Nothing

I travelled across the sea and drowned at the foot of an insurmountable mountain

Under every rock, I hid, until all that was left of me were shadows in the grass

The nothingness I became began to float up into the sky and was burned in the searing heat of the sun

I turned into dust – blown by the wind, leaving invisible traces on your soul and in your mind.

Sweet taboo

Take off All your clothes, you ordered. There was not an ounce of doubt; not a flash of hesitation, I complied. You knew I was your puppet, and we both enjoyed it. I stripped, trying to be sensual, but being my clumsy self instead. Of course, I couldn’t get my skinny jeans off my feet. Of course, the hooks of my bra got caught in my hair. Of course, I blushed and wished I hadn’t started this at all. My confidence was hanging on a thinning threat; any moment now, the wrong word – or what I interpreted as the wrong word, would make me run.

Look at me! Another order. I wasn’t submissive, but your voice and the mood we had created in our sanctuary made me obey. I looked at you, and you were smiling. I could see that even though my performance had been underwhelming, your body was reacting to me as much as I was reacting to yours.

You got up from your chair. Large steps. Warm hands. Shivers. Kisses. Nibbles. Don’t move! I didn’t dare to move. I almost forgot how to breathe. I was your prey. You were the predator. You devoured me, and it was the most enjoyable torture I ever endured, entirely at your mercy — flames of lust licking at our souls until they were sticky and we were unable to break apart.

Sweetest taboo. Again and again. We were made of passionate desire; feeding off each other, until it became too much to bear and our hearts exploded; our souls imploded, and our remnants were scattered; blown in the wind — eternal stars on the night sky.

There is a time for everything – writing note 1

There is a time for everything and now is the time for me to say goodbye. I am much better off without you, my love. You knew it; I knew it too, but I needed time to understand. Oh, I am not worried, you will miss me forever. I will miss you too. There will never be a man I love as deeply as I loved you. There will never be a man who will be able to hurt me as much as you did. There will never be a man who lifted me up as much as you did. There will never be a man who will be allowed to see me as naked and stripped as you did.

From the first email to our last messages; three years of passion, of silent periods, of persistence, of manipulation passed. Three years that have changed me for the better. Three years I will never regret. Three years I will never forget. There is a time for everything. Even for goodbye.

unfulfilled wish

I was wishing upon a star to find a place in the middle of your heart

I was wishing and wishing and wishing

But all I got was an insult and the courage to make a new start.

The star knew better than to grant my wish

I was crying and crying and crying

My tears became a salty river for the fish.

The middle of your heart was filled with love for an other

I finally understood

There was no need to repeat my wish, I was too good to be your secret lover.

And so I looked at the night sky and thanked the shooting star

I smiled and smiled and laughed

An unfulfilled wish was what I needed to see who you really are.

101 things I dislike

Throwback to 2016 when I wrote this list. It’s been a long time, and I updated it somewhat — not a lot.

Can you relate?

Without fear of being judged (read: with near panic like fear of being judged) I will try to come up with 101 things I don’t like.

1. The colour orange

2. Flying

3. The cold weather

4. Snow

5. Chocolate

6. Ketchup

7. Christmas songs and decorations in November

8. Waiting

9. Being ordered around

10. People who don’t say thank you

11. Rude people

12. Unanswered questions

13. Lemon

14. birds

15. Feathers

16. The sound of my alarm clock

17. Being tickled

18. Being taken for granted

19. Negative people

20. Emotional vampires

21. Instruments that are out of tune

22. Cocky people

23. Jealousy

24. Drivers not setting the turn signal

25. Wondering if my English is good enough and if others understand what I am trying to say

26. Doubting myself

27. People who make lots of noise when they are eating (!! Important one)

28. Fruit

29. Killing animals – even flies

30. Not being taken seriously

31. People who aren’t getting the job done right

32. Belching

33. The smell of vomit

34. Touching door handles in public spaces

35. Not seeing anything at a concert

36. Payment declined – for no reason

37. Forgetting my pin code

38. Water touching my ears (anything touching my ears)

39. Swimming

40. Crowds

41. Ignorance

42. The smell of cold smoke

43. Sprite or any sweet beverage

44. Anything bitter

45. Having a stuffed nose

46. Being surprised

47. Offering presents

48. Shopping for clothes

49. Animals

50. Meat

51. Saying goodbye

52. Deadlines

53. Gory horror movies

54. Going to church

55. Thinking about negative things

56. Mess left by the kids after eating nuts or grains

57. Jazz

58. Musicals

59. Long fingernails

60. Not having enough sleep

61. Chanel no 5

62. Visiting a home for disabled people

63. The sound of chalk on a blackboard

64. Expensive rents or mortgages

65. Working in a garden

66. Sketching, drawing, painting

67. Pens that aren’t working

68. Coffee with sugar

69. My double chin

70. Milk

71. Hairy feet

72. Star wars

73. Harry Potter

74. Lord of the rings

75. The way eyes itch from allergies

76. Almonds and nuts

77. Bread (with the exception of French baguette)

78. No toilet paper when I am on the loo

79. Autocorrect

80. Forgetting to save my work when I just wrote 500+ words

81. 0 likes on stories or poems I thought turned out great; 21 likes on mediocre poems or stories

82. Questions with obvious answers

83. Gossip

84. Talking bad behind someone’s back

85. Losing track of people who once were an important part of my life

86. Wasting time (mine and the time of others too)

87. Forgetting things

88. Broken promises

89. Being unable to speak straight sentences lately (stuttering, not finding the right words)

90. Dentists

91. Being late (me or people being late)

92. Being intense

93. Migraines

94. Fishing for more things I dislike

95. No network or wifi

96. Social media knows everything about us (bye bye Facebook)

97. Being watched while crying

98. Being stared at

99. Not knowing how other people are seeing me

100. Oranges

101. That I found 100 things I dislike…

Are you surprised? Why? Now, what do you think?

stronger than yesterday

Shadows are hunting my dreams

Thieves! They want to steal my light; or so it seems.

I run faster. I stumble and curse and stutter

It all makes my thoughts pucker.

Wrinkled mind and uneven ideas;

My demons insist on instilling fears.

But deep inside grows a seed,

It was planted in my brain before I was freed.

Cracks in my walls let light in;

Its heat tickles my skin.

Bold and fearless I stretch my senses,

Breaking down the last remaining fences.

The shadows hide in the light of day,

But they will be back, and I am ready to fight; come whatever may.

gone ’til November

Mistakes, I made a few. But none of them was you.

In the middle of the night, I lost the fight.

I ran away from myself, hid my memories between books on the shelf.

If I didn’t miss you this much, if I could re-feel your last touch;

but what’s done is done. You’re gone.

I am too, I don’t know what to do.

Words became shadows, minds decompose.

I wish you were here, but I am relieved you are not near.

I never meant to start a war

I never meant to start a war, but here I am hurt and bleeding. Losing a battle with myself. I know how to hurt myself; which words cause the most damage; which thoughts will leave me paralyzed. And yet… I do not avoid them. I keep battling myself. I never meant to start a war, but here I am. Crying silent tears; choking on my breath. I cannot regret and I cannot redeem myself. And yet… I keep going over the same things in my head. I never meant to start a war, but I am losing. Wallowing in my bruised thoughts. Drowning. Suffocating. Going under in a sea of cutting blades. I wish we had never met. Get out of my head. Voices – be silent. Hands – be still. I never meant to start a war, but that’s who I am. Hurting, bruising, yelling – drowning myself.

I Never Meant To Start A War

(Repost from November 17th 2017)

burning ink

And while words are written and songs are sung, we are trying to find out what’s going to become of us.

Burning ink

Whispers on a page

And we are asleep and dreaming. Living in a fantasy that will never be.

Raging storms

Blown away thoughts

And the world around us keeps spinning; night turns into day again and again.

Spilled tears

Growing seeds

Neverending heaviness settles around our hearts. No more air, just dust. Only just what is left of us.

I am made of…

…music.

Tonight I am.

Ups and downs. All the time. I had one very good week. I am not used to it and mentioned it many times. Then came the fall. It always does. Strangely, when it happens, and I try to reach out, no one is there – everyone is busy. Maybe that’s just a subjective feeling; I don’t know.

What I do know is that music is the most soothing thing for me when my mind is acting up.

I went on a date tonight. A movie date to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I grew up with music from Queen, and I know many songs. I read books about Freddie Mercury. Most notably the one by Jim Hutton. I like the band. I do. But I am not a superfan.

Hearing all those amazing songs in a movie theatre tonight was like balm for my soul. Music should always be playing this loud.

Of course, Who Wants to Live Forever made me cry, it always does.

But, the strangest thing happened too. There was something like magic in the air. The film ended, and the credits were rolling. The lights were on, and the exit doors were wide open, but the audience didn’t move. It was as if most people were just enjoying a couple more minutes of great music played loudly. And most people had that smile on their face, the blissful smile that only music or a live show can bring. It was quite extraordinary. And I loved it.

So… Shit mind and mood aside, music made me smile again tonight. It made me light. I know that tomorrow will be different again. I cried a lot these last two days, for no reason. Or seemingly so. I wish I were normal. I wish I didn’t burden people with this; with me. But I do. Because I am made of music. But I am also made of emotions. I am made of all the small pieces that make me whole. (Everyone is, I am not special)

Thank you.