(Sorry that I shouted at you)

I have NEVER been at a concert like this. I am mind-blown. It’s… I can’t find words for all the emotions that are flooding my system.

Okay. The location. It was a bar. plain and simple. a stage was build with Maximilian’s piano and Felix’s guitars at the far end.

we come in twenty minutes before the show was set to start. we sit at a table and I look to my left and there is Felix. what a gorgeous man. he was eating a meal, enjoying a glass of wine. I knew who he was, but I was too shy to talk to him. (later I wasn’t shy anymore… and no, I didn’t drink 🙂  )

the bar fills slowly, very slowly until there are +/- 40 people (later we counted how many we were). 30minutes after schedule, Felix and Maximilian walk through the ‘crowd’ and on to the stage.

from where I sat, I couldn’t see Maximilian, but hearing was enough to touch me. BUT Felix… wow, he really threw me of my chair. he has such a range of voice and he is such a small man. where does he get his voice from? I fell in love today…

the music was perfect. emotional. the location was intimate. the audience was reserved.

mid-concert Felix left the stage for Maximilian to take over himself. he sang one song and another one and at the third he messed up. he stopped playing, stopped singing and since I didn’t see him, I could only hear his heavy breathing. It was as if he was crying. I would have loved to jump up and take him in my arms. tell him that everything was alright. he tried again and again until he finally stumbled through the song.

after that, he got up and read a chapter of his book ‘the rise and fall of Maximilian Hecker’ and you could see tension slip from his body again. he seems so shy and unsure for someone who does this for almost 15years.

Felix rejoins Maxi on stage again. he comes into the bar and he sings, without a microphone, he sings while walking ‘through the crowd’ (past the people sitting, watching and waiting) it was amazing. then he sings a song that was originally meant for Robbie Williams, who didn’t like the song. It was way too complicated for Robbie to sing anyway 😉 . I can tell you that. and it was perfect for Felix.

another 3 songs and it’s already the end. they play 3 encores and after that, Felix leaves the stage to set up a merch stand, Maximilian sings the song he messed up earlier again. he seems to be a perfectionist.

the lights come on and Maximilian runs out of the bar. he runs and doesn’t come back for 15min, while Felix is selling Maxi’s CDs, book, vinyls… it was strange.

We walk up to Felix too, my friend to buy a CD and I to get my ticket signed. (Felix signed with a dedication *swoon*) we talked a little (yes, me and my friend, we were the last ones in line) about languages and music and I asked him if he had a professional vocal training, which he denied. and he asks if I thought that because he sounds like and angel. (yes he does, but he must get that a lot) but it was more the range he has, from deep to very high, almost opera that was inspiring. he laughed shyly and thanked me.

next, we went to Maximilian to get our things signed. I said to him that he played a real good concert even with the slip-ups. he looks me straight in the eye and starts to stammer. what slip-up did you mean? the big one or the smaller ones. I said the big one, the smaller ones we could simply forget. I told him that I didn’t see him from where I sat and that it sounded like he was crying and the moment it left my mouth I cursed myself. but he still talked and I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. it was really awkward. a real foot-in-mouth moment. It reminded me that I better keep my mouth shut when nervous… Did I really just tell Maximilian Hecker, that I think he is a crybaby?! NOOOOOO!! that wasn’t my intention.

my friend made fun of me, that I broke poor Maximilian Hecker. I was joking. wasn’t he? insecurities? where are you tonight? oh- there you are! I missed you! NOT!

at home I started my laptop and went to twitter. I follow him, he follows me too, he follows most of his followers. I send him a DM, apologizing and reassuring him, that it was a very very good gig. 5min later I have a reply: thank you so much for your kind words. love, Maximilian
(loose translation)

now, I can sleep in peace. If he is really that shy and insecure, than I made his day. I am sure of that. he plays a not-so-great concert, with 36 people (we counted them) and I slap him like that. I am a bad person. at least he accepted my apologies. I can’t believe that I said that to him. You sounded like you were crying… please earth, swallow me whole. or turn back time so that I can undo that moment.


I am SORRY Maximilian. (and if you ever come across this post, please let me know… there are many ways to contact me, some of them are listed at the ‘about’ page and the other possibility would be facebook. (provided you still have our messages)

go see those gifted men. they are passionate, they are fun and they know what they do. WOW! 🙂

good night and read you later

give me your hand

give me your hand (written by micqu)


give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll catch you when you fall


I’ll never let you down

I’ll never run from you

I’ll never give up on you


give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll protect you from your demons


I’ll never let them in

I’ll never make you cry

I’ll never let go of your hand


give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll stay at your side


gone (written by micqu)


why can’t you come back?

you left me in a dark hole

scars haven’t closed the wounds and hurt you left behind

there is no peace yet

I know, time will heal my sorrow


but for now, you’re gone




the pain lingers

I need you

I’m useless without you

come back?


I tried to survive

and I tried

and I tried

and I failed

What right do I have? (song/poem)

What right do I have?  (written by micqu)


I’ve got no right to be here

there were times I was alright

and there were times I was a mess

and now the fog clouding my thoughts won’t clear


all those questions

and not one single answer


I’ve got no right to feel this way

there were times life was worse

and there were times life was sublime

and now the fog clouding my thoughts makes me sway


all those questions

and not one single answer


I’ve got no right to bottle this up

there were times I was happy

and there were times I was sad

and now the fog clouding my thoughts won’t let me cope


all those questions

and not one single answer


I’ve got no right to cry

there were times people died

there were times children were born

and now the fog clouding my thoughts makes me want to hide.



song for my dad

song for my dad (written by CT)

you are so close but too far

you are always on my mind

you are a part of me

and I am a part of you

same blood, same flesh

very different people

you are so close, yet too far

you’re like a stranger from another star

this song is for you – dad

I missed you so many times

now I know that there is no room

for me, in your life

there’s no place for me

I am a part of you

you are a part of me

same blood, same flesh

too different to hold on to this pain




she walked into the Café with

a tear in her eye but

a smile on her lips

the waiter poured some coffee

and she looked over at me


he sat there

reading a magazine

looking effeminate

he ordered some coffee

and he looked over at me


I am not from Mars

I am not special

I am not beautiful

I am not merciful

you don’t need to pity me

you don’t need to look at me


she stared at the lipstick marks

on her coffee-cup

and thought about a song

the waiter handed her the bill

she paid, left and took a pill


he stared at the lipstick marks

on her coffee-cup

and he thought about a pick-up line

the waiter handed him the bill

he paid, left and realized it was

time to kill


I am not from here

I am not living in fear

I am the one who ends your life

No need to worry, I will be quick

I don’t pity you


Look at me!

I am the last face you’ll ever see


I am your killer


Angel of a human kind (written by CT)


flying high in the sky

with your wings spread wide


feeling free like a bird

in the wind


nothing to put you

in chains


different breeds

are flying with you


the higher you fly

the lighter you feel


your mind escapes

your body


for the first time in a long, long time you feel real inner peace


you wish to never go back

never put your feet

back on the ground


and you stay


you fly with your wings spread wide


peaceful and serene


Tired or mid-life-crisis (written by CT)


I am so tired of all of this

and I am scared to become someone I don’t want to be


I am so tired to pretend to be happy

wear a mask all the time.


You are strong they say

but I’m not and I know it.


I am not perfect

and I don’t want to be


I am so tired to be who I am

but I can’t muster the strength to change

I changed so much already


why can’t I just get happy?

Is it to late to get a life


I want to break out

leave all this behind


I feel trapped




when everybody tells me how lucky I am

I can’t see it


maybe I’m too selfish

I feel so old and tired inside

outside I am young and keeping up walls and masks


That woman staring at me through the mirror – that’s not me


I want to kick and scream

but it wouldn’t change a thing anyway


I am tired of my moods and of my low self-esteem

I know my flaws, I know them very-well

it should be a perfect day to make dreams come true

but now it is too late


I am caged and I can’t fly

real life is too interfering

there are to much responsibilities


I need someone to kiss me all good

and today’s a day I miss my old life


I miss the woman that I could be


hiding behind my wall

cowering in the far corner of my mind

not daring to take a quick look at reality


I’m falling back into my old patterns

not speaking, just swallowing


I know where this all will lead

when does it stop??


I am too tired to think

too tired to write

not tired enough to sleep

I know the fault lies with me


maybe it’s just an early mid-life-crisis?!


me by CT

and as the thin silver metal blade of the knife slowly cuts into my pale skin to release drops of red blood
I am reminded, that
only I can make myself suffer
only I can feel my feelings
only I can think my thoughts
only I can fear my fears
only I can cry my tears

the crimson red liquid finds it’s way to freedom through the thin cut line
I breathe
I relax

only I can hurt myself
only I can bleed my blood

why do others make me suffer?
why do others make me feel this way?
why do others make me think those thoughts?
why do others make me cry those tears?

guilt makes me hurt myself
guilt makes me bleed

and I realize, this is my life to live
this is… ME!


Little girl (by CT for ILL?)

Little girl felt so alone
like a hidden stone
nobody to hold her tight
noody to stand up for her rights

cry, cry little girl
there’s always a place to hide
try, try little girl
there’s always a place to hide

little girl had ups and downs
sometimes felt like a circus clown
little girl wished herself into paradise
hoped that somebody would recognize
this little girl was worth to be loved

cry, cry little girl
there’s always a place to hide
try, try little girl
there’s always a place to hide

come out my little girl
and shine like a star