you are different

 

I wake up feeling warm and cozy and safe. I shift a little away from you, to get more comfortable and to watch you. Carefully I disentangle myself from you and hope that I won’t wake you up. I like to watch you when you sleep. I like to watch you when you are awake too, but I have never seen you like this before and I want to memorize these moments. I want to store the peaceful look on your face away for later use. I want to remember the way the sun illuminates your skin.

The birds are singing outside the window and the blinds, that were closed in a hast the night before, now let in the first rays of the sun that bathes you in a golden light. Your chest raises rhythmically and the air leaving your slightly parted lips caresses my bare skin over and over again. I never liked the feeling of someone breathing on me, but with you it’s different. A lot of things are different with you. My fingers itch to touch the tattoos on your skin, but I am afraid that I would wake you up. It’s not time yet.

Your arm is stretched out over your head and half hidden by the pillow that supports your head, while your hands are curled into loose fists. I look at your peaceful face again. You look serene and happy, a small smile is on your lips and I wonder what you are dreaming about. Are you dreaming about me? Whatever it is, it seems to be something good. My gaze travels from your hair and eyes further down, your stubble is slowly growing into a light ginger beard. I love it and I’d like too touch it, but I don’t want to wake you, not yet, you deserve your sleep. I never had a thing for beards or ginger men, but with you, it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

You start shifting and move to your back. Your eyes are still closed and your breathing is still even, but not as deep anymore. For a moment you frown and I can see your eyes move hastily under the closed lids. I know you are fighting against the inevitable moment you’ll wake up and a groan rumbles through your body. The breathing has changed and your muscles aren’t as relaxed anymore. Any moment now, you’ll open your light blue eyes and look at me.

Your eyes are still closed, but you start stretching your limbs. The sheet moves down, revealing your strong legs. Both your arms are lifted above your head and it reminds me of something you did to me the night before. I have to grin at the memory. A memory of complete loss of control, ecstasy, satisfaction and exhaustion. You turn to your side again and you entwine your legs with mine. I never liked the feeling of hairy man legs against mine, but with you it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

With your eyes still closed, you move even closer to me. Touching as much of my body with your’s as you possibly can and finally those pale blue eyes are opened. You are awake and looking at me. The first moment, you look confused, but confusion changes to a bright smile that enlightens your entire face. You pull me closer into your arms, so that our bodies are pressed firmly together. You gently smooth back my long hair from my face and simultaneously, our lips meet for the first time today. There is no urge and no pressure to take this further. We simply lie in bed, touch each other and kiss lazily.

 

A perfect morning after a date. We live in our bubble, kissing our morning breaths away. Not talking too much. Simply being caught up in that perfect moment, enjoying the close presence of each other. I want it to be the first of a long row of mornings like this. The thought scares me for a moment. I never thought about being with a man for the long run, but with you, it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

 

–^–^–

It’s still a short story, merely 700 words long and it could be read as sequel to “Destination Unkown” and as a prequel to “Rare Bird

destination unknown

 

I was nervous. It wasn’t only the flight, but it was the knowledge, that in a few hours, I would be able to look into his eyes, to hear his real voice, to feel his arms around myself and to smell his scent.

This was not my typical self. I was never the adventurous type, I preferred to live my life as straight and predictably as possible.

But then I met him. A lot of things are different with him. We met on the web. It was never really my world and meeting a man and falling in love? That was for fools only. He made the first step, chatting me up and at first it was only meant to be fun and distracting for me. Banter and flirting, where’s the harm in that? Slowly though, his mails and the photos he send me day after day, became the highlight of my mornings.

 

****

 

The plane started to move and took me out of my memories. Instantly, my hands became clammy. Trees were only a blur anymore and then I got pushed into my seat. Take off. Silent tears streamed down my face. I wasn’t able to stop them and I was too panicked to make a noise. I looked out of the window and I could only see the clear blue sky. I looked past the other passengers in the same row and looked out of the opposite window. I could only see green fields. My hands gripped the armrest, that separated me from the empty seat next to me, until my knuckles were white and my fingers hurt, but I wasn’t ready letting go. And suddenly, the plane seemed to have reached it’s travel height. The tension slowly faded away and I breathed relieved. I was not really afraid to fly, I was panicked for the take off and with no one by my side, to soothe or distract me, the panic was almost overwhelming. Once the plane was up in the air, everything was okay, I had to sit by the window though, I needed to see everything around me.

 

****

 

I gave up my old life for him. I sold everything I couldn’t fit into a few bags, I gave up my job and my flat, only to fly into the unknown. A new continent, a different language, no job, no apartment and I had never met the man in person, who was supposed to take me in and help me get my feet on the ground. What, if he doesn’t like me? What if we don’t get along? And what if he is just some creep?Before I could rile myself up too badly, I felt my eyelids becoming heavy and I slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

 

Next thing I knew, was that a nice flight attended woke me up and asked me to fasten my seat belt. “We are going to land soon.” Had I really slept almost six hours? In a plane? Alone?

 

The plane landed effortlessly and I breathed again. The landing was never as hard for me, as the take off, because of the simple knowledge, that soon there would be solid ground under my feet again. People scrambled together their belongings and made their ways to the exit, where a flight attendant waited and said good-bye to every passenger.

 

As soon as I entered the terminal, my heart began pounding in my chest. The inevitable moment was close. My bags came and I heaved them onto my luggage cart and pushed it to the exit. Ropes separated the newly arrived from the ones being there to pick them up. My heart beat so fast, it threatened to burst my ribcage. I saw people falling into each others arms, crying happy tears and clinging onto each other. Families, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons….

The crowd slowly dissipated and I was still looking for the one who was set to pick me up. Through a group as laughing teenagers, I saw a man holding up a poster. It simply read SHELLY. That was my nickname. It was him. It took me a moment to get my legs to move. At first sight, he was even more gorgeous than he was on his pictures. I saw him stretching and scanning the crowd and then he saw me too and he recognized me too. A bright smile erupted on his face and I knew it was mirroring my own. Step by tiny step, we got closer to each other, until we both stopped in our tracks. Only three steps separated us and I saw his face becoming serious, the smile faded. I was unsure what to do, my instinct told me to run away, but my body wouldn’t obey. And I didn’t know where to hide anyway. Dreadful moments passed and I waited. Frozen. Unable to act or react.

“Shelly.” he whispered almost inaudible, because of the busy people hurrying to get to their planes and the ones hurrying to get home. I nodded, not knowing what else to do.

The poster glided from his hands and slid to the floor, while he took another step towards me. The suspense and anticipation was killing me. I couldn’t wait any longer and almost jumped into his arms. He was shorter than I had imagined him to be, but he was still a few inches taller than me. My body fit his perfectly. I buried my nose against his neck and smiled, when I noticed his scent. It was an aphrodisiac for me. His arms came up and circled my waist almost lifting me off the floor and I laughed happily.

My hands cupped his cheeks and I looked him in the eyes – beautiful light blue eyes, while taking a step back to look at him. His cheeks were stubbly, just how I loved it and his ginger hair was cut close to the head, but not too close. He was gorgeous. His lush lower lip begged to be kissed and again, it was me, who took the first step and I kissed him hesitantly. He kissed me back and pulled me even closer against him. Reluctantly, he let go of me and now, he looked me up and down, making me slightly uncomfortable.

“Let’s go home” he said smiling and got behind my luggage cart to push it towards to parking lot.

Time and time again, we looked at each other, only to shyly look away again. We loaded my bags into his truck and he came around to open my door.

Before I could climb in, he held me by the wrist and spun me around and into his arms. He kissed me passionately. I’ve been kissed before – a lot, but I’ve never been kissed like this before, it took my breath away. My heart skipped a beat and it was as though an electrical shock rushed through my entire body.

“I am glad you are here. Finally.” His voice was gentle, but deep and a little hoarse. I liked it very much and I wondered what it would sound like in the morning, when he woke up.

“You must be starving. Would you like to go out on a dinner date with me?” he asked formally. Finally, I found my voice too and I accepted his invitation. We sealed the agreement to our first date with a long kiss and we drove off. Destination unknown.

 

–^–^–

This can be read as the first part of three, but it can also be read on its own.

neglected love

maybe I’m just too demanding

never understanding

Just know, that your words a branding,

burning deep inside my soul

sparkling a yearning

I never knew before

Don’t neglect the love I feel for you

it’s all I have – and that is sadly true

sinking in a sea of memories

I swore I wouldn’t cry

I swore I’d keep the tears at bay

pretending to be all cried out anyway

but there you are

so familiar

pulling me under

in a sea of dreadful memories

I’m not sleeping

I’m thinking

sinking

let me go

set me free

allow me to burst this bubble full of agony

stay away from me

until I am ready, to call you back to me

I just want to be your everything

Tell me you need me

as much as I need you

Tell me you love me

as much as I love you

Tell me, that I am special

as special as you are to me

Tell me your deepest secrets

because I’ll tell you mine

 

Touch my heart

I want to touch yours too

Touch my soul

I want to touch yours too

Touch me

I want to touch you too

Touch me in any way you’d like

because I want to touch you too

 

Set me apart

because I set you apart as well

 

I don’t want too much

I just want to be your everything

you are my secret

You are my greatest escape

my biggest secret

giving, never taking

For you, I feel my love growing

and my despair too

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

I don’t want to be like them

I allow you to see me

and to love me

but I shouldn’t

I am not free

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

you are my biggest secret

the man who makes me rise above every doubt and fear

I dream of you and I want you

until reality comes crushing down on me

and I fall

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

I don’t want to be hurt

but I’m hurting you

I am not free

but I love you

and yet, I shouldn’t

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

loosing you would break me

 

–^–^–

now remember, I know how this sounds, but most everything I write is fiction and plays in my mind…

poem: music

to love

to sing

to weep

to laugh

 

feeling emotions

stepping out of the dark

picking up pieces shard by shard

 

to dance

to feel

to cry

to be

 

fleeting emotions

falling into the dark

breaking into tiny pieces shard by shard

 

to laugh

to cry

to love

to be

 

a passion

a savior

that’s what music is to me

“Let Me In” by Josh Bulriss

I love this picture. It hangs on my wall and is a part of me for almost seven months now, but the beauty of it hasn’t faded. The magic is still there. The feelings and the emotions this simple picture evokes in me hasn’t died down. I have rarely seen something that has had such an impact on me and still has.
Sometimes, I catch myself staring at it and being lost in thought. It’s a wonderful feeling. For many people, this is only a doorway. For me, it means much more. Stepping out of the dark. Seeing the light… I won’t bore you with my perception of it, because everyone looking at something like this, should listen to his own heart and let it speak to himself instead of me, feeding you, what I see.

Art in general is a subjective thing… and that’s good, because it makes for a vast diversity of different genres and styles.

 

Thank you Josh, for this picture. As you can see, I still don’t have enough of it. I am literally in love with it.

 

if you want to take a look at his work go here: http://www.joshbulriss.com

 

This picture, is actually one of 3 canvas I own of Josh… apparently, I am something like a collector 🙂

 

❤ Cathy

I write…

I am a writer. It took me some time to admit it, because people don’t know what to do of it. What does a writer do? What do I, as a writer do?

I create. I create characters and story lines. I tell stories and (try to) take you on a journey, suck you in, until you are completely in love with my characters… I don’t say that I am a good writer nor do I say, that you absolutely need to read what I write, because you don’t. I write gay contemporary fiction. (not exclusively, but mostly) Nothing kinky, but with an occasional steamy scene nonetheless. I can’t even say, why I stuck to that genre, but I like it and I continue to write it with a passion. I don’t write books or bestsellers. What I write is more like novelettes and yet, as I said, I do it with a passion.

My characters are most often flawed, or they have some kind of trauma. Happy fluff is not my cup of tea, although most often, my stories have a happy ending. I try to write as realistically as possible. I don’t want people to roll their eyes and close the story, because the story line is implausible. I want to write characters, that could be real and situations, that could be real too. Research is one thing, an overactive imagination another, that come in very handy when I write. 

But, I admit it. I am chaotic. I have a loose story in my head and I write from there. I never lay out a plan and I usually have no idea what will happen during the story at the beginning of sitting down and writing it. On good days, I sit down and the words just flow out of my fingers and when I look at the screen and see, that I wrote 1000+ words, I am surprised myself. On bad days, I think too much and I sit and stare at the blinking cursor. I can’t write under pressure and I can’t write, when other things are preoccupying my mind.

Ever since I joined wattpad.com I became something of an addict for Votes and Comments. I love to see, that people like what I write and I admit, it did wonders for my self-esteem. I get hate-mail too, quite a lot for that one book that I mentioned more than once before, but I also get a lot of positive feedback and that is what keeps me going. 

I am enjoying this book. You are taking the reader through uncharted territory for most and describing it accurately. And yes it is a heartbrakingly work to read but good for people to have some idea of the evils that happen in this world. And perhaps be a little more thoughtful and kinder to others no matter their situation in life. 
Thank you for bringing this story to life.

 

That is what I strive for. (This comment was for a chapter in this book: http://www.wattpad.com/story/11643925-find-me-save-me-love-me )

 

That was a Beautiful story. Tears when I read a book show how much a story pulls be along for all of the highs and lows in the lives of the characters. Please keep writing

 

You are a wonderful writer that’s all to it. This story made me cry

 

this book is literally one of the most amazing book I’ve ever read on wattpad. I was bawling when Jaime died like literally tears streaming down my face. I’m happy though that Sebastian could move on from Jaime instead of stuck with the past. looking forward to read your other books! ❤

 

Not ashamed to admit I cried when I read this. Good thing I was alone, though.

(comment from a man)

 

This story was soooo amazing and I cried when Jamie died and I really wih he hadn’t… The story ended beautifully but I just finished and I feel like I have a frog In my throat because this story was so moving….you should consider a second book about them….

That is what keeps me going. (comments are taken form chapters of this book:  http://www.wattpad.com/story/8235584-when-the-right-door-opens-mxm ) I said it before and I say it again… That book is the best I have written so far. I love it and I love how it affects the readers. Of course, it needs editing, a lot of it, but this is a good book! Sad but good. Those who follow this blog a little closer know, that I rarely say something like that about myself… I’m really proud of it…

 

And then I get random comments like this: 

I am not a very good editor But I am an avid reader and have enjoyed reading your stories very much Thank you

 

and I wonder, why do they thank me? I should thank them, for taking the time to read my stuff (and I do. I thank them all the time)

 

You write such beautiful love stories!

 

So, yeah… this is what makes me go on and on and on, spinning plot bunnies in my head and scribbling little notes on every surface available… I love writing and to think, that I only started doing this in May 2012…

I joined wattpad.com in 2013 (April). Until now, I have gathered over 400 readers (more or less faithful), 3324 Votes and many many comments on the 18 stories I posted. I have not one single regret having done this so far and I plan on continuing for a long time. And last but not least, I found a bunch a very nice people on that site, some of them even share a love for music with me…

 

THANK YOU – for your time, your support and everything you give to me… It is never taken for granted, but deeply appreciated.

 

❤ micqu (Cathy) 

our love

For years, I have been lost

in the wilderness,

living in the deepest recess

of my mind.

Then you came along and

captured my soul

you took me on an adventure

Opened my heart to the beauty

of life and love.

 

Fourteen years ago, you’ve changed my world

and rearranged my stars

every day, you show me that you love me

and we even find our path through rocky roads

you love me and remind me

of what’s real

Our love, our life and our journey together,

that will only end after we are old and grey, bald and incontinent, without teeth and without hearing, but we will still have us!

until the day comes, when eternity calls