As you know, I am pretty hard on myself all the time. I am not very nice to myself. But, you are. You never hold it against me. You are never pressuring me to write more poetry again. You never tell me to stop whining. And I thank you for that. This blog is my safe haven. And yet, I censor my posts all the time. Not too sure why though. It is what it is. I feel safe to ramble here and to let my mind wander. This is where reality and fiction merge; which means that a lot of what you can read here is fiction. A lot is reality. Which is which will never be known. Or maybe it is easy to identify, once you get to know me.
A milestone is in reach for me. Two hundred ninety-nine (299!) amazing people are following this blog — peanuts for some, mind-blowing for me. I am just a no one in this world really, and yet you all mean the world to me.
I am not obsessed with stats (anymore), but I see you see me. And I thank you. I appreciate it a lot.
I intend to keep going with the flow and write whatever wants to be written.
Again, thank you
You matter. Remember that. You matter.
The year draws to a close, and we tend to look back on what was and try to imagine what will be.
I wanted to share the above picture with you. Those are my stats on this blog since its creation. As you can see 2013 and 2014 had many views and not many visitors. During those years Jamie and I shared a lot of music, and I often sent links to my blog here. So… He is to blame for the views. He passed away in 2015. Up until the end of 2016, I did not tag my posts. And when I did, everything went up. I also wrote a lot more. As you can see 2018 is by far the best year when it comes to my writing. Ironically, I have not sold a book through the button on this site. I am not even sure if it works. But that’s okay.
I owe you a big THANK YOU.
People from 62 different countries have visited me – Catherine Micqu. You know who you are. And I know some of you too.
By the way… The top three posts were demons, heatwave, and madness is sadness.
I want to give special thanks to a handful of fellow bloggers. Nate, because you reached out when I needed it most. Your message came at the right time. Paul, because you always make me smile and I like your thoughts. Jeff, your love and dedication to music are amazing, your thoughts are deep, I appreciate that a lot. River Dixon because you are always the first to vote on whatever I share, and last but not least, Robert, because without you I wouldn’t write at all. Thank you.
No women? you ask. Well, apparently not. I just noticed this too. I went to look at my reader, and I saw that I don’t follow any blogs written by women and that are still active.
Either way, thank you all for your support and encouragement, silent or outspoken. See you on the other side. ❤
It is scary to fall apart publicly. It is even scarier to fall apart all alone. But you are not alone. And the darkness and apathy is understood and lived by many. Me included. There are these high highs and the low lows. And all I want is this: if you look at me, please see me. If you see me for the damaged person that I am, please love me. I felt from you words that you feel the same. The outside world can be perfect, but if the inside feels like a storm, the most perfect life becomes dull and blunt. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. Sometimes, all we can do is cry and let the tears wet our cheeks for seemingly no reason. And maybe, maybe it looks as if you aren’t doing anything, as if you aren’t moving. But you are doing a whole lot. You are not giving up. You are light, Nathan. You don’t see it because you are in the dark, but believe me, you are light.
On top of that, you are not missing from your life. This may not be how media or friends or whoever suggests life to be, but sometimes it is like that. Sometimes we fall apart. You are there. I can see you! And I like this vulnerable side of you. There is nothing wrong with it. Fall, Nate… we are there to catch you.
Thank you for your honesty.
I remember reading Nate’s post and falling apart too. November 2017 should have been amazing. It should have been the most precious and extraordinary month of my life. But for reasons that were not in my control, it wasn.’t. And I fell. For months I had been struggling and I had been trying to keep moving. But then came the time and I fell. And no one seemed to see it. Or maybe they did and it didn’t matter? I didn’t matter.
I was giving up. I was ready to give up my life. My poetry book “Quiet Minds” was supposed to be my final mistake and my final goodbye. But when I published that book, I felt something. I felt proud of myself. I loved that side of me – the creative/writing side. And through all the muddled thoughts, I began to see myself. Many days I am still my own worst enemy, but there are also the days when I am my biggest fan.
I am a fan of the comment I wrote and shared above. I am sure that I wasn’t sober when I wrote it, but I can assure you, my words are my truth.
It’s actually quite amazing. It’s mid 2018 and the blog has seen more views and visitors and likes than ever before.
You did this. And I thank you for that. From the bottom of my heart.
I am aware that I am a complex woman who is often writing about her hardships. It is easier to write about those than it is to write about the good.
Right now, after a couple of weeks that were really bad, things are starting to look up. Slowly. Steady. Without trying to overdo it, but since I am working even more hours now, it is not as easy as it seems.
Either way… Thank you, to the readers from all around the world, for your support. It means the world to me.
Top ten this year so far:
Even if it doesn’t seem like a lot to some, it is a lot to me.