Throwback – it’s the little things

  • Crying during a movie
  • A song that turns back time and carries you to one specific moment
  • A book you can’t set down
  • Tea that has the right temperature
  • The sun shining through trees
  • A formation of clouds
  • A rainbow
  • Thunder and lightning
  • A right pressure on the spot where your back hurts most
  • A child saying your name
  • A child giving you a hug
  • Birthday wishes from people you thought had forgotten about you
  • An evening with friends
  • Hugs (but hugs aren’t a little thing)
  • A song on the radio that you like
  • Your child singing along to your favourite song
  • An entire paragraph that was written without a typo
  • Writing the first words after having felt uninspired for a long time
  • Not setting the alarm
  • Empty plates
  • A decent parking spot
  • One last chewing gum when you thought there weren’t any left
  • A smile from a stranger
  • Giving a busker some money and the gratitude in their eyes when you offer to buy them something warm to drink
  • Old pictures
  • New songs
  • The smell of my pillow
  • Clothes that are still warm from the tumble dryer
  • Smooth skin
  • Even numbers (grocery shopping, gas pump)
  • The scent of my favourite perfume
  • When the hurt goes away
  • Being aware of life’s beauty
  • Not forgetting life’s challenges
  • Sleep
  • Lists
  • Realising that many little things make some big things
  • A kiss
  • A good dream
  • Serenity
  • Thinking without succumbing to melancholy
  • An old voice message that still makes you smile
  • A memory
  • Knowing that everything will be alright (even if it doesn’t look that way)
  • Being present (are you there?)
  • The clock that says 23:09 or 08:02
  • Sunrise
  • Not feeling regrets
  • Remembering a friend who has passed away
  • Thinking of people who changed our lives (I am thinking about you daily lately – are you there?)
  • Notifications
  • Stars
  • I am what I am
  • The wind in my hair
  • The soundtrack of my life
  • The perfect shade of your favourite colour (raspberry or aubergine)
  • A picture that touches you
  • A song that pulls at all the right strings
  • Being understood without the need to explain everything in detail
  • A life in pictures that were never taken
  • Everything and more

Top 11 songs on Spotify

This year, these are the top 11 songs I listened to on Spotify. The top 2 are missing though. And they are – drumroll –

2nd place:

Anathema – the beginning and the end

1st place

Luke Sital Singh – until the night is done

.

As you can see, my tastes are varied and random. This is the link to my entire Top 100 streamed songs of 2018. Spotify Top 100 of 2018

Any thoughts about this? Songs you like? Songs you hate? Surprising songs in this list?

Have a lovely week.

Cathy

101 things I dislike

Throwback to 2016 when I wrote this list. It’s been a long time, and I updated it somewhat — not a lot.

Can you relate?

Without fear of being judged (read: with near panic like fear of being judged) I will try to come up with 101 things I don’t like.

1. The colour orange

2. Flying

3. The cold weather

4. Snow

5. Chocolate

6. Ketchup

7. Christmas songs and decorations in November

8. Waiting

9. Being ordered around

10. People who don’t say thank you

11. Rude people

12. Unanswered questions

13. Lemon

14. birds

15. Feathers

16. The sound of my alarm clock

17. Being tickled

18. Being taken for granted

19. Negative people

20. Emotional vampires

21. Instruments that are out of tune

22. Cocky people

23. Jealousy

24. Drivers not setting the turn signal

25. Wondering if my English is good enough and if others understand what I am trying to say

26. Doubting myself

27. People who make lots of noise when they are eating (!! Important one)

28. Fruit

29. Killing animals – even flies

30. Not being taken seriously

31. People who aren’t getting the job done right

32. Belching

33. The smell of vomit

34. Touching door handles in public spaces

35. Not seeing anything at a concert

36. Payment declined – for no reason

37. Forgetting my pin code

38. Water touching my ears (anything touching my ears)

39. Swimming

40. Crowds

41. Ignorance

42. The smell of cold smoke

43. Sprite or any sweet beverage

44. Anything bitter

45. Having a stuffed nose

46. Being surprised

47. Offering presents

48. Shopping for clothes

49. Animals

50. Meat

51. Saying goodbye

52. Deadlines

53. Gory horror movies

54. Going to church

55. Thinking about negative things

56. Mess left by the kids after eating nuts or grains

57. Jazz

58. Musicals

59. Long fingernails

60. Not having enough sleep

61. Chanel no 5

62. Visiting a home for disabled people

63. The sound of chalk on a blackboard

64. Expensive rents or mortgages

65. Working in a garden

66. Sketching, drawing, painting

67. Pens that aren’t working

68. Coffee with sugar

69. My double chin

70. Milk

71. Hairy feet

72. Star wars

73. Harry Potter

74. Lord of the rings

75. The way eyes itch from allergies

76. Almonds and nuts

77. Bread (with the exception of French baguette)

78. No toilet paper when I am on the loo

79. Autocorrect

80. Forgetting to save my work when I just wrote 500+ words

81. 0 likes on stories or poems I thought turned out great; 21 likes on mediocre poems or stories

82. Questions with obvious answers

83. Gossip

84. Talking bad behind someone’s back

85. Losing track of people who once were an important part of my life

86. Wasting time (mine and the time of others too)

87. Forgetting things

88. Broken promises

89. Being unable to speak straight sentences lately (stuttering, not finding the right words)

90. Dentists

91. Being late (me or people being late)

92. Being intense

93. Migraines

94. Fishing for more things I dislike

95. No network or wifi

96. Social media knows everything about us (bye bye Facebook)

97. Being watched while crying

98. Being stared at

99. Not knowing how other people are seeing me

100. Oranges

101. That I found 100 things I dislike…

Are you surprised? Why? Now, what do you think?

Ten years ago…

  • Ten years ago, I was pregnant with my second child; my first daughter
  • Ten years ago, I was on maternity leave
  • Ten years ago, I lived in a completely different house
  • Ten years ago, I was twenty-five years old
  • Ten years ago, my son was three years old and had just started Précoce (after nursery but before preschool)
  • Ten years ago, I had never written a story nor a poem (if it wasn’t for school)
  • Ten years ago, I drove a small blue car
  • Ten years who, my best friend thought it was best to break up our friendship. We reconciled in 2011, and she broke our friendship up again this year
  • Ten years ago, my music collection was only a third of what it is today
  • Ten years ago, I didn’t chat with random people
  • Ten years ago, I didn’t cuss
  • Ten years ago, my English was way worse than it is today
  • Ten years ago, my grandma was still alive
  • Ten years ago, I was happy
  • Ten years ago, I had no idea that one of my biggest wishes would come true… But beware what you wish for…
  • Ten years ago, I had no friends
  • Ten years ago, I lived in a messy house and watched TV all day long
  • Ten years ago, I was still a child
  • If I had known then what I know now… But I didn’t. No regrets.

Maybe life was easier ten years ago. I was healthier, physically and psychologically. I was more naive. More alone. Oblivious to the things around me. I was educated but uninterested. I lived in my bubble, and I was happy that I didn’t have to work. I liked being home and spent hours on end with my sister on the phone. I bought tons of movies to watch. I can’t imagine that life again, although it was a lot less complicated. I like being a mom of three. I love work; especially the job I have now. Writing became a life-breath for me. I am a lot more active and interested. I am opinionated, and if I can be totally honest, I think that my views are interesting too. I am still shy and an introvert. I am hiding in plain sight, making it look as if I am not hiding at all. The 2018/Cathy is a lot more fun than the younger version. Just ask around. What I miss is the carefree attitude I had back then (and my long hair). Every non-fiction post I share these days is accompanied by that nagging voice asking “who cares?!” It makes me wonder why I doubt myself so much? I have a right to claim my place, just like everyone else. Why am I this sensitive and emotional? Why can’t I accept compliments? Why do I feel the need to diminish my successes, my qualities, my oddities? I have an answer, and I don’t have one. The answer lies in my childhood trauma. But is there not a time when we can’t (or shouldn’t) blame our childhood for our damages? Then again, the childhood years are called formative years for a reason.

Would you like to go back to where you were ten years ago?

My own personal answer is: No. Everything I ever did, every choice and every decision, brought me here. And I wouldn’t want to change anything right now. (But a little financial security would be nice too… It’s not nice to worry about money)

Where were you ten years ago?

Cathy

I like…

  • Raspberries
  • The colour purple
  • Reading
  • Listening to music
  • Talking about music
  • Knowing my facts in a conversation
  • Lists
  • My job
  • The wind in my hair on a hot and sunny day
  • Taking long baths
  • Driving my car – fast
  • Having a connection
  • Laughing
  • Singing
  • Readers who relate
  • Unexpected turns of events
  • Pleasing people
  • Live music
  • Playing the guitar – no matter how bad I am at it.
  • That state of tipsiness after a couple of beers (not being drunk)
  • Baking and people loving the outcome
  • Inspiration
  • Sitting down and writing something good – effortlessly
  • Foot massages
  • Movie night with the kids
  • Taking pictures
  • Looking at pictures
  • Memories
  • That I am strong enough to not have regrets
  • I loved and I had heartaches
  • Sunrises
  • When that serene feeling spreeds inside my soul – out of nowhere
  • Dreaming something good
  • Sleeping
  • Feeling deeply
  • Having a good cry
  • Knowing who I am
  • Appreciating my worth
  • I held on
  • I will not let go
  • Parenting
  • My kids
  • I am educated
  • I laugh about my own shortcomings
  • I keep secrets
  • Not afraid of telling it how I see it
  • Drilling holes
  • Men
  • Teasing people
  • Humour and sarcasm
  • Understanding where others don’t even try
  • Supporting the people I believe in
  • Vegetables
  • The fact that I am finding so many things I like
  • Evoking emotions with my writing
  • Being me and not hiding
  • Listening
  • Being praised
  • Doing nothing
  • Doing a whole lot of things
  • Not forgetting
  • Not holding grudges
  • I allow myself the time I need when I am not well
  • My eyes
  • My smile
  • My boobs and my ass
  • Reading my horoscope
  • Twitter
  • Artists
  • Beauty
  • My ever growing record collection
  • Being smiled at
  • Being kind
  • My mischief
  • Showing empathy
  • (… And lots more that I can’t think of this spontaneously)

101 things I dislike (written in late 2016 – not everything is accurate anymore)

Bicycle randomness

  • I never lived alone and on my own
  • I don’t like fruits, apart from raspberry
  • I work at a nursery and love my job a lot
  • Yesterday, a family member told me how unhappy I am. I was offended. I am not unhappy.
  • My kids are the best thing I ever created
  • I cannot stop writing
  • The woman who got me into serious writing and me, drifted apart. Recently we got back in touch and I love every moment of it because she is such an amazing human being
  • I am 35 and married with three kids. I don’t often mention this little fact
  • My depression was ridiculed by family members, that’s why I don’t talk about it anymore
  • Is a random fact still random when it is in an ordered list?
  • I am a messy person and hate to clean up
  • Sometimes, I am OCD
  • I am definitely overthinking and always looking ways to blame me
  • Autoaggression – it has many different faces
  • I am afraid people don’t like me
  • I try to be kind but I can be bitchy too
  • I like to brag about my music collection, but it is really eclectic. So much so that I bet you that you wouldn’t know half of the artists
  • I can’t be funny on purpose
  • I appear to be too serious, but I am not
  • My humour is dark, twisted, and very nasty
  • I am not as innocent as I may appear to be
  • When we moved house a couple of months ago, I found a hoodie an ex gave to me. My son is wearing it all the time now. I am not sure if that is a good thing
  • I am very tired all the time, but I can’t sleep
  • Don’t send roses and don’t save the last dance for me – I don’t care about these things. I am not a romantic
  • I haven’t cried in a while.
  • I am emotional. And I care. Even about the wellbeing of the people who aren’t part of my journey anymore
  • The title of this post doesn’t make any sense at all
  • I am grateful that I am an open-minded person. I am learning a lot every day
  • I like to read
  • I love spinach and broccoli – I really do
  • I can’t believe my son is already 13
  • I stopped sharing as much on IG because three of my work colleagues followed me there and I don’t want them to see the very real me
  • I hate to censor myself
  • It’s an honour to see when people relate to my writing
  • I am a proud Luxembourger
  • I am a sleepyhead who believes in the power of dreams and reads her horoscope everyday. I don’t necessarily believe in it, and yet, I like to read it
  • In my need to be appreciated, I often agree to do things I don’t like
  • I can’t say “no” very well
  • Most times, I am a good person
  • I am not intelligent enough to read poetry. I often don’t understand it
  • Simple words. Short sentences. Lots of impact.
  • This blog has had more traffic in 2018 than in all the years before. And I love it.
  • I don’t have anything important to say
  • That doesn’t stop me from saying the unimportant things
  • I am good at giving advice – but I can’t follow any advice
  • There is a definite submissive streak in me, but I don’t like to give up control
  • I believe that there is a song for every situation
  • I have been using the username “micqu” since 2011. Before that, I was mysteria. Mysteria wasn’t mysterious at all and the name was taken on too many sites already. Micqu was borrowed from a friend who said that she wanted her first child to be called Miko. Catherine (which is my real birthname) was added when I published my first novel
  • I am an awful writer. I am an amazing writer
  • My favourite perfume is Jean-Paul Gaultier Classique pour femme
  • Cutting my long hair short was a very big deal for me
  • I haven’t seen my mom in 6 months. I haven’t seen my dad in 4 months. I haven’t seen my sister in 2 years. I am not attached to them. I often feel rootless.
  • If I didn’t write, I would be a better housekeeper
  • I am not patient in my private life, yet my patience is praised at work
  • I can only sleep on my stomach
  • I own two guitars but I can only play some basic chords
  • My kids are inheriting their love for music and books from me
  • I burnt my tongue tonight. I hate the feeling in my mouth
  • Tomorrow is labour day
  • This list is very selfish and not very informative
  • I am proud of you for having read this far
  • I am proud of me for not having given up on this thing (the blog, I mean)
  • Too much information
  • I like to look at interesting pieces of art
  • It’s 22:47
  • I know three people who have a birthday today
  • Thank you. Have a good morning; enjoy your day, and have an amazing night.
  • This is randomness 68 (if I counted right)
  • Inspired by @cappytalks Paul is way better at this than I am
  • (…) to be continuing

It’s the little things

  • Crying during a movie
  • A song that turns back time and carries you to one specific moment
  • A book you can’t set down
  • Tea that has the right temperature
  • The sun shining through trees
  • A formation of clouds
  • A rainbow
  • Thunder and lightning
  • A right pressure on the spot where your back hurts most
  • A child saying your name
  • A child giving you a hug
  • Birthday wishes from people you thought had forgotten about you
  • An evening with friends
  • Hugs (but hugs aren’t a little thing)
  • A song on the radio that you like
  • Your child singing along to your favourite song
  • An entire paragraph that was written without a typo
  • Writing the first words after having felt uninspired for a long time
  • Not setting the alarm
  • Empty plates
  • A decent parking spot
  • One last chewing gum when you thought there weren’t any left
  • A smile from a stranger
  • Giving a busker some money and the gratitude in their eyes when you offer to buy them something warm to drink
  • Old pictures
  • New songs
  • The smell of my pillow
  • Clothes that are still warm from the tumble dryer
  • Smooth skin
  • Even numbers (grocery shopping, gas pump)
  • The smell of my favourite perfume
  • When the hurt goes away
  • Being aware of life’s beauty
  • Not forgetting life’s challenges
  • Sleep
  • Lists
  • Realising that many little things make some big things
  • A kiss
  • A good dream
  • Serenity
  • Thinking without succumbing to melancholy
  • An old voice message that still makes you smile
  • A memory
  • Knowing that everything will be alright (even if it doesn’t look that way)
  • Being present (are you there?)
  • The clock that says 23:09 or 08:02
  • Sunrise
  • Not feeling regrets
  • Remembering a friend who has passed away
  • Thinking of people who changed our lives (I am thinking about you daily lately – are you there?)
  • Notifications
  • Stars
  • I am what I am
  • The wind in my hair
  • The soundtrack of my life
  • The perfect shade of your favourite colour (raspberry or aubergine)
  • A picture that touches you
  • A song that pulls at all the right strings
  • Being understood without need to explain everything in detail
  • A life in pictures that were never taken
  • Everything and more

But that’s just a tiny part of me.

I forget how to make my legs work. I stumble, I fall. My knees are bruised from polite submission. I can’t get up. Lying in the dirt. Digging my own hole with broken fingernails. Filthy and discarded. Damaged goods. That’s me. A failure. Someone who gave up.

But that’s just a tiny part of me.

I am a fighter. Stronger than I admit or let on. Calculated. Cold. Empathetic. Affectionate. One doesn’t exclude this other. I pulled myself up without any help. All by myself. Damaged goods. That’s me. A success. Someone who never gave up.

But that too is just a tiny part of me.

I know so much about music and movies and actors… And if I don’t know, I do my research. All this useless information that is stuck inside my head.

Voices… I have voices in my head. No, I am not insane. But I talk to myself and create storylines in my head. I think about what to say and work the words over in my head until they make sense. And my stutter got worse again.

Quite emotional… I am rarely emotional. I cried when my grandma passed away last November. I cried when my son told me that I am a bad mother (and when he told me a week later that he didn’t mean the words he said). I cried when I felt abandoned. But I also cry when I hear music. Lyrics get to me all the time. And all of a sudden I am a crying mess. I cry when I see movies or TV shows. Last time I cried was during an episode of How to Get Away With Murder. I’ve been binge watching that show since last Sunday.

Too open-minded.

I don’t like women. The drama and narcissism is just too much for me. I don’t have many friends.

I love my son. We have a deep bond and I hope that it will stay that way. I think, I know a thing or two about him he doesn’t know himself. And when he comes to term with it, I will be there.

I am picky. With everything. Most of all with food and books.

I was so proud that I lost lots of weight some time ago. I guess it is all back and a little extra too. I’ve been neglecting myself. Drank too much, ate too much crap. It will stop and change. I am a stress eater and I eat when I am bored…

I had three weeks off work and my work colleagues sent me messages that they miss me and that they’re looking forward to me coming back. Me too.

I suffer from depression. And the older I get, the more anxiety is added to the mix. I feel useless and obsolete when I am not taking my medication. It has worsened a lot.

Two years ago, right around this time I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am not anymore. Yet, I still feel hopeful right now. As if it is okay.

Everything happens for a reason is such a cliché and yet such a huge part of my life’s philosophy.

Chewing gum. Phone/internet. These are my addictions.

I love vegetables, but I don’t like fruits.

I will never stop to need affection and acknowledgement. Of course I known that I need to earn it. And even when I receive love and admiration even, it is never enough to fill the hollow that has been there since I was a kid.

I didn’t have a nice childhood, but I didn’t have the worst either. And yet, all the events I experienced shaped me into the girl I am now. With a healthy mom and a present dad, I would be a different woman. A man once said I have daddy issues. I don’t know. Maybe he was right.

The most romantic thing I was ever told (spoken directly to me on the phone): “As long as I have cum in my balls and a mind in my brain, I will not forget you” It’s vulgar but beautiful too.

My favourite part of me is my eyes and my lips. I also like my voice.

Sometimes, things start out one way and end another and that’s okay.

People are onions. Layers and layers need to be peeled away to get to the core. And tears are plenty.

All of this is still just a tiny part of me. I am. But you just see the fragments I chose to show.

World Gratitude Day

​I just read that September 21st is world gratitude day. I am a fan of lists, here are some things I am grateful for:
*living in a safe country without wars or high crime rate

*friends who don’t ask anything in return when I need their shoulder for once

*the strength I recently showed when I reached out and asked for support

*the smile that is always there, even when I am not well

*my husband who makes me feel safe

*clean water and food in abundance

*people who like my writing and comment on it (and don’t shy away from reading my short stories – a not so subtle request to read my short stories, lol. The ones on my profiles and the ones hidden in that collection called ‘Try a Little Tenderness’)

*the air that we breathe daily

*and the sun that kisses our skin

*the ability to write and to read

*Internet

*music that matches my mood

*happy children

*pizza… I so want pizza now, but it’s almost 11pm… I think we’ll have pizza for dinner tomorrow 🙂

*my busy (and often annoying) mind

*(many more, less shallow things)
Can you share 3 things for which you are grateful?
xx

Cathy