Catherine Micqu

what if everything has a reason? (new poem)

I swallowed the sun
to find some light in me
but I was blind
my eyes were closed.

and I was the only one
the last woman to hide and not be free
prisoner of my mind
decomposed.

I was waiting for the end
lost the key to my heart
I turned into stone
me versus myself – a war.

but then there was you – new friend
you kept together what fell apart
with you, I moaned and shone
I had never felt like this before.

And the sun shone through my cracks
and you held me when I fell
and you put kisses on my bruises
and rekindled my fire.

nothing was perfect, but you made me relax
but I was also scared to feel love – it was hell
was I ready to fight, or tying another silent noose?
in my head resided a liar.

I drank up your affection
and then you admitted that there was no other
and you put your lips to my wrist
I was floating on your flying floors

I was starving for your connection
hungry for whatever you had to offer
when we made love the world ceased to exist
you me. you in me. me in you. my soul seeped into yours.

dancing to the silent songs in my head

I’m pacing one step two steps
I’m dancing around
Arms above my head
I’m losing my frown.

And once I am lost
I’m losing
A heart wreathed in frost
But I continue to sing.

A scar so fresh
But my eyes are closed
Weakest flesh
Soul and mind decomposed.

This journey is not over
Piece by piece we will understand
Forever unsober
Drowning in castles built of sand.

Blown in every direction
Happy, sad, joys and death
Another emotion for my collection
Gasp – I take another deep breath.

To some, I appear mad
I wake up panting
Arms raised above my head,
Two bodies dancing.

sing me to sleep (flash fiction)

I woke up and looked around myself. I had that dream again. The dream in which I saw my mother get on the bus and leave me behind. Except, it wasn’t a dream; it was a memory that haunted me.
I was a grown-up, doing what grown-ups do. I worked forty hours every week – sometimes more. I met friends, went for drinks or dinner with them. Occasionally, I fell in love. More often, I craved the physical connection. A physical connection was easy to find, love – not so much.
Someone was stirring next to me, and I couldn’t remember his name. I should have felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t. Waking up next to someone I didn’t know was not uncommon for me. I would not rely on him to distract me from my childhood memories. I didn’t trust him. He didn’t feel like protection or safety; the nameless man next to me was only another warm body to make me forget the longing and the emptiness that spread through my body like cancer. The older I got, the more cells were infected. “Go back to sleep, honey,” his gravelly voice mumbled. I snorted. It were the exact same words my mother had said before the doors of the bus closed behind her. Or was it my imagination playing tricks on me?
I pushed the duvet off my body and let my feet connect with the hardwood floor. I needed something real, something that earthed me. Goosebumps rose on my naked skin. I couldn’t say if it was the lingering memory of the reoccurring dream, or if it was the chill from the starry night sneaking in through the opened window. I decided that it didn’t matter. There were so many little thoughts every day, and most of them didn’t matter. Once in a while, I felt as if I didn’t matter either. My weekdays were filled with responsibilities, work, and duties. There was no room for anything else. My weekends were wasted with alcohol and casual affairs. I didn’t allow my mind to come to terms with old wounds. But the mind and the soul knew that I needed to take better care of myself; hence the dreams.
I was afraid to be abandoned and to be left behind. It was easier to keep everyone at arm’s length. It was more comfortable to pretend that I was happy. In truth, I had no idea what happiness felt like. And maybe my expectations were too high? All my life, I had been searching for love, for a person who made me feel safe. Perhaps I was just blind?
I took my phone from the nightstand, and the illuminated display showed the loneliness of my life. A couple of shallow notification that I wasn’t interested in; I pushed them away.
I padded down to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and splash some water in my face, then I took my robe from the hook attached at the door and pulled it around me. I didn’t want to go back to the stranger in my bed, but I didn’t want to wake him up and throw him out in the middle of the night either. In the living room, I sat down in my favourite chair next to the window. I could see the sparkling dots on the dark firmament.
“Are you there?” I sent a message to the person who meant more than most to me. I didn’t expect a response; I just wanted to make sure that he would think of me when he woke up. I was about to put the phone down when it vibratedbin my hand. My heart went like mad, but I accepted the call anyway.
“Why are you still up? Bad dream?” He didn’t waste any time; he knew me too well. I nodded my head and added an affirmative sound.
“Are you alone?” I hated that my reply was negative, but I answered truthfully nonetheless.
“Is he asleep?”
“Yes. I am in the living room watching the stars.” I almost whispered.
“Okay.” I heard some rustling as if he was getting out of bed, footsteps followed, and then some more rustling. “I will put you on speakerphone. Just so that you know if the sound is different.” And then I heard the first chords of a song I wasn’t familiar with. Like a soothing blanket, it washed over me. There were no words, just music played; and it was for my ears only. The sounds alleviated some of the chills from my body, and I grabbed a blanket from the couch to wrap myself in it. I nestled deep in the blanket and yawned. I was tired; it surprised me how much so. I yawned noisily again.
“Sleep tight, baby girl. I will always be there for you.” I smiled. Maybe I had found someone safe, but the thought became frayed as the music faded, and I drifted off to a dreamless sleep again. Maybe tomorrow, I would remember those words, or maybe they became a part of a distant memory too.

The first letter to Mr. Handsome

This is the first letter I am sending to you. Hopefully, it will not be the last bubbly and rambling letter that is coming your way.
I was floating on a cloud of me and you for most of the day. After Stranger and the hurt he caused, I thought my heart was cold and empty, barricaded. Somehow, you found a way under my skin. From there, you traveled into my soul, until you breached the walls around my heart.
And now we are here. Both bruised and hurt. So much alike that I wonder why I can’t love myself as much as I love you. Because that is what I do. It came unexpected, and I admit, I was utterly unprepared.
At first, I tried to be distant; then, I tried to appear sophisticated. Do you have any idea how much strength that took? I realised it is easier just to be me. With all my flaws. And with all my qualities. It is hard for me to be positive and to trust in myself, but you make it seem so easy. We both have a lot to figure out for ourselves. We both have issues with self-esteem. We both have pasts. But please understand that I – well, I understand. I am trying to be as little intense and as gentle as I can be. But man, everything about you is intense. And that is why I love you. I love the way I can melt into your arms and stay there for almost ever. Nothing about you is boring. You are interesting and extraordinary. We have time to get to know each other; there is no rush. Dear handsome, I want to keep floating on our cloud a little more. You have already seen glimpses of my mood. You saw me crying – I saw you too. We were angry and ready to end what had not even begun; but you are worth putting up a fight. I want you in my life. For now. Because even if I said that I don’t want this to happen, you complete me. You make me whole.

Thank you, dear handsome.

Truly yours, Sweetie

Not giving up today

Living in a house without windows nor doors

Darkness as my roof, I can’t see my thoughts.

I am too small to see the sun; how will I grow?

Lenard’s crack invites some light, truth in poetry.

And I mind my mind in my mind, only seekers can find

But I am living after closing my eyes too many times.

There is music flowing through my feels, a river of nothing

An explosion of everything pushes me to you.

A hand in my hair, a love that saves me from my madness

And I guess if I move my soul into your heart, I am able to break free.

In the orange hours of the day

Cream-colored lovemaking in the morning’s orange hours
Sweat mingles drop by drop as they crawl under each other’s skin
Holding their breaths, falling deeper into the eyes of the other

Sheets of linen hide their forgotten loneliness from the cloud’s rainy showers
Undulating starving bodies that are craving the connection through original sin
The bond they share is stronger than that of ordinary lovers

They had waited a while, but finally, she becomes his to devour
She tries to escape the awe in his eyes; with a finger, he lifts her chin
He needs to see himself in her; he gasps the moment his heart becomes part of hers

They devote themselves to the lust that consumes every inch within
And while the world turns and their lives go on, the make cream-coloured love in the orange hours of the morning.

deactivated mind

Thoughts carved in stone weighing me down
Trees of souls burning in flames
Running out of ways to be myself
I lost the woman in the mirror
There should be passion and hope and lust
But I can only see void emptiness bathed in dust
Make me go away. Deactivated mind.

#tbt the person behind the screen

I am a creative exhibitionist
And I am a romantic in denial
I am a brave coward
And I am perfectly imperfect
I am hopelessly hopeful, too.

I am a taster of music
And I am a dancer in the dark
I am a silent talker
And I am a wordless writer
I am a starving mind, too.

I am easily bruised
And I am a truthful faker
I am a destroying maker
And I am a random thinker.

But above all, I am me. Cathy.

Kneeling

I am kneeling

Trying to see the sky

But the shadows conceal its beauty

Staggering through the laughing crowd

The blood is pounding in my ears

A song plays behind my eyes

I need to move, or else I will combust

My twin is laughing; my soul is weeping

And I see your thoughts

And I feel your words

I am hiding

Maybe I will find what I need while

I am on my knees.