And as she is standing on this slippery pebbled shore and sees the world is floating by, she takes a step on wobbly legs and starts on her road to hell. She knows the way and she knows how to get there on her own. No one on this journey with her. No one else to blame. As much as she wants to pretend it’s them – the men she seduces and teases; the words she doesn’t use; the past, the present, and the future. But no – this is about her and her road to hell. Maybe she has found her hell already? But no – this is life. Her life. Her choices. She keeps watching as the world floats by until she understands that she has lost her legs and that she is floating too. Well damn – isn’t this swell – this road to hell.
I just stumbled over this… I wrote it last October and I think, it feels real and intense and maybe even powerful. I can’t remember that I wrote it, but it is definitely my writing and my fictional character in this. Can I be blunt? I read this and I teared up and I don’t know why. It’s the sole reason why I share this link and hope that you will be touched by this too.
Ghost of the Night.
And when I said that I would not be leaving
I had one foot out of the door.
There was no way to start the healing
with you lying on my floor.
Your sweet scent and your honey words
Are sticky on my skin.
You want the best of both worlds
But never asked if I was in.
And as the years passed
And my love slowly faded away
Our kisses became chaste
While you whispered in your sleep ‘please stay’.
I can’t be who I am not
Even though I might not know who stares at me through the mirror
I miss who I was
If I could just remember it clearer.
I’ll have to let you go
Before I’m ready to return
Before I can admit to know
Before my soul stops to burn.
I see you lying where I left you
And bend down for a kiss
In this moment I understand our truth
It doesn’t have to be perfect to be bliss.
Without you, too many parts of me are empty
Too many thoughts are left unthought
An angel that heavens sent me
To create our very own smut.
Yes, it is boring when you are not here
And my arms are cold
When you are not near.
I promise, I am fully yours again to have and to hold.
Forever is for never
And we both know it well
And maybe it is most clever
If we keep this between us; promise to never tell.
My naked soul molds perfectly against yours
We waited for hours and a day
Now we are too close
To what we want to run away.
Lies and lines
Written and told
As long as the sun shines (on us)
Our love will be gold.
Open eyes and open heart
The storm is you.
My breath of life belongs to you.
But I claim it back
I need it too.
Roughed up by the wind
Bruised in hidden places.
The cloud is you.
My tears are yours.
But I claim them again.
I need them for myself too,
For I am the sun and the light and the moon and the stars…
I am the beauty, high up in the sky.
Gently put your teeth in me
Devour me from within
All is lost
As if I had never been.
I run and I run. My legs are burning. They are heavy as lead. But I keep running. I run towards the dark alley that is calling my name. An alley I would avoid at all cost every other night. Not now. Not tonight. You are calling me. And I have to find you. I need you.
“Come Cathy!” I hear it loud and clear. And I keep running. And running. Because I want to catch you. You are my safe haven. I need to find you. Your presence will give me peace. And I keep running towards the dark. And the unknown. Edged on by the hope to find you, my love.
“Come Cathy!” And I want to come to you. But I can’t reach you. No matter how fast I run, you are never there.
“Come Cathy!” It beginning to be frustrating. Devastating. Desperation sets in. How can I reach you? And I run and I run. Until I can’t run anymore and I stop. Everything is dark. There is no sound. Claustrophobic. Empty walls are closing in on me.
“Are you there?” I whisper. It sounds like the loudest scream in this absolute silence. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. And I realise that I am afraid. Fucking scared, actually. Of this silence. Of this void. Of this emptiness. Of you not being there.
“Are you there?” I whisper again. There is something cold and wet on my cheeks. Tears? And I can’t fill my lungs with enough air to breathe properly.
“Are you there?” I turn around several times. Turning in never-ending circles. I don’t know where I am. Lost and confused. And I am so alone. And so cold. Cold and alone. Inside, and outside too. Lost in the dark. In the unknown. Inside my dream.
“Come Cathy!” But I can’t do what you want me to do. I am not there. I am not real. Nothing is.
I wake up drenched in sweat. I remember the voice loud and clear. I know the voice. Your voice. My heart is pounding against my ribs and I can still hear my blood’s flow in my ears. It makes me deaf to every other sound surrounding me. Around me, the bedroom is bathed in a red hue from the sun touching the closed blinds. “Come Cathy!” resonates behind my eyes, and between my ears. I don’t know what it means. I can’t remember a thing. Nothing that matters. And in my agitated state it feels as if someone is watching me. I am at peace. I am safe. Because this is real, and you are not there.
I wish you were here to take away my fear
Knowing that you are just around the corner
A touch and a swipe on the screen away
Today, I need you to be here in my ear
I need to hear your voice, your words
Just for me and for you; you and me and you
Your guidance would help me through this struggle
Giving away my thoughts and my control
I feel this mind is losing a battle again
But I don’t dare to get in touch with you
I can’t burden you with my egoism
I wish you were here to take away this fear
Little known truths
Of love. Loss.
Vulnerable. Almost unbearable.
Empty heart. Heartbroken.
Words lick my skin
Inside. Craving the sin.
These truths became fantasies
Heaven weeps. Lost minds?
Yielding strength. We gave up.
Old wounds become new scars.
Untouchable thoughts. Forever hidden memories.
(Dedicated to my best friend who passed away two years ago. He shared the Thin Lizzy song “still in love with you” with me one night. (Sharing music was our thing.) I listened to that song earlier and that’s what inspired this poem.)
She lay awake in bed; wide awake. The time on her alarm kept moving forward until it was 04:26 in the morning. She only heard silence. No birds tweeting in the trees, no chirping in the grass. In the far distance, she thought she had heard thunder, but maybe it has just been a plane. What kept sleep so elusive? It was a memory.
“I made a mess,” he chuckled. I need to take a shower,” he said still trying to catch his breath. “Will you stay on the line?” She was somewhat surprised by his request, but she agreed. “I won’t take long,” he added. She heard the rustle of his sheets and the padding of his naked feet on hardwood floors. Doors opened and a shower curtain was pushed aside and then she already heard water running. She could almost see the water cascading over his naked, still flushed body. She heard how the water got caught in his hair and how it was released with a splash against the tiles. She heard bottles being open and shampoo being squeezed out. It was all so mundane, yet so intimate. And then he began to hum. She smiled. She loved listening to him. He wasn’t holding back. Just being himself. It filled her with a sense of serenity. Words were added to the sound of water. They didn’t make sense to her, and yet… She kept listening in. The water stopped and the curtain was pushed back again. Was he brushing his teeth now? The sheets were rustling again. “Are you still there?” “Yes, I am” she said fondly. “I need to go, I need to meet with my brother.” It wasn’t how she had the call expected to end, but he never did the expected. “I’ll get in touch, okay?” “Yes, yes okay. Take care.” “It was nice talking to you, sweetie. Bye” It had taken three months before he got back in touch.
She had been listening to his new record. It had been released weeks prior to her sleepless night and one particular song felt familiar. For days she wondered why. Until it hit her like a brick wall. That day in the shower, he had hummed the melody and sung some of the chorus’s words. Had she inspired a song? He hadn’t said anything in that regard but still… A girl can dream, can’t she?
“It’s in the way you need me,” he sang.
5am. The sky was changing its colour. A little over an hour before the alarm would go off. And she tried to hold on to his memory. A man who had since left her life. She still saw him at the edge of her life, but it became easier to ignore him these days. It became easier to not wait anymore. Most days anyway…
This is the end of the line
This is where I tie my noose.
I have been loosing my mind
But that’s okay, it lost its use.
I dance and I turn around and around
A manic laughter erupts from my face
My thoughts are now unbound
Lost in my lost mind’s maze.
Where is my mind?
It is drowning in a sea of forgotten memories.
The agony has turning me blind
But there is hope for recovery.
New hope under a different horizon
And the noose releases its grip around my neck
Isn’t life mesmerising?
I am back.
My weakness is how strong I can be
My earthly vessel is my kingdom
With blind eyes I can clearly see
Incoherent thoughts fuel my wisdom.
I can’t let go
Broken mind and closed off heart
I won’t say “no”
New dawn. New start.
I still taste you on my lips, you, the one who left me reeling
I cherish what you left and accept that you don’t share my feeling.
I push you out of my soul
If it just wouldn’t leave a gaping hole
But it is okay
What else am I supposed to say?!
You vanished in thin air
Where you ever there?
I guess I was in this alone,
Available for a couple of moans.
I say goodbye for now and erase you from my page
But I admit, I am still waiting in your cage.
How is it possible that I fell for you?
Someone who knows only his own view?
You brought the light and stole it again
You were the ink in my pen.
Did you ever appreciate who I became for you?
Or was I right and I am one of a few?
I let you see me in all my glory
And shared my life’s story.
I was too blind to see that you never cared about me
That I was just another fish in the sea.
I am done waiting for you to use me again
Forgotten. You. Me. Us. Goodbye.
Hush little sweetie…
Under these covers we hide;
Ready to experience our secret desires.
Raw and feral lust overtaking –
Inside of me everything is overheating, pulsing
Continuous moans whispered in heat
Ah… Don’t stop the waves from flooding my body.
Night and day and dark and light
Everlasting lust ties us together in this hurricane love.
I’ve been on this road for many years
Trying to forget all those tears.
And in the deepest low
Behind the darkest glow,
Hope was always hiding
A light was always shining.
I’ve been on this road, walking endless miles
Ignoring the past’s echoes and its cries.
And as I stopped and sat down
It took me a moment to understand that there were new friends in town.
My restless travels and my frantic searching were in vain
This was where I wanted to be stayin’.
I’ve been down that road so many times
Creating stories and words in my minds.
And in the shining sun
When I felt like I needed to run,
I found solace in my broken thoughts,
Tying together their fraying knots.
But this is not the end of the road,
This traveler’s pace has just been slowed.
Soaking in the beautiful landscape
Even the one that was manmade.
Just resting my weary eyes
And listening to the path the soul takes when it flies…
Spirits in need
Under crumbling bridges.
Bring back whatever it is you stole;
My love, my lust, my gentle touch.
Iridescent stars light the way
Shining on – and guiding our lost minds.
Souls meeting in silent understanding,
Intuition tells us what we need to do.
Our selves lose importance
Near the edge of lust.
(could this poem be an acrostic?! Yes, maybe, certainly, it is!)
Leaves dancing in the rain
Sun licking the morning dew;
Reflections in the window pane
Grey skies turning blue.
Behind a concealing mask
Feelings are an uncomfortable mess,
To understand is an unbearable task
And it’s easier to leave than to stay, I guess.
Toxic thoughts and actions;
Driving so-called friends away
Understanding their reactions
But missing them forever and a day.
More light in the dark
More tears in an ocean
Another life’s mark
Overcome by emotion.
A head full of spinning thoughts
Cowering in the corner of my mind
To unfurl their knots.
Once again, I am left behind.
A soap bubble of for never
Floating up to the clouds
A memory to stay forever
Hidden from the crowds.
I am the shadow in my light
I am the hope in my despair
But after my lastest sleepless night
I can say that I am still there.
I could scream but the most important people would not hear a sound. And everyone else would look away in embarrassment. I am not myself anymore. Someone stole the essence of me. Sucked it right out of my thoughts. I am not feeling myself.
Under lilac trees
No orange hues
Illuminating the streets.
Leading the ways
Pictures that no one will see
Songs that will never be heard
Nonsense makes sense
And she loses direction in life’s labyrinth.
In plain sight
In the stillness of the night.
Walking under shadows
Past willow trees
Found on her knees.
Iridescent internal life
Completed by imperfections
Darkness becomes light
It has always been you.
Left our hearts bleeding
Ends came too soon
And I keep wondering if I bruised your
Soul more than I will ever know.
Everything happened too fast.
Did we play a game and lost
Or did we fall and failed to be caught?
Not you me? Not me you?
Talk to me!
Dreams were shattered
Ice cold water drenched us from within
Seldom did I feel this protective and worried
And I want you to be here
Please, don’t disappear.
Pounding hope, inside
Eyes filled with fear.
And I wish I could
Reach out to make you see they way I see.
Rivulets of emotions
Growing into a rushing brook
Year in and year out I’m going through the motions
Hiding inside every rainbow’s nook.
As the earth unfolds its verdure
The sun turns into a comforting embrace
The birds singing their songs without allure
And the trees are standing tall in all their grace.
I feel my spirits awaken
And letting go of winter’s thoughts
My foolishness forsaken
As I accept my lovable flaws.
The wind and the weather;
They cannot bring you back
My heart floats like a feather
Mending my soul’s crack.
The spring’s healing powers
Are filling my being
As I stop to smell the flowers
Finally feeling life’s new meaning.
I can breathe without you by my side
And push the clouds off my mind
I don’t need the rainbow to hide
Because spring finds me refined.
There is an ocean between us
Filled with our tears
Sadness and regrets
All washed up on the shore.
The distance is growing into a road
Paved with silence
Thoughts and lost passion
Driving us farther away from home.
The bags on our shoulders are heavy
Packed with longing
Memories and grief
Bringing us down on our knees.
The waves are swallowing what is left of us
Drinking it in
Forgetting and forgiving
Until our path brings us together again.
The wind blows away our differences
Far far away
Higher and higher
Before they will vanish into nothing.
The ocean turns into a puddle
Obstacles easy to overcome
Past and future
And a friendship will bloom.
The moon is blinding me
Hiding our sin
I am not sure if I am okay
If I could just see…
If I kiss the sweat off your skin
Could our love see another day?
If we drowned in the sea
Or let the sun wear us thin
What if the love let us sway?
How wrong could that be?
Would we believe the voices within?
And would we take a chance to let our love stay?
How many days until we are free?
How many lost battles until we win?
There has to be a way.
Pale and unseen
Crumbled and bruised
So many ways
To be de-creased, uncreased.
But no one is there
To pull at the edges
Of your sheet.
Too many lit fires 🔥
Too many coffee stains
Not a blank page anymore
There is room left
To write a new story