Rain

Rain pouring down on me like a river

Absence of my self, avoiding the drama

Inner turbulences, pretend happy

No turning back, blooming underneath the rain

*Repost* Come

I run, and I run. My legs are burning. They are heavy as lead. But I keep running. I run towards the dark alley that is calling my name. An alley I would avoid at all cost every other night. Not now. Not tonight. You are calling me. And I have to find you. I need you.

“Come, Cathy!” I hear it loud and clear. And I keep running and running. Because I want to catch you. You are my safe haven. I need to find you. Your presence will give me peace. And I keep running towards the dark. And the unknown. Edged on by the hope to find you, my love.

“Come, Cathy!” And I want to come to you. But I can’t reach you. No matter how fast I run, you are never there.

“Come, Cathy!” It is beginning to be frustrating. Devastating. Desperation sets in. How can I reach you? And I run and I run. Until I can’t run anymore and I stop. Everything is dark. There is no sound. Claustrophobic. Empty walls are closing in on me.

“Are you there?” I whisper. It sounds like the loudest scream in this absolute silence. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. And I realise that I am afraid. Fucking scared, actually. Of this silence. Of this void. Of this emptiness. Of you not being there.

“Are you there?” I whisper again. There is something cold and wet on my cheeks. Tears? And I can’t fill my lungs with enough air to breathe properly.

“Are you there?” I turn around several times. Turning in never-ending circles. I don’t know where I am — lost and confused. And I am so alone. And so cold. Cold and alone. Inside, and outside too. Lost in the dark. In the unknown. Inside my dream.

“Come, Cathy!” But I can’t do what you want me to do. I am not there. I am not real. Nothing is.

I wake up drenched in sweat. I remember the voice loud and clear. I know the voice. Your voice. My heart is pounding against my ribs, and I can still hear my blood’s flow in my ears. It makes me deaf to every other sound surrounding me. Around me, the bedroom is bathed in a red hue from the sun touching the closed blinds. “Come Cathy!” resonates behind my eyes, and between my ears. I don’t know what it means. I can’t remember a thing. Nothing that matters. And in my agitated state, it feels as if someone is watching me. I am at peace. I am safe. Because this is real, and you are not there.

Visit Paul; he is a fantastic blogger. Your time will not be wasted on his blog.

Not so sure about my blog… The stats speak for themselves, but… I’ll keep pestering and annoying you. Promised. 💜

I am quiet. I am quiet because every word I say seems to be the wrong word. Every word? No, not really; and yet, it feels that way. My sister in law is angry because she wasn’t invited for dinner, and when she was, she declined the invitation. My work colleague is irritated about the way people talk with each other, but her tone is not the friendliest either. A former colleague came to visit the nursery; she spoke with everyone but me.

These are not subjective things; these are facts. And it makes me sad. I don’t understand it. I am not a bad person, but where I am involved socially, drama is happening right now. Even if I am just a bystander. My sisters on law are fighting. My team is breaking apart. I am ignored… And honestly, I can’t take it anymore.

I used to say that I love my job and my place of work… I still love my job, but the team sucks. Grown people are acting like toddlers.

And I am just tired. I can’t write. I am useless. I can’t hold a team together. I can’t meet any wishes… I can’t be.

But hey… If you ask “How are you?” I will answer that I am a bit tired because I am working so much, but everything is fine.

It is a lie… But who cares?! No one should care, nor worry.

Falling…

I am not asking for solutions and understanding. I am not asking for attention… I am just tired of being. Sometimes I wish I was not. Sometimes I think it would be easier not to be.

Proust’s Questionnaire

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Love, health, humour, no stress

2. What is your greatest fear?
Being forgotten

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My self-loathe

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being condescending

5. Which living person do you most admire?
No comment

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
My entire existence

7. What is your current state of mind?
Manic-depressive

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience

9. On what occasion do you lie?
Never

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Double chin and hair where it doesn’t belong

11. Which living person do you most despise?
No comment. I don’t hate people

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Humour

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Humour

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Gell (equivalent to “you know?!”, mega, awesome

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My kids

16. When and where were you happiest?
15th September 2015

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
Playing an instrument

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wouldn’t be so hard on myself all the time

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being alive and more or less well

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A dog, because of my daughter’s love dogs

21. Where would you most like to live?
I am happy where I am. Though, living somewhere warmer would be alright too

22. What is your most treasured possession?
A little green frog, my son, bought for me at a fair.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Finding not the slightest ray of light in the dark

24. What is your favourite occupation?
Listening to music

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
Calm and kind

26. What do you most value in your friends?
Humour

27. Who are your favourite writers?
I don’t really have any, but I like Caroline Kepnes’ novels ” You” and “Hidden Bodies”, I also like German writer Sarah Kuttner

28. Who is your hero of fiction?
No one

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Never thought about it

30. Who are your heroes in real life
Working moms who get the job done

31. What are your favourite names
Olivier, Giulia, Amalia

32. What is it that you most dislike
Disloyalty, condescending people, chewing noises

33. What is your greatest regret?
I don’t believe in regrets

34. How would you like to die?
Quick, painless, young

35. What is your motto?
Everything happens for a reason

(As seen at the blog zaroff)

Currently reading…

The next book on my reading list is this one. A biography about Denholm Elliot. This actor peaked my interest when I saw the Indiana Jones movies recently. Upon doing my research, I realised what an intriguing man Denholm Elliot was. I am looking forward to dive into his story – written by his second wife, Susan Elliot. I know next to nothing about him… But I love biographies. What are you reading?