.
Until now, she never had. She had proven that she was trustworthy. He hated how much she completed him. He loved it too.
A raindrop landed on his forehead breaking his thoughts. From the porch his wife called him to get out of the rain, and go inside. He grunted a response and got off the lawn just in time, before the light dribble became a rainstorm. Minutes ago he had stared at the clear night sky. He had been sunken so deep in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the clouds hiding the stars. Standing on the porch, he kept looking into the dark. She was his dark. Behind him, his wife was standing with a dishtowel. She was beautiful. He loved her. But she didn’t understand. She was not the one to fill that empty space in his heart. She was not the one who knew every secret, nothing withheld. But she was enough. She had to be. He took a quick look at his phone. He had no messages but he liked to see and know that she was online. Her profile picture was beautiful. For the moment, it was all he got from her. It was all he deserved. But he wanted more. He wanted all of her. Even if it meant leaving the safety of his family. After all, She was the one. His twin flame.
I felt your kisses and wanted more
But there was blood on your hands
You killed my heart and buried my soul.
No one will have me after we are through
And while I was damaged when we met
I am broken now that you left.
I look at the approaching pavement;
You killed me with your love.
I should not have given in to sin
But I was weak
For you, I would have been everything
I am gone.
This love has died
But there will be redemption and I will be born again.
Shiny and new,
And not there for you.
The flame that heats your frozen heart
The thought that brings you through the night
The stars that guide your way in the dark
The song that keeps your soul alight
The shoulder you lean on
The ear you whisper into
The love of your life
The one who fits profoundly
… That’s who I am to you.
(Or the one I want to be for you)
And when I said that I would not be leaving
I had one foot out of the door.
There was no way to start the healing
with you lying on my floor.
Your sweet scent and your honey words
Are sticky on my skin.
You want the best of both worlds
But never asked if I was in.
And as the years passed
And my love slowly faded away
Our kisses became chaste
While you whispered in your sleep ‘please stay’.
I can’t be who I am not
Even though I might not know who stares at me through the mirror
I miss who I was
If I could just remember it clearer.
I’ll have to let you go
Before I’m ready to return
Before I can admit to know
Before my soul stops to burn.
I see you lying where I left you
And bend down for a kiss
In this moment I understand our truth
It doesn’t have to be perfect to be bliss.
Without you, too many parts of me are empty
Too many thoughts are left unthought
An angel that heavens sent me
To create our very own smut.
Yes, it is boring when you are not here
And my arms are cold
When you are not near.
I promise, I am fully yours again to have and to hold.
Forever is for never
And we both know it well
And maybe it is most clever
If we keep this between us; promise to never tell.
My naked soul molds perfectly against yours
We waited for hours and a day
Now we are too close
To what we want to run away.
Lies and lines
Written and told
As long as the sun shines (on us)
Our love will be gold.
It comes in waves
Whispers of hope
Taking seed inside my mind.
More and more.
Whispers of hope
A flower in bloom
A sun rising in the sky
A song sung out of tune
A smile, for no reason.
Whispers of hope.
I stand in a corner afraid to fall apart My dress comes undone at its seams And the truth seeps in. Your hands cover my heart They must be feeling the distress. Don’t leave. I look at you the moment I wake I feel as if I am standing in a corner My legs don’t know any way out And the truth seeps in. Your eyes bore into my soul They must feel what I am not saying. Please leave. And the leaves fall from the trees And the rain pours out of the clouds And we don’t know in which direction to go. And the truth seeps in.
There is an ocean between us
Filled with our tears
Sadness and regrets
All washed up on the shore.
The distance is growing into a road
Paved with silence
Thoughts and lost passion
Driving us farther away from home.
The bags on our shoulders are heavy
Packed with longing
Memories and grief
Bringing us down on our knees.
The waves are swallowing what is left of us
Drinking it in
Forgetting and forgiving
Until our path brings us together again.
The wind blows away our differences
Far far away
Higher and higher
Before they will vanish into nothing.
The ocean turns into a puddle
Obstacles easy to overcome
Past and future
And a friendship will bloom.
You have not always been a stranger in my life. You used to be a part of it. Of me. You could still be a part of it (of me) if you wanted to be. My arms are still open. As it is, you became a stranger. When we pass each other on an open road, we lower our heads and wish we could turn back time, but there are no visible signs that we were once lovers. Sinners. Nobody knows our secret.
You’ve been gone for six months now. Things happened, life moved on and I let go of you and of the feelings I felt for you. But once in a while, like this weekend, the feelings come back. And I wonder. Do you ever wonder? What could have been? What would have been? Do you sometimes wish to not lower your head when our paths cross but to acknowledge what we had and who we were? I guess you don’t. I guess these are silly thoughts of a woman who cannot let go. I should though. And I know it. But as much as I hated what we were, I loved it too. And I would do it all again. In a heartbeat and without regrets. A year is a long time. I changed during the year we spent together. I became a woman who was able to see her qualities. I accepted myself for who I was. Because you told me how beautiful I am and you told me how beautiful my mind is. With you gone, that affirmation is gone too. And I am invisible to my own eyes again. I know, it shouldn’t be this way, but it is. It is my truth. If only I could reach you again. If only I could touch you again. But it will not happen. And I will keep wondering if your thoughts drift to me before you fall asleep, and if you compose messages for me that you never send.
There are no words that are meaningful enough to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you meant to me. And while I write these words, I keep thinking that I am not in love. I am not in love. I am just in need. I am in need of the person who seemed to be a soul mate to me. I miss the understanding and the way that nothing was complicated between us, unless we let the world complicate it. I miss your gentle voice in my ear and the way you said my name. The voice is fading. I should have kept a record of it. But I didn’t. I don’t have anything physical that reminds me of our time. No evidence at all. Just the memories in my head. And I am afraid that they will change from what really was into what I wished it would have been.
The door is still wide open. The hole you left gaping wide is waiting for your presence to fill it again. And I am afraid that the hole will get bigger and bigger until I vanish inside of it. And I will be gone. It was easy to cope with your loss, at first. I was strong and too many things were changing in my life, I didn’t have the time to let my emotions rule me. But now that I fell and walked back into the dark, I am reminded of how much you are missed. I shouldn’t miss you. I shouldn’t write to you when I am not well. I should show you how well I am and how much success I have now. Fuck it. You saw me at my best and at my worst and you handled it well. Or I like to pretend that you did. I mean, there are reasons why you left when you did. I am sure that I drove you away. I sucked the light out of you and was too demanding. The novelty of me had worn off too. And, you couldn’t deal with the fact that I understood. I saw you for who you were and my arms and my heart were still open for you. I wasn’t scared or appalled. No, I was there. And I will always be there for you. Whenever you choose to come back, I will be there.
Ah dear stranger. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be strangers anymore? Wouldn’t it be nice to be lovers again? Two lovers in the morning sun. Overwhelmed with lust. And connecting on every possible level. The romantic in me tries to resurface. The realist wants me to say goodbye with this letter.
One last goodbye. But the memories… They are too meaningful to forget. Too important to hide in a closet. They are everything.
We will meet again, Sweetie. Ja? Say my name and I will be yours again.