Meh- day

First, let me apologise.

Why? Well, hear me out. My mind is a complex thing, and I would lie if I said that I understand the weirdness within.

Anyway.

It was a meh-day. I was productive enough, even though I had a slow start. I slept in. A luxury, considering I am a 38 year old with kids. But the husband sent the kids off to school, he went to work, and I was left on my own. Last Monday, I began a new routine. For my shoulder, mainly, but also now, I am too proud to give in. I mean, this week. I am too proud to give up this week. Every day, I spend 10 minutes on the WaterRower the husband bought but only used once, and I spend 10 minutes doing the exercised my physiotherapist taught me. (Just for reference, I had surgery for my shoulder in March, and I am on sick leave until the end of June, due to complications). This morning, I had a hard time getting myself to tie the laces of my sneakers and get on the torture device. But I did it. Success. I just need to remember not to think, because similar to ironing, I tend to overthink and end up angry for no reason.

Exercise done, I had no lunch, but watched reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Simultaneously, I wrote an Instagram post about my publications and completed the daily challenges of my phone games. Exciting times.

An hour later, I began thinking, “what are you doing?! No one cares. Delete! Delete!”

I did not delete it, but now I had that thought in my mind. And urgh… Stupid mind and stupid thought.

But then I thought, “well, someone cares. There are people who read and politely show that they read by clicking the like button. They care.”

It made me feel guiltier. But hey, it also made me grateful. Real and honest? I am thankful for anyone who engages with my train of thoughts from time to time. I have been doing this for a long while now, and it has never been and will never be taken for granted. It’s the little things that matter most. The ones we almost don’t do because we falsely believe that they don’t matter anyway and they will go unnoticed. They don’t. Believe me, they don’t.

Tonight, I ate way too much bad food and watched Thor with the fam – even Ollie, my 16-year-old son, watched the movie with us. The movie ended, and everyone fled the scene. I mean, if they had stayed, one of the parents could have asked them to clear the table from our empty plates and glasses. Better run.

We watched a couple of scenes from a German comedian – Torsten Sträter. We, my husband and I. I found Torsten years ago online and like him because his humour is adult and based on language. And, for me, he is sexy as fuck. Pardon my language. Husband recently discovered him after a short segment in a different late-night show where Torsten openly talked about his depression, his burnout, and all that. My husband recognised me in some things that were said, and he recognised himself too. And I think ever since we are watching that guy together, the understanding between us shifted.

Honestly, I don’t like watching any comedy with people around. I am too fast to catch up on irony or jokes made with words. Most people aren’t. And that leaves me laughing while people around are still processing what was said. It makes me look weird. I shouldn’t care, but I laugh pretty loud, and I don’t want to be annoying.

Even later tonight, I noticed that my arm and biceps hurt again. Maybe I should not have carried a bag with groceries. But, I mean, I have been “working out” this week; why can’t I lift stuff? Hmmm… Maybe, because my doctor told me last Monday that I can’t return to work in a week but have to stay home for longer?! That could be it.

Either way, the day was… It’s just that feeling. The feeling when you are waiting for someone who is not coming. The feeling when you think that something is not right. And I really really don’t want to add to any online negativity anymore. There are people on Twitter who are constantly complaining. Complaining doesn’t change the situation though, actions do.

Actions do… That is something I learned from experience.

Be kind. Goodnight. And if I didn’t make much sense, I apologise, I just let my fingers float and did not censor my jumbled mind.

Lots of love from me to you. ❤💜❤💜

Advertising Space

The following is a post I just shared on IG 💜❤💜❤💜

It’s Friday (I think). Let me tickle your memory for a moment. I am an author who published 5 books since 2018. And they are all ready to be devoured by your hungry minds. There are two options to get your hands on a copy of these masterpieces. Either on Amazon as paperback and ebook or from my blog (link in bio). If you buy your paperback from the blog, you can pay via PayPal, and your copy will be signed with a handwritten note from yours truly.
Every word in these books was written by me. And every cover picture was taken by me too. It’s a complete solo project, created with lots of passion and love. Never perfect, but always real. A lot like me.

Out of the Dark and Into the Light: a poetry collection. It’s a mostly fictitious journey through the year 2020.

A Life in Frames: short stories and flash fiction. In this book, I am trying to showcase my writing style.

Heart of Stone: a romantic novel

Drowning in a Sea of voices: a poetry collection

Unquiet Minds: a poetry collection. This was the first time I ever wrote my real name under my writing and I was a nervous wreck when I published it.

AtoZ 2021

It’s the last day of April, which means that this year’s AtoZ challenge is done.

This year, I tried to write a small piece using the letter of the day as much as possible. Some days, it was easier than others. On top of that and because I like music, I tried adding bands/artists and songs starting with the same letter too. Needless to say that I couldn’t hold that up until the end, but I tried and it was a lot of fun.

All my AtoZ 2021 entries can be found here: https://micqu.wordpress.com/category/a-to-z-2021/

I wish all the best. Have a good Friday and a nice weekend.

Cathy

AtoZ 2021 – Z

Ze last of ze challenge. Zis went by quick. Does zis look and sound weird? I couldn’t come up with any good words with z. I guess, this means I fail? Hmmm…

Zalagasper – Sebi

(This is a Slovenian duo and they performed the above song on the European Song Contest in 2019)

Throwback Poem

And my feathers were pulled from my wings “I am not well,” I thought the moment I was drawn into the wind
I was bleeding and crying and hurting and writhing in pain
But my saviour was gone. Discarded. Alone. Going insane.
I fell into the darkest, deepest waves
Lost all strength and will to be brave.
Breaking. Broken. Understanding still,
I lost my ability to fly – and once again, I bowed down to your will.
There was no way to come back from this despair
Love, it seems, is never fair.
And I wanted to yell and to beg for you to come back,
Until I realised, it doesn’t matter. I was damaged goods. A wreck.
No one will ever see the shining beauty I once was
Destroyed by too many lost battles. Covered in scars.
My feathers rained down on you and filled the ocean
And once again, I died in an explosion of emotion.

(2019. One of my better pieces, I believe)

AtoZ 2021 – Y

You know, I mentioned you twice during this challenge. You? Who is “you”? “You” is Jamie in this case. Jamie who fought leukemia, Jamie who was my best friend. Jamie passed away in 2015, newlywed and barely 33. Jamie who was accused of having catfished an entire community. Jamie, who was my best friend. Who found a way through all of my walls and barriers – easily. Was Jamie real? I don’t care. Some say he was a woman who pretended to be his cousin. I really do not care. Jamie was my confidante. I told him everything, and he shared a lot about himself too. Jamie was a young gay man from Manchester. He loved indie music and Kylie and Erasure and Adam Lambert, and Pink Floyd and Todd Rundgren, and the song I share below. I shared a Velvet Revolver song recently, I shared it with Jamie in mind too. How many times did we watch that clip and comment on Scott Weiland’s very low slung leather pants?! How many times did be send pics of Garrett Neff, because he was his idol?! Jamie was a male model too and he married his on-off relation – Rico, from Barcelona not even a year before he passed away. Jamie had a soundcloud account because he loved to share the music he loved, and he also published a book about his experience as a male model. Jamie was unique. He was talented. Had a beautiful soul. He was my friend. And fuck, I miss Jamie every day. And in the end, I don’t even care if Jamie was really his cousin or if Jamie was real. He was like a brother to me. I wish he were still here. Jamie died in July 2015. Too young to die old.

Young Guns – I want out

The moon watches your sleep

The pale moon is tickling your every sleeping thought, kissing your eyes with dreams you once feared you forgot. Just one more touch that feels like the nimble fingers of a guitarist caressing his instrument. Just one more breathy kiss that keeps you alive through your life’s winter memories. Just one more… but the moon wakes up, and after a while, so do you.

Delete & repeat

Picture of me

I tend to delete pictures off IG. Most importantly, when they are more private or if my face is on them. I post them, leave them up for a couple of hours and then I feel stupid that I thought I was important enough to share my private stuff.

I mentioned it before, but in some ways, it always feels different on here. And, let’s be honest, I am not sharing my face here all that much either.

Anyway… Here is the caption I wrote under the pic:

This is an adhesive capsulitis 5 weeks after an acromioplasty, biceps tendonesis, and subacromial decompression. All these beautiful words just mean that some bone was shaved away, my biceps was moved and reattached to a different place, and some room was made for the ligaments to move easier. And now I am in pain again because of a threatening frozen shoulder because my shoulder capsule is inflamed. As you can see, there is nothing to see from the outside apart from three tiny scars. Two on the front of the shoulder and one on the back.
The doctor prescribed eight more weeks to recovery and more physiotherapy.

And I feel like it is one of those days when a song from the past feels like a comforting blanket.

Moonlight and Citylight (or village lights…)
Taken tonight.