where fiction and reality merged

Facts about me

Taking a page out of Aaron’s blog –> http://confusingmiddle.com and following Paul’s –> captainsspeech.com recent share your blog event, I decided to share some facts about me. Questions are allowed and will be answered. So… fasten your seatbelts, let’s begin this Tuesday with a post about mememememe.

1. I am a woman
2. My birthday is in February (8th)
3. It makes me an Aquarius
4. I am also an INFP which stands for “introversion, intuition, feeling, perception” and is one of 16 personality types according to Myers-Briggs
5. I write a lot. Every day. Everything that is not personal and about me is fiction.
6. I am diagnosed bi-polar and my moods or episodes can sometimes be palpable in my posts
7. I love music of many genres and like to share things that make me happy – music
8. I was born and raised in Luxembourg – which is a very small but beautiful country in Europe
9. i am fluent in four languages and always interested in picking up bits of new ones
10. some consider me as being odd
11. at work, I am often seen as laid-back and calm/quiet. That’s just a facade. There is a storm on the inside
12. I work with babies and toddlers
13. The only other dream-job I ever had was in drug-prevention, apart from that, I always wanted to work with little kids
14. right now, I am on extensive sick leave because I have an issue with my shoulder. It should have been resolved a year ago, but it seems as if no one wants to perform a surgery and it is better to be sent from test to test anyway *sarcasm*
15. I am deeply empathetic, which can be a course. I pick up on moods and sometimes internalise the pain of others – my writing benefits from that, my mental health doesn’t
16. I am a good cook because I like spoiling people who come to my house
17. did I mention that I will be 38 this year? Not a nice number. I wonder if it is time to grow up.
18. I did not gain or lose any weight this year, even if it looks like it on my face. but my hair turns grey and greyer
19. blame it on my three kids (15,12,10). I love them to bits and would do anything for them
20. My son will be 16 next week
21. my childhood was quite rough with emotional blackmail, neglect, and abuse and I had to do things for my mom no child should do for their parent at the age of 6. It influenced my entire life and I hope that I am a better parent to my kids.
22. when i get very very overwhelmed, I fall back into old patterns and get the urge to cut my skin. I did that as a teenager, then stopped – without help for a decade. Since 2012 it happens again sporadically. (once in 2020)
23. one of my biggest fears is being rejected and abandoned. that’s why it hurts so much when people become close and start ghosting me – which happens on occasion too
24. I am a sensual woman and like to write sensual short stories that border on erotica
25. most of my online acquaintances are male
26. most of my real-life friends are male
27. I lost a friend because of that – she counted my followers on Twitter and FB (!) and after a fight she decided that I violated the girls-code (whatever that is) and that I was toxic – I don’t miss her
28. I have never met my best friend – she is in London and we are in touch daily.
29. It is easier for me to be authentic and open online than it is in my real life
30. i prefer to step back and allow others to shine in real life
31. online is real-life too, I know, but it is different
32. I published 4 books, they can all be found on Amazon and they can also be bought through my blog, but only one person ever chose the latter option and that book went to Wales
33. In 2020, for the first time ever, I did a piece of spoken word poetry and it can be found on an official release – a compilation by diy artists – I am a member of a discord channel as the only (?) non-musician and don’t know if I even fit in there – but the creator of the channel added me and I won’t complain
34. I used to sing in a band and two songs I wrote made it on an album – I was made to leave (kicked out) when hey decided they only needed one singer and it would be better to be an all-male band. I cried and was disappointed, but not for too long. I am still friends with the members of the band. A while later, they split up and went on to have families and careers…
35. I have been sharing music daily on the blog for a while now. I always start with the intention of only doing it for a month straight only, but to be honest, I like that most don’t know the songs I share and I hope that you can discover your next favourite artist
36. I like supporting people and I like taking care of them
37. If I take care of you, it means that I love you. I care about you. I never ask “how are you?” without wanting a real and true answer
38. I write romantic poems and stories most of the time, I don’t consider myself to be a romantic woman though. I don’t want flowers or jewels, I want the little things
39. I can be selfish
40. I think I am shallow, but I am told I am not
41. can I brag? I have an IQ (official test) of 132
42. I am horrible with numbers
43. My life is quite boring. I am home a lot and don’t like to socialise.
44. My head is filled with boring facts about music, movies and everything related to those two. I just seem to memorise these things
45. I am a good listener and remember little things about people
46. last October, I met a Dutch couple I met online. I drove for four hours, spent four days with them and drove home again. I had a weird weekend. It was almost like wellness and yet, it was apparent that something internal was not quite right – I had the urge to touch my fingers the entire time, and one big phobia reared its head – I hate eating in front of people. I was an even weirder version of my normal self. it’s embarrassing, really. I’m sorry.
47. people step into our lives when we need them not when we want them
48. I don’t believe in regrets. Every decision I make is the right one in that moment. And if it turns out to be a bad decision later, then so be it. It sounds weird but allows me to be confident about my choices.
49. I believe in the Butterfly Effect: If one thing was changed in the past, I would not be where I am now – this helps a lot with my messed up childhood and adolescence – because I like my life right now and I like the people who are part of it – even if they have no idea how important they are for my well-being
50. amor fati – love your fate
51. I write daily. In December my mentor passed away, without him, you would not be able to read any of my words. I miss him. He liked lists too.
52. I use social media a lot, but I am not hung-up on stats. But, once in a while I wonder “who cares” and consider deleting everything. Everything but the blog. And for the blog, I do like to see that there are constant visitors.
53. as I am writing this list, I am sitting at my kitchen table with plugs in my ear. The song that is playing is heavy metal (Kvelertak – heksebrann) and it is hard to sit still, but my kid has an online class and she is sitting here with me – i need to behave
54. I am not a usual mom – I am often silly
55. I like sunrises
56. I like to sleep in – it clashes with the fact that I like sunrises
57. when I wake up in the morning, I need a moment until I am ready to talk with anyone
58. I can be very moody (good moods and bad moods too)
59. The only way I know how to think is to overthink
60. I am made of emotions but only movies and music make me cry
61. I don’t like to show my vulnerable and weak side – I try to make fun of myself instead – yes, I am that insecure
62. powertools don’t scare me. I know how to do many things around the house – I am independent, but I like it if a man takes care of me
63. I like long baths
64. kindness, respect, and gratitude are not a luxury
65. you are always the bad guy in someone’s story – that’s a fact of life
66. I love spinach, it is my second favourite dish
67. I don’t like it when someone looks over my shoulder while I am looking at my phone or writing on the laptop.
68. I am afraid to be judged wrongly – but since I am secretive and insecure, that is often the case
69. most people I encounter use the word “mysterious” to describe me and even though this has happened for years now, no one has an answer to what is so “mysterious” about me.
70. I gave up pretending online – I am who I am.
71. I don’t pretend in real-life, I just don’t show everything
72. I know a lot of theory about exercising and healthy food – and yet I am overweight
73. I am quite short (160cm – 5’3)
74. my wardrobe is filled with black tops and jeans
75. my best physical assets: eyes (brown), boobs, ass
76. I am a bad liar and think it is disrespectful to lie anyway
77. I am easily hurt but I easily forgive too
78. there is a song for every memory and every situation
79. one indicator that I am not well (mentally) is when there is no music playing – it means i am overflowing with emotions and cannot deal with anything else clouding my mind
80. an explosion of emotions – I wish I had come up with that, but I did not. I just use it a lot and the person who said it probably just said it in passing without giving it much thought
81. my favourite season is autumn (fall). In winter it is too cold, in summer it is too hot and in spring there are too many allergies
82. always look on the bright side of life
83. I like art – abstract photography
84. I haven’t seen my mother since 2016 – it is a conscious choice to protect me, but if I am honest and if I was in her position it would hurt – all my talk about being abandoned and rejected and I am doing it myself – and yet… I cannot change it. I cannot go and visit – even calling her is hard for me
85. I know my twin-flame. It is not the man I married
86. I never had any surgery or broken bones and the only X-Rays I had ever taken was at the dentists
87. the song that is playing now is Billy Joel – she’s only a woman
88. there is only one podcast I listen to regularly: https://open.spotify.com/show/0ZjcbBn2GdfMosNptBzEkP?si=uXUfwv8oQI2YskABoDD2KQ
89. I know that spotify is not kind to indie artists and yet it is the easiest way to spread your music these days.
90. I never owned any apple device
91. there is a very thin line between emptiness and overflowing
92. I am not alone, but I get very lonely sometimes
93. I get lonely because I know exactly who I want to be in touch with but they are unavailable
94. it’s the expectation that hurts more than anything else – no expectations, no hurt. I tried living without expectations, but it doesn’t work for me – maybe I am too much of a dreamer
95. I hate video calls
96. I don’t often use the word “hate”
97. I am not a negative person, it is just easier to see the positive in other people than it is to see it in myself
98. I know too many songs, I am singing alone to Pat Benatar’s Hit me with your best shot right now
99. I have been struggling to come up with more facts since fact 53
100. Thank you for indulging me – you deserve a big hug.