You are a soap bubble in the sky
The red in the rising moon
You are the beauty in this life
One blink – it will be over soon.
You are a soap bubble in the sky
The red in the rising moon
You are the beauty in this life
One blink – it will be over soon.
If you are like me and prefer to have the real feel of a book, the smell, the way the pages feel under your fingers, then you might like to know that Writing Notes is available as a paperback book on Amazon.
This is the American link, but it is available Worldwide. It went live this morning, and to be honest, I don’t have my own copy yet… But don’t hesitate to get yours. Also… I know the writer, if you prefer to order a signed version. It will take a while longer to get to you, but it will be unique. Don’t hesitate to get in touch and we will figure it out together.
Much love to you,
And as my fingers tire from the constant typing, my thoughts drift to a safe place. The place that is inhabited inside of me, by you. I never hide for you, I forgot how to. It is scary to be vulnerable for someone new. But also, it is not, because this is you. There is no need to make this into something it is not, but I love you. And the longer I think about you, to more I realize that it is true.
Under my blanket
Under my skin
I promised to be careful
I promised to keep a distance
But you are making it hard
But you are making it so easy
And when I fall asleep, you are near
And when I wake up, you are near
Under my blanket
Under my skin
I have all these thoughts in my head that want out right away…
Self-Publishing on paperback is such a pain in my (extremely sexy) posterior. (Sex sells, right!?) I can remember now why I didn’t bother with my first attempts… But the prospect of holding a real book made of real paper in my hands, with my words inside and outside, with my handwriting on the cover… It makes up for the hassle. It really does. In about 72 hours my book will be available for your Kindle and next week it will be on Amazon to buy as a paperback.
Exciting times. Even more so when I think back to last week. Last week, I didn’t even think about publishing.
Once again, go buy or download this amazing book called “Writing Notes”. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/844360
One of the first reactions: “I love this. It touches the heart”
I see wonders in your eyes
I see a sunrise in your smile
My book needed some revisions. I did that and took the opportunity to add a couple of pages to it. So… if you downloaded the sample, that changed. If you downloaded the book… it changed. If you bought the book, get in touch and I will get you a free download coupon.
Writing Notes on Smashwords
With the revisions made, the book will soon be available on amazon and other online retailers. Apparently, the formatting was botched…
Thank you so much for your support.
and remember to get in touch for a free download.
Thank you stranger for buying the first copy of Writing Notes off Smashwords. Soon, Writing Notes will be available in different other online stores. I will keep you updated about that.
Thank you all for your support. Often, I don’t feel good enough for this. But I am.
Also… Like a very special friend pointed out, I am a professional writer now, thanks to being paid. Exciting times.
So… Today I did something quite impulsive… I published a book. It is pay what you want and if you are a regular reader you might have seen this or that entry before. But… I would love it if you took a look. The book is pay what you want. If you can, give a little change, if you don’t, please just share the book with your friends.
I am excited and freaking out at the same time.
Here are the links.
Catherine Micqu’s Smashwords Author Profile: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/micqu
PS: it’s National Day in Luxembourg. We are celebrating our Grand-Duke’s birthday.
I’ve been on this road for many years
Trying to forget all those tears.
And in the deepest low
Behind the darkest glow,
Hope was always hiding
A light was always shining.
I’ve been on this road, walking endless miles
Ignoring the past’s echoes and its cries.
And as I stopped and sat down
It took me a moment to understand that there were new friends in town.
My restless travels and my frantic searching were in vain
This was where I wanted to be stayin’.
I’ve been down that road so many times
Creating stories and words in my minds.
And in the shining sun
When I felt like I needed to run,
I found solace in my broken thoughts,
Tying together their fraying knots.
But this is not the end of the road,
This traveler’s pace has just been slowed.
Soaking in the beautiful landscape
Even the one that was manmade.
Just resting my weary eyes
And listening to the path the soul takes when it flies…
Right now, I belong to you. Every part of me is a piece of you.
It’s me. I am purple and blue. Time to trim those eyebrows a bit, lol
It’s cold and I wrap my cardigan closer around my shivering form. Still, I don’t want to turn around and walk back home. I enjoy the peaceful quiet and loneliness that surrounds me. The wind blows, almost cutting my skin. I feel the cold sand sticking to the soles of my bare feet.
Nobody is at the beach. The sky looks grey, almost black and I know, that in a few minutes, it will open up and soak me in cold rain. I stop and turn to look out over the vast ocean. The waves are nothing more than white lines that crash eventually. The ocean looks threateningly big and violent, and once again, I feel small. Very small. Insignificant. Around me, everything seem to be big and meaningful. Me, I am a grain of sand. Not important at all. The realization hits me hard, making my eyes sting with unshed tears. I pretend, that it is the chilly air, but I know that I am lying to myself. It is not the first time that I am doing this.
He is back again. His voice in my head is back. Torturing me. Making my life hell.
There are days, when everything seems pointless to me. Every battle is lost, and I feel obsolete.
The lines between reality and the torment in my head blur, and I wonder how it would feel to drown. Not that I have any intention to walk towards the freezing swallowing ocean, but I wonder.
There are days, when I long to feel the serenity some people find at the beach. Finding inner peace and being able to keep that feeling inside, and letting go of everything else seems easy for many people. But not me. No, not for me. Nothing else matters anymore.
There are days, when it would be so much easier to simply give up. Listening to the voices in my head, obeying them, and fading away from the face of earth. Who would care anyway?
I shake my head, trying to make these thoughts stop from building toxic roots in my mind. Getting rid of that awful voice that is trying to pull me under proves to be impossible. I don’t want this. But it is stronger than me. He is stronger. A hole I fall in from time to time, orchestrated by his words. Manipulating me like a puppet on a string. Sometimes, it is so deep that there is almost no way to get out of the dark and lonely place again. Sometimes it’s not deep at all and the right scent, the right words, and the right notes can make me see the light again.
I struggle. An inner war is raging inside of me, when all I want to do is to strive for inner peace. It looks so easy for some. For me it’s a constant struggle.
The rain starts to fall. In a matter of minutes, I am soaked to the bone and frozen to the core of myself. I know, that I should move and go home. I know that I should put on my socks and shoes. But I can’t. I cannot move. Paralyzed. Something is holding me back. My hands fall down at my sides and I feel my shoulders slump. My head bends down and I fall down to my knees. My soaked cardigan is heavy on my skin. Pulling me down with an invisible, yet invincible weight on my shoulders. I bury my face in my hands. Accepting my defeat. Shivering in the cold, with my long wet hair pasted to my face. I cannot go on. I cannot keep fighting myself. I have to give in. I cave.
I give up.
For the first time in a long while, I am willing to give up and give in.
“Take me with you!” I yell into the cold and empty space. It is the last surge of energy before my inner self combusts. My heart burns with the emptiness inside. Ashes, are all that will be left within when all this is done.
I cower on the beach. Lonely and alone. Painfully aware of all of my flaws. Painfully aware, of the hole that is swallowing me. Too tired to fight. And why should I fight anyway? He doesn’t let me fight.
What is there left fighting for anyway?
This place holds no shelter for me anymore. I want to fade away and vanish. Too jaded to go on. Too hollow.
It’s like I am in a trance.
I hear a noise and startle. Thunder and lightening are keeping me company. I wake up from my trance, and see where I am; realize what I am doing. I’m trembling from the cold, and from the shock of my train of thoughts. A heavy smile creeps up on my face. She is here to save me.
It’s always like that.
Two personalities are residing inside of me. Fighting to get the reigns over me. One of them is overly optimistic, always positive and supportive. Always honest and chatty. The other one is a suicidal pessimist. One day, he is going to win. One day, she will not be there and win the internal battle at the last minute. I know it. It scares me. I know that he is stronger.
I get up and the sky clears up too. No more rain. The wind calms down. I am dripping wet. Sand is sticking to my clothes. But I survived the storm.
Finally, I move. I move towards home. Wherever that is.
“Home is were you hang yourself…
…some pictures on the wall”
I enter my home. It’s empty. Almost no furniture. No voices. Nothing. I can’t stand the quiet and so, my first move is to turn on the music. Loud. To drown out the last of his thoughts. The hardwood floor is wet from my clothes and I shed them. Struggling to get the wet cloths from my freezing skin.
I take a shower to wash away the morning and the cold. But his voice is persisting today. He wants to see me perished.
In the back, I hear her voice. She’s screaming loudly.
“This too shall pass.” I nod my head. She is right. Maybe. I sigh into the foggy steamed bathroom mirror. It’s going to be a long week. It’s going to be a daily fight. I wish I could hibernate. Let them fight it out and whoever wins can take over my body. Whoever wins gets to do whatever they want with me.
“Fight. You’re strong. Don’t let that bastard get to you.” Some days, I am a fighter.
“Give up. You can’t win anyway. I am stronger and you know it.” Some days, I submit and lose the battle in my head.
(Originally written in May 2014, slightly edited today.)
Waiting for you to wake up.
Your eyes are opened wide, but you can’t see.
I don’t know how to unlove you.
They don’t see what I can’t tell, they can’t understand that I am not well.
Everything is perfectly fine, apart from me and my mind.
Another morning filled with silent tears, this is the worst in years.
I can’t go on and I can’t give up, but I need to make this stop.
It’s crippling me, breaking me into pieces; the overwhelmed feeling increases.
I know they love me, they see me, but even their love can’t free me.
How can they see what I don’t tell, and that I am living in my personal hell?
I dread the moment when i lose my strength and cave. Until now, I have been brave. For now, I safe. Please, keep me safe?
I love dancing in the rain. Or just standing there and letting it soak my clothes until the raindrops run down my skin in rivulets. It makes me happy.
My children don’t understand it. My husband scolds me every time I let my head fall down in my neck and close my eyes, enjoying the clouds showering me. What’s not to love about the rain?
Also, rain is sensual as fuck.
This is where I have been dancing. 🙂
Not sorry about the cursing. It’s part of me.
If my sun isn’t rising, it is because the flames in my soul are burning my sins.
I dream awake and try to find answers that are tattooed under my skin.
And every time the rain hides my tears, there is an explosion within.
Without asking, you took myself away from me, and I don’t know where I’ve been.
Redeem my sins. Tattoo your love on my skin, and spark explosions within. Tell me where you’ve been. I am waiting for you to say somethin’.
Millions of thoughts, but I cannot put them in order.
And the birds are singing
And the sun is rising
And I am not asleep.
Two hours is not enough. Not after a day like yesterday, but it is exactly because of yesterday that I cannot sleep.
Sing me to sleep.
I spent more than 14 hours at work today. I was there at 7:30am and got home at around 10pm. From a professional point of view, my day was a success. I have been told many times that the kids love me – we had a party with the parents tonight, and had the opportunity to talk with many parents in a relaxed mood we had created at the nursery. I worked my ass off today, not sitting still and getting things done. (Even ripping my favourite jeans.) I was brave and smiled and made small-talk. A busy bee with a smile for every parent and every child.
The other part of me, the one I hid, was the part of me that was on the constant verge of crying. I wrote two posts this morning and was in a good mood, until suddenly I wasn’t anymore. And I don’t know what triggered it. I cried before I left the house this morning. And my mood did not improve. It was a challenge to be social today. But I think I did a good job hiding my inner turmoil.
I am tired. Not only from work, but from everything. I haven’t eaten properly in two weeks. I have some kind of stomach bug that won’t go away. I cannot eat any proper food without getting sick. It’s exhausting. I am living off soup and tea these days. It is annoying and I am constantly thinking of food. But I don’t dare eating out of fear to be sick again. It is a vicious circle. I don’t feel sick, but I can’t eat. (I lost 3kg… Lol… But as soon as I start eating again I will gain 6kg, lol)
I want to be a good person. I am a good person. But there is that voice in my head that keeps telling me that I am toxic. It tells me that I am a burden, and that it’s easier to ignore me than to be with me. And I hate that voice. I know it is wrong, but I cannot stop these thoughts. And because I am aware of this, it makes it even harder to believe that anyone should like me. Why should anyone like me?
Why should anyone read these posts? Why should anyone care about someone like me?
On a good day, I would say “because I am loveable. Because I am worth it.”
Today, I say “I don’t know. I can’t see a way out.”
Once again, I am writing impulsively. I cannot help it. It is who I am.
My thoughts run in circles. It could be so easy, but my damaged mind makes it so hard to be some times. And being is all there is.
Tell me to breath. Remind me to keep breathing.
Underneath the surface of my soul hides a raging silence. One that becomes louder with every scream. One that haunts me in my sleep.
Underneath the surface of my soul lie many hidden emotions. Those that are never far from being voiced. Those that bubble up until they become an explosion.
Underneath the surface of my soul lives a ghost. One that will never see light, yet never succumbs to darkness either.
Underneath the surface of my soul are rotting lost hopes. Those that make me have regrets. Those that pull me down and make me drown.
Underneath the surface of my soul a whisper is repeated. One that says ‘I’m still in love with you’. One that says ‘I’m still loving you’.
Underneath the surface of my soul are blooming fragile bonds. Those that will last forever, even when they are broken. Those that constrict my heart with their beautiful intensity.
Underneath the surface of my soul is a place for you. One that will always stay yours. One that will never fade – even when it is invisible.
Today’s creative output comes with the support of the music of Our Ceasing Voice and their album “Free Like Tonight”.
I am 35. I feel old today. But I also feel young. I received an invite to a school reunion. I was 12 when I saw most of these people for the last time. Now I look at their pictures and some look old, and I look like me. Do I look old for them too? I don’t feel like 35. How is one supposed to feel at this or that age? I have no idea. But. And this is important. I am happy and I am very comfortable in my skin these days. A fact that is not always true. Right now it is. Don’t worry, I am not in a midlife crisis even though I am repeating my age. I just like the sound of it. 35.
The pic was taken today. I dressed up and straightened my hair for work this morning. I was filmed. Hey… I never said that I am not vain.
Enough space take with nonsense. I wouldn’t share the pic if I didn’t like it.
(Unedited… I will get to that later…)
I write because I can and because I have to. It is my therapy. Often, I write impulsively, so that you only see a momentary glimpse into my internal landscapes. I am happy with the people who are currently in my life. I am worth way more than I allow myself to be and I am grateful that they see it too. They love every inch of me. They accept every part of baggage on my back and in my soul. And I love them just the way they are. Flaws and all. That is how it should be. That is what gives me the strength to let go of old weight on my shoulders. I am happy that I am still here… As I mentioned before, I don’t take rejection very well. And I take it even worse when it comes from someone I adore. It almost ended badly. But, I am still here. Strong. Confident. With my ups and downs. The best version of me yet.
Written impulsively too.