This one was written this morning. The sun was shining through the window, and I was thinking about the past. Not dwelling on it, not missing it. Just remembering. It was nice—a serene moment.
I noticed that many people are negative these days. They are vile and feel like the victims. They are afraid someone is gossiping about them, and yet, they are doing the same. It happens online and in my daily life too. If people spent more time focussing on themselves and what they have instead of focussing on others and what they want, they would be more content.
Yesterday, I had a discussion about merch and art. I did not get the artist’s point; I did not understand it. The other party was trying to explain. And after some back and forth, I conceded that I misunderstood the artist’s intention. It was a discussion that was respectful and informative. And yet, I was worried that I had offended the other party and got in touch in the evening planning on apologising – if necessary. Obviously, I had not offended them, and that was due to the tone of the discussion.
I am confronted with so much negativity all the time that I noticed that I am walking on eggshells and always afraid to step on someone’s toes. It is exhausting. And it is surprising when someone is an adult about a discussion.
We could all do with some positive vibes these days.
It has been a while. Lots happened, and yet, nothing changed. A lot has changed. The way we are together has changed. As if there is a friendship building. Slowly. And apart from the dirty fantasies and sex calls. It feels comforting. There are no expectations and no pressure. Just there. A while ago, this would not have been possible. A normal, real conversation would have been unthinkable. But it is not anymore. And I am grateful for that. I am not in love; you aren’t either. But there is connection and affection tinting our brief chats. For years, I wanted you to see me. And now, now you do. It took a pandemic to make you see me. It shouldn’t be like this, but it matters. It is important for me that you see me, and I feel serene when you are near.
And if I am falling? Who will pick me up? No one will because I don’t allow anyone close enough to see me fail – or succeed. I don’t have secrets; I just don’t tell everything. And if I am struggling in my tired mind, when my mind tells me sweet little lies? Then I’ll fight with myself. That’s how I do it. And it is the only way I know how to do it. If anyone wanted to support me, I would not allow it. Out of fear that my insecurities and failures are too ugly. Insecurities and self-sabotage are lonely friends feeding of lies they told in the darkest hours of the night.
It’s a battlefield. Inside. A knot of nerves. One too many butterflies. Too much of that tingling feeling in her belly. Clammy hands are gripping the steering wheel. Knuckles white. Itchy palms. And that smile on her lips? It leaves dimples in her cheeks. There are one hundred directions to go, but which one is right? She is not driving. Her foot is not pushing down on the pedal. She closes her eyes and remembers how he held her tight. One too many butterflies are doing summersaults in her belly. A knot of nerves. Inside. It’s a feeling a lot like love. Love is a battlefield.
I let the kindle slip off my lap and down to the couch. There are pins and needles in my left leg, and I shake it, moving my toes to make it feel normal again. Normal. That’s when you don’t feel anything at all. That’s normal. No discomfort, no pain – normal. Is that normal, though? What seems normal for some is anything but for others.
I used to take care of my mom when I was a child. Feeding, washing, soothing her – that was normal. Most people don’t experience anything like that until they or their parents are old. But for me, at age six, it was life and I didn’t know it any other way. She relied on me to do these things, because I am her child. I guess that is why I care about people so much. I was raised to believe that being kind and silent and denying my own self in favour of others means that I am loved. I guess that is why if I feel a connection, I equate that with making sure others are well and without worries. And if they are happy or content, I hope they feel some kind of friendship, affection, or even love toward me. But I know very well that it doesn’t work that way. Emotions are not bribery.
I cannot make you love or even like me. I cannot beg for friendship when there is none and there are no basic similarities between us. I cannot ask for you to remember the moments of unmistakable connection when you are ignoring what happened for the sake of your sanity.
I am human. And I feel. Everything. Deeply. And some days, I wished I was normal: not feeling anything at all.
I wonder, am I allowed to call my scribblings art? My poetry and writings, are they art, or is that the wrong label for them? Last week I had a chat with a musician who was insistent that everyone who creates something is an artist in their own right and that we should claim that label for us again.
In my mind, I am not an artist. Musicians, photographers, painters, other writers… They are all artists, but not me. In my mind, there is a voice telling me that I am not good enough and that I am wasting time and space.
I feel as if I am pretending most of the time – which I am not, though. What you see is what you get; the only thing that is different in my daily life is that I am more open online and less timid. I am an introvert, after all.
What I do know, though, is that art inspires art. And if I follow MrSteJ‘s words, then I am allowed to call myself an artist too. And if I continue with that train of thought, then I should admit that yes, my writing is always inspired by music, photography, or even the poetry of someone else.
Maybe, art is what we allow to be art? Maybe everything is art. Just like everything is energy.
That dream again. I am at work sitting on the floor with the babies, playing. My phone rings. I often don’t take your calls; you know that. But this time, I am in a good mood. I just want to tell you to call later. I take the call while I walk outside of our little space. But it is not your voice that’s asking for me. It is your brother. I am confused at first, trying to understand how and why he is calling when you always said that I am your best-kept secret. “He passed away,” your brother says, and I nod as if he was seeing me. “We will issue a statement today, but I thought you should know. He talked about you. He loved you.” I nod again, say thank you, and drop my phone. It just slides out of my hand. I drop to my knees too. There is no sound. No strength, just tears and an unbearable pain that breaks my heart. My colleagues are concerned; they don’t know my emotional side, not like this. And I can’t speak. I just whisper your name. I wake up with a racing heart. There is no missed call. There is no statement on Facebook or any other social media. I take a deep breath and realise that I miss you. A lot. I am not ready to lose you.
2. Favorite movie in the past five years? I am not sure, to be honest. I have seen so many films that I liked, it is hard to pick one.
3. Favorite Hitchcock film? Never seen a Hitchcock film
4. A book you plan on reading? There is nothing on my reading list right now
5. A book that you read in school that positively shaped you? On n’est pas sérieux quand on a dix-sept ans by Barbara Samson (English title: Being seventeen)
6. Favorite TV show that’s currently on? A Handmaid’s Tale
7. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now? If One is bad and Ten is super excited, I am a 7
8. iPhone or Android? Android. Never had and never will own an iPhone
9. Twitter or Instagram? Instagram
10. Who should EVERYONE be following right now? Whoever empowers them in a positive way. Right now, I find Russell Brand’s IG account quite interesting, but my enthusiasm for it comes and goes…
11. What’s your favorite food? Spinach with garlic
12. Least favorite food? Brussel sprouts
13. What do you love on your pizza? Spinach, seafood, eggs
14. Favorite drink? Gin & Tonic with fruits (raspberries, strawberries, mango) or simply water. I like drinking water.
15. Favorite dessert? Mousse au Chocolat
16. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk Chocolate
17. Coffee or tea? Depends on my mood
18. What’s the hardest part about being a mum? Managing the chaos and remembering everyone’s schedules, while working, and making sure everyone has enough clean clothes in their cupboard to last two days
19. What’s your favorite band? I don’t have a favourite band anymore. Some I like a lot are Depeche Mode, Pink Floyd, Anathema, the Cure…
21. Favorite song? Running up that hill by Kate Bush Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
22. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be? James Morrison (please don’t stop the rain), not because I like to listen to that kind of music a lot, but because I think our voices would be good together.
23. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? Piano
24. If you had a tattoo, where would it be? Left lower arm
25. To be or not to be? To be
26. Dogs or cats? Neither, but if I had to choose: dogs
27. Bird-watching or whale-watching? Bird-watching
28. Best gift you’ve ever received? A personal song sung especially for me from a musician I once admired
29. Best gift you’ve ever given? Personalized jewelry. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but I took great care in choosing it, and the person was really happy and is wearing it a lot
30. Last gift you gave a friend? chocolates
31. What’s your favorite board game? Karuba
32. What’s your favorite country to visit? France is nice
33. What’s the last country you visited? Netherlands
34. What country do you wish to visit? UK (especially Scotland and Wales)
35. What’s your favorite color? Purple
36. Least favorite color? Orange
37. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
38. Heels or flats? Flats
39. Pilates or yoga? Yoga
40. Jogging or swimming? Jogging
41. Best way to de-stress? Drinking Maté and listening to music. A bath helps too.
42. If you had one superpower, what would it be? Teleportation
43. What’s the weirdest word in the English language? Acknowledgement, awkward, jealous
44. What’s your favorite flower? Calla Lilies
45. When was the last time you cried? A couple of days ago while watching a TV show called Years and Years
46. Do you like your handwriting? Yes
47. Do you bake? Yes
48. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I lack self-confidence
49. What is your most favorite thing about yourself? My eyes, my ass, my boobs, my humour, my wit, my empathy
50. Who do you miss most? I can think of a few people who I miss equally.
51. What are you listening to right now? Right this moment, I am listening to a British artist called Ben Montague
52. Favorite smell? My perfume and the way it smells on my skin (Jean-Paul Gaultier pour Femme)
53. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? A colleague from work – Bianca
54. Who was the last person you sent a text to? Ash
55. A sport you wish you could play? Ballet
56. Hair color? Brown
57. Eye color? Brown
58. Scary film or happy endings? Happy Ending
59. Favorite season? Autumn
60. Three people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with? Keanu Reeves, Emma Thompson, my grandma
61. Hugs or kisses? Hugs and Kisses
62. Rolling Stones or the Beatles? The Beatles (duh!!)
63. Where were you born? Luxembourg city
64. What is the farthest you have been from home? Djerba (Tunisia)
65. Sweet or savory? Savory
66. Lipstick or lip gloss? None
67. What book have you read again and again? None. There are books I read twice, but usually, I only read them once.
68. Favorite bedtime story? None
69. What would be the title of your autobiography? In search of a balanced mind – the story of a troubled soul
70. Favorite sound? Thunderstorm and rain outside while I am inside
71. Favorite animal? Donkey
72. Who is your girl crush? Winona Ryder
73. Last photograph you took?
The first edition of this post was taken in July 2018. Some answers stayed the same; others changed… Have fun…
One day you will wake up and a wound that has always itched and that has always hurt – even if it was in a dull, almost imperceptible way, will have healed.
You will be surprised and it will be scary at first. You will try to get that feeling back – after all, it has been a part of you and your being for such a long time. But, let it go. You don’t need it anymore. And the hollow it left will be filled with something new. Something good.
Time is a peculiar thing. When we are young, we think that we have all the time in the world, and yet we are not in a hurry to live. When we are old, we know that time is a finite resource, and we rush to get as many things done as possible.
As it is, I think I am growing old. I am always in a hurry, filled with nervous energy. I am impatient, and my mind goes faster than anything around me can happen.
The thing is, the moments we miss because we were busy with something else are moments that can never come back. We cannot rewind the time, even though many people wish they could.
Live your days as if you were living them for the first time. I wish that sentence would come from me, but it doesn’t. Something similar was said in a very touching movie called About Time.
And now, it is about time that you check https://confusingmiddle.com/ to see what Aaron wrote for his first prompt challenge of the year 2021.