idea_20200528

I am waiting for your words to fall into my lap

But they land on my head instead.

They are burning a hole in my brain

I am soaking them up like the rain.

A million words were said between us

Most of them where covered in lust.

I can’t seem to think when you are around

Even though my mind is usually quite loud

There is silence in your arms

muting the shrill warning signs.

I cover myself in pieces of you

Not once an afterthought or one of a few

Whoever I am when I am alone, with you everything is whirled

For now – a precious moment, you are the center of my world.

This is me today…

So, this is me today. My new picture for work. There is no filter on it, I was just close to a window and the sun was shining. It’s vain, but I like my eyes in this one. I don’t like the grey hair, but I am not 20 anymore. I am 37 and it is showing.

I don’t often like myself; I am a harsh critic. Everything I excuse in others or find endearing are things I hate on me. At the same time, I know that I am a unique person; I have flaws and qualities like everyone else. They are all a part of me…

Darkest light

Original draft of this third poem of the day – including spelling mistakes and my poor handwriting. Written on a napkin while making lunch. (May 24th, 2020)

Touching skins

And

Kissing souls

Seeping into one

Soaking in each other

*

Touching skins

And

Kissing souls

Drowning in fantasies

Creating eternal/ ethereal memories

*

I could die in your eyes

I could float in your arms

*

Touching skins

And

Kissing souls

Desperate connection

Bleeding lust

*

Dire thoughts

Floating darkness

– our kind of light.

small world

My world is small with walls coming closer to crush my mind

If I was a bubble, I would burst into a million of tiny droplets

I could inspire growth, I could make everything better

But I am trapped in my small world.

If I could spread my wings and swim across the clouds

I could be by your side, I could be fertile soil

But I am trapped in my small world.

Tonight…

I am still on leave at work, but this last week, I was at the nursery daily. So much to do, so little information from the government and our bosses. We, as the pedagogical team, need to think about every detail in order to make our restart work… It is frustrating, but I am very motivated to work with the kids again. I miss it and I regret that I don’t have more hours. But in the end, I need to think about myself and my health too – my shoulder is not healed and hurts after a day’s work but, it will be okay. I did good at work this week… I am proud of myself. ☺

Tonight, I am enjoying a drink, some music and the ambient light from this book-light.

All will be well. There are people looking out for me. I see you. ❤❤❤

come on, go!

I let you get to me

And now I am broken.

Do you know I wasn’t happy there?

In the shower, in the kitchen,

I was never myself

And I hate this feeling

I was never my own.

I said we’re done

But you came back to catch me.

Did I ask to be saved?

Quit playing these games.

And if I crawl home

Hiding underneath the street lamps

My sins will be concealed.

I reek of all the things I didn’t do.

Strange times – it could be worse.

On a leash, in a line

Almost forty years and my demise is near.

Carved in skin – made a of love

Falling off a mountain…

I will fly. I swear I will.

My last remaining decisions.

Who knew?

beautiful beginning

The clouds gathered above my head,

I shook my hair, refusing to accept that I was mad

And the rain began soaking my naked body

My nose rose in defiance; yes, I was that snotty

Roots grew out of my feet, keeping me steady

One, two, three. I felt it in my bones; I was ready

I wasn’t drowning; I was nurtured and growing

And time and space was slowing (down)

My head fell back, and my arms rose against the gloomy sky

Fuzzy images behind my eyes; suggestive lies

Victorious at last, my skin was washed clean

Memories of who I was and where I’d been

My unquiet mind was reeling from this new emotion

Life passing by in slow motion

A new seed was beginning to grow

Goodbye. Hello.

******

Written for Peckapalooza (Aaron), who posted a prompt on his blog, The Confusing Middle. I don’t want to commit to writing for every prompt, but this is a beginning, and sometimes, prompts help to get the creative juices flowing.

Head over to his blog and take a look. I think you will like it. Also, if you want, write for the prompt ‘beginning’ and share it in the comments.

I hope you are well—lots of love to you.

all the things you said

“Marriage material,” you called me, and I don’t know what to make of it. Five years of back and forth, and it took a pandemic for you to see and understand what I already knew years ago. All the sweet talk and the admission of your flaws; of course, it makes me fall for you again. I am trying to keep my heart out of it all, but I can’t. Your place in my heart and in my soul is set. And you are in my mind. All the time. Because of that, our phone calls, the phone sex, it is intense. Mindblowing. More than satisfying. And you like that. I know you do. I like it too. But I can’t make time for you all the time. I have to plan around my family. But man, I miss you, and yes, you are right, I owe you a couple of cums. You are insistent, rightly so. Is it because of an earlier claim? Months ago, you said that I am the only one who can make you cum these days. The last times you got in touch was always with the same question, you say that you can’t forget me. “Why can’t I forget you?” you asked, and I asked, “Why should you want to forget me?” “I can’t,” you said. “I can’t let you go.” And that was that. You made plans for a shared future, said you could move over here. I said that I am complicated, and you asked why and how. The first time ever, you said that you like me and that I don’t scare you. All these texts, they did things to me. And I realise that I am the scared one. I am afraid to be hurt by you, but even more, to hurt you. I cannot be who you want me to be. Not all the time. And I am still under the impression that you don’t want to know more about me. I told you that I need a lot of time for myself and to write and all that “No problem, I will be on tour,” you answered. “As long as you aren’t nagging. I never start arguments in relationships.” And I would never nag, I never start arguments either. You mentioned my kids and that you are good with them. You could practice your French or German with them. “We seriously have a fucking chance. I am not playing.” But I am not sure if I can trust you. It makes me sad. I want this so much. So so much. Five years of come and go. Of back and forth. Of “I don’t care” and “You don’t matter, none of this does.” Words that cut me deep and left wounds – scars. Then the time we should have met in 2017, and you decided to ghost me a week before and months later. All the times you said this had to end because I was holding you back. But you always came back. Silent weeks and months, but you always came back. You changed me. You built me up, and you tore me down, and now, after all these years, I am finally trying to get my head back above water. “I worry about the people I like, and I take care of them,” I reminded you. “Does that mean you like me?” You asked, and it was so sweet and innocent. And I said yes. You shared fantasies of making love to me on your piano… and I want everything you have to offer. But I am not ready to lose myself. I love you. I really do. But not the way you deserve or need to be loved.