Tired or mid-life-crisis (written by CT)


I am so tired of all of this

and I am scared to become someone I don’t want to be


I am so tired to pretend to be happy

wear a mask all the time.


You are strong they say

but I’m not and I know it.


I am not perfect

and I don’t want to be


I am so tired to be who I am

but I can’t muster the strength to change

I changed so much already


why can’t I just get happy?

Is it to late to get a life


I want to break out

leave all this behind


I feel trapped




when everybody tells me how lucky I am

I can’t see it


maybe I’m too selfish

I feel so old and tired inside

outside I am young and keeping up walls and masks


That woman staring at me through the mirror – that’s not me


I want to kick and scream

but it wouldn’t change a thing anyway


I am tired of my moods and of my low self-esteem

I know my flaws, I know them very-well

it should be a perfect day to make dreams come true

but now it is too late


I am caged and I can’t fly

real life is too interfering

there are to much responsibilities


I need someone to kiss me all good

and today’s a day I miss my old life


I miss the woman that I could be


hiding behind my wall

cowering in the far corner of my mind

not daring to take a quick look at reality


I’m falling back into my old patterns

not speaking, just swallowing


I know where this all will lead

when does it stop??


I am too tired to think

too tired to write

not tired enough to sleep

I know the fault lies with me


maybe it’s just an early mid-life-crisis?!


me by CT

and as the thin silver metal blade of the knife slowly cuts into my pale skin to release drops of red blood
I am reminded, that
only I can make myself suffer
only I can feel my feelings
only I can think my thoughts
only I can fear my fears
only I can cry my tears

the crimson red liquid finds it’s way to freedom through the thin cut line
I breathe
I relax

only I can hurt myself
only I can bleed my blood

why do others make me suffer?
why do others make me feel this way?
why do others make me think those thoughts?
why do others make me cry those tears?

guilt makes me hurt myself
guilt makes me bleed

and I realize, this is my life to live
this is… ME!


Little girl (by CT for ILL?)

Little girl felt so alone
like a hidden stone
nobody to hold her tight
noody to stand up for her rights

cry, cry little girl
there’s always a place to hide
try, try little girl
there’s always a place to hide

little girl had ups and downs
sometimes felt like a circus clown
little girl wished herself into paradise
hoped that somebody would recognize
this little girl was worth to be loved

cry, cry little girl
there’s always a place to hide
try, try little girl
there’s always a place to hide

come out my little girl
and shine like a star


right here by my side (by CT)

shots in the air
panic strikes
blood streams out of wounds
tears fall from eyes

green eyes meet brown eyes
yours meet mine
hand touches an arm
your hand, my arm

You are here
at last I meet you
the man of my dreams
I don’t know if you’re real or not
but you feel good on me

misery and sorrow all around us
I forget it all,
I don’t care anymore
you are right here, beside me

I feel safe

the sky starts to cry
soaking us through and through
but I can’t care
I can’t move

you’re voice is soothing
I can’t let you go, you say
my eyes are heavy with sleep
I am tired
you have to let me go, I whisper

breathing ecomes harder
you’re still right beside me
your hands are on my shoulders
and I hear you begging and crying

I smile
you look beautiful
I feel serene
you look sad
I have to find my way back home
tears stream down your face

I feel loved
I feel
and I’m gone
my body and soul part

you’re right beside me
I can see you holding my body
but I can’t feel you
I see blood on your hands
it’s mine, or so it appears

I see you falling
and you lay down beside me
I see life slipping out of your body

we are standing next to each other
you are right here with me
together at last
forgetting the past

and as we watch the chaos beneath us
you take my hand
your touch feels heavenly
you are mine, I am yours in eternity


run baby, run written (by CT for ILL?)

look, what have you done?
what have you become?
another place
another face

is that all you want?
my baby run, baby run

somebody else is taking control
he is destroying you
another place
another face

is that all you can get?
my baby run, baby run

don’t look back now
the past is long gone anyway
you’re captivated in a new web
all this without a claim
another place
another face

is it your only choice?
my baby run, baby run

there’s nothing left to lose
so baby run, my baby run.


These Feelings (written by CT for ILL?)


When I walk into a crowed room
no one can see me

When I talk to unknown people
no one can hear me

Screaming and crying in my own litte world
can’t take this pain anymore

No one, cares about these feelings
No one, cares about my feelings

I try my best to stay strong
but I ain’t easy

With these wounds on my soul
why can’t you see that I need you?!