Catherine Micqu

Unumgänglich (German poem)

Horizonte verglühen hinter unüberwindbare Wellen die sich im grauen Firmament spiegeln. Furcht getränkt sind unsere verkümmerten Finger, sie umklammern das letzte verheißungsvolle Teilchen welches unser Ich zusammen hält . Die Zukunft verweht mit jedem verzweifelt hervorgepreßten Atemstoß. Ungewissheit trübt unsere Sinne. Und dennoch schreiten wir weiter; knien nicht vor den Zungen der Vernunft. Das Hirn ist überfüllt mit Ware die wir weder wollen, noch brauchen; der Blick geht ins Leere. Farben verblassen. Die Völlerei hat uns krank gemacht. Und schlussendlich verschließen wir unsere nackten Augen und werden zu vergessenen Erinnerungen die in unbekannten Tränen ertranken.

Welcome to Eternity (repost)

And so it began. Her reflection in the mirror faded with every time she dared to look. Her skin became grey, and her eyes had lost the living spark. Color was a distant memory she only vaguely remembered. Grief had taken over the moment he had passed on. She rubbed her face with bony, wrinkled hands, trying to find the person she once was. But she was gone. He had taken everything with him, and he had left her with an old and worn shell.
She shuffled to the bedroom and closed the windows. The evening breeze was crisp; winter was lurking around a corner. She shed the last pieces of her clothing and laid on the bed, folding her hands on her soft stomach. Then she closed her eyes and conveyed the images of him that she had stored away in her mind. They came and took her away. Away from the grey. Away from the grief. She felt her feet touch the ground, and her eyes sought out details to understand where she was. She was in a strange land where no age and no pain existed. A land between life and death. But she didn’t know that yet. Her vessel was still inhaling air to fill her lungs and making her heartbeat on.

She could hear his voice; Henry’s voice was teasing her, asking to come see him. But whenever she turned toward the direction of the sound, nothing was there. No one was there.

“Henry?” Her thin voice reverberated through the nothingness — the uncertainty spread inside her body. The soles of her naked feet felt a change in the surrounding before her mind was able to catch on. Where the ground had been of sand and gravel before, it was now cotton-like and soft. Walking became more like floating. A burst of familiar laughter made her walk on with a smile. She was where she wanted to be. For a moment, her chest had felt constricted, but it wasn’t anymore. Panic that had threatened to arise was pushed back down. She knew that she would be fine because he was near.

There was no way to describe what she saw around her. There were no shapes, and yet everything was of different shapes. There were no colors, and yet everything was so very colorful. There were no sounds, and yet, it wasn’t quiet either. Everything felt familiar and well-known. Almost intimate. Even the smell of the air reminded her of a place she had loved once upon a time.

“Henry?” she asked again. She felt the touch on her bare arm before she saw him.

“There you are, my love,” he replied and kissed her forehead. “I missed you, what took you so long?” She needed a moment to answer. She took his cheeks between her hands and exhaled sharply. “Henry, is this you? This can’t be you.” The man looked familiar, but he was young. So very young. Her Henry had been old and sick, marked by his age and everything he had seen in his lifetime. His hands covered hers. The heat of him seeped into her. His smile was contagious and familiar. “It is you,” she whispered, stepping back and bringing her hands to her lips. If this was Henry, what did it mean? How could it be? The blurry shapes and colors changed around her. She was on the farm she had grown up. The grass was green; the shade of green it has after a recent summer rain. The sky was blue and cloudless. The barn that had burned down and had killed livestock stood tall and was painted in red and white. Looking down, she realized that she was standing on a wooden porch. She was wearing a thin dress she had loved because of the flowers on it. She turned around. Everything was familiar. Young Henry sat in a rocking chair, looking at her.

“Did the other shoe finally drop?” he chuckled and reached his hand out to her. He was engulfed in light. The glow was so bright, she almost had to look away, but she couldn’t. She took his hand, and he pulled her toward him. “Oh, Henry,” she sniveled. “Are we…?” She didn’t finish her question.

“Yes, Vera, my love. Welcome to eternity.”

sing me to sleep (flash fiction)

I woke up and looked around myself. I had that dream again. The dream in which I saw my mother get on the bus and leave me behind. Except, it wasn’t a dream; it was a memory that haunted me.
I was a grown-up, doing what grown-ups do. I worked forty hours every week – sometimes more. I met friends, went for drinks or dinner with them. Occasionally, I fell in love. More often, I craved the physical connection. A physical connection was easy to find, love – not so much.
Someone was stirring next to me, and I couldn’t remember his name. I should have felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t. Waking up next to someone I didn’t know was not uncommon for me. I would not rely on him to distract me from my childhood memories. I didn’t trust him. He didn’t feel like protection or safety; the nameless man next to me was only another warm body to make me forget the longing and the emptiness that spread through my body like cancer. The older I got, the more cells were infected. “Go back to sleep, honey,” his gravelly voice mumbled. I snorted. It were the exact same words my mother had said before the doors of the bus closed behind her. Or was it my imagination playing tricks on me?
I pushed the duvet off my body and let my feet connect with the hardwood floor. I needed something real, something that earthed me. Goosebumps rose on my naked skin. I couldn’t say if it was the lingering memory of the reoccurring dream, or if it was the chill from the starry night sneaking in through the opened window. I decided that it didn’t matter. There were so many little thoughts every day, and most of them didn’t matter. Once in a while, I felt as if I didn’t matter either. My weekdays were filled with responsibilities, work, and duties. There was no room for anything else. My weekends were wasted with alcohol and casual affairs. I didn’t allow my mind to come to terms with old wounds. But the mind and the soul knew that I needed to take better care of myself; hence the dreams.
I was afraid to be abandoned and to be left behind. It was easier to keep everyone at arm’s length. It was more comfortable to pretend that I was happy. In truth, I had no idea what happiness felt like. And maybe my expectations were too high? All my life, I had been searching for love, for a person who made me feel safe. Perhaps I was just blind?
I took my phone from the nightstand, and the illuminated display showed the loneliness of my life. A couple of shallow notification that I wasn’t interested in; I pushed them away.
I padded down to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and splash some water in my face, then I took my robe from the hook attached at the door and pulled it around me. I didn’t want to go back to the stranger in my bed, but I didn’t want to wake him up and throw him out in the middle of the night either. In the living room, I sat down in my favourite chair next to the window. I could see the sparkling dots on the dark firmament.
“Are you there?” I sent a message to the person who meant more than most to me. I didn’t expect a response; I just wanted to make sure that he would think of me when he woke up. I was about to put the phone down when it vibratedbin my hand. My heart went like mad, but I accepted the call anyway.
“Why are you still up? Bad dream?” He didn’t waste any time; he knew me too well. I nodded my head and added an affirmative sound.
“Are you alone?” I hated that my reply was negative, but I answered truthfully nonetheless.
“Is he asleep?”
“Yes. I am in the living room watching the stars.” I almost whispered.
“Okay.” I heard some rustling as if he was getting out of bed, footsteps followed, and then some more rustling. “I will put you on speakerphone. Just so that you know if the sound is different.” And then I heard the first chords of a song I wasn’t familiar with. Like a soothing blanket, it washed over me. There were no words, just music played; and it was for my ears only. The sounds alleviated some of the chills from my body, and I grabbed a blanket from the couch to wrap myself in it. I nestled deep in the blanket and yawned. I was tired; it surprised me how much so. I yawned noisily again.
“Sleep tight, baby girl. I will always be there for you.” I smiled. Maybe I had found someone safe, but the thought became frayed as the music faded, and I drifted off to a dreamless sleep again. Maybe tomorrow, I would remember those words, or maybe they became a part of a distant memory too.

The first letter to Mr. Handsome

This is the first letter I am sending to you. Hopefully, it will not be the last bubbly and rambling letter that is coming your way.
I was floating on a cloud of me and you for most of the day. After Stranger and the hurt he caused, I thought my heart was cold and empty, barricaded. Somehow, you found a way under my skin. From there, you traveled into my soul, until you breached the walls around my heart.
And now we are here. Both bruised and hurt. So much alike that I wonder why I can’t love myself as much as I love you. Because that is what I do. It came unexpected, and I admit, I was utterly unprepared.
At first, I tried to be distant; then, I tried to appear sophisticated. Do you have any idea how much strength that took? I realised it is easier just to be me. With all my flaws. And with all my qualities. It is hard for me to be positive and to trust in myself, but you make it seem so easy. We both have a lot to figure out for ourselves. We both have issues with self-esteem. We both have pasts. But please understand that I – well, I understand. I am trying to be as little intense and as gentle as I can be. But man, everything about you is intense. And that is why I love you. I love the way I can melt into your arms and stay there for almost ever. Nothing about you is boring. You are interesting and extraordinary. We have time to get to know each other; there is no rush. Dear handsome, I want to keep floating on our cloud a little more. You have already seen glimpses of my mood. You saw me crying – I saw you too. We were angry and ready to end what had not even begun; but you are worth putting up a fight. I want you in my life. For now. Because even if I said that I don’t want this to happen, you complete me. You make me whole.

Thank you, dear handsome.

Truly yours, Sweetie

deactivated mind

Thoughts carved in stone weighing me down
Trees of souls burning in flames
Running out of ways to be myself
I lost the woman in the mirror
There should be passion and hope and lust
But I can only see void emptiness bathed in dust
Make me go away. Deactivated mind.

#tbt the person behind the screen

I am a creative exhibitionist
And I am a romantic in denial
I am a brave coward
And I am perfectly imperfect
I am hopelessly hopeful, too.

I am a taster of music
And I am a dancer in the dark
I am a silent talker
And I am a wordless writer
I am a starving mind, too.

I am easily bruised
And I am a truthful faker
I am a destroying maker
And I am a random thinker.

But above all, I am me. Cathy.

Kneeling

I am kneeling

Trying to see the sky

But the shadows conceal its beauty

Staggering through the laughing crowd

The blood is pounding in my ears

A song plays behind my eyes

I need to move, or else I will combust

My twin is laughing; my soul is weeping

And I see your thoughts

And I feel your words

I am hiding

Maybe I will find what I need while

I am on my knees.

A world away

I am sitting on my bed fearing the world spinning around me

It stops – abruptly

I look to my left and see you next to me

I breathe – heart beats

You smile and put your head on my thighs

I remember – understand

My hand combs through your hair, no words spoken

Safe – protected

I found a home in your eyes.

Sleep with me

Can you hear my heartbeat?

It is racing toward you

Yearning for your embrace

My nose is buried against your neck

It’s your presence and essence

They soothe me, saving me from my thoughts.

Your arms around me, my arms around you

Let me fall asleep inside you.