soon there will be a butterfly
I bled and bowed to the invisible thieves hiding in the shadows.
I weaved a million thoughts into wings.
But as I neared the light, my safety failed me. I faded.
Once, I was a fighting lioness, covered in battle wounds.
Now I am what the past spit out, with too much rain behind my eyes.
If I were who I was, I would have never met me in your eyes.
I don’t look behind. I carry you under my skin.
A tattoo on my chest reminding me that it is time to breathe.
I am drowning to swim. I am buried to grow.
Slowly, I am uncovering the lies in my head.
Cravings are turning me from black into grey.
Where else should I run? Out of breath, out of reasons to stay alive.
But somewhere deep inside, I know the inescapable truth.
And as I am trying to catch my breath, my wounds stop bleeding, my head straightens.
Empty. There is nothing left to give to anyone else. I need to feed myself first.
I disagree
I read (again) that no matter how busy you are, you always find time for your friends. I disagree.
Working, family, responsibilities… Those things are exhausting. And I believe that we have to make time for ourselves to recharge our batteries before we can be there for anyone else.
It’s the same with the idea that “happiness comes from taking care of others.” No! Caring for others drains us. Sure, we can be momentarily happy and proud, but if we always care for others, feed them and be there for them, it drains us, and we will be left empty and (again) exhausted.
It has nothing to do with cynicism, but with personal experience. I was always there for everyone. I cared for them, and I let them vomit their negativity on me. I became an emotional dump for their physical and mental problems. And it emptied me so much that there was only a void left. Once I began standing up for myself and dared saying ‘no’, I found myself alone and humiliated. I was embarrassed because I was told how selfish I was for not being there for them. But, I had to do it to protect myself.
It taught me another negative behaviour, though: I learned that I am only loveable, or I am only worth being loved if I care for others and do whatever they want me to do. Saying ‘no’ equaled giving a reason for being denied, love.
Twisted way of seeing it, right? But it was the way my brain was wired for a long, long time.
I am working hard not to attach my self-esteem, self-worth, self-love to that of someone else.
And that’s why I disagree. We have to take care of our selves before we can take care of others.
Stepping off my soap box.
PS: I have a long winding road ahead of me, but the destination is healing and health. And those are things worth fighting for.
International Mother Language Day
Moien, mäin Numm ass Cathy, an et freet mech dat dir all Daach hei op Besuch kommt. Meng Mammesprooch ass eng zimmlech kommesch, matt aussergewéihnlechen Lauten an Téin, an se ass och net weit verbreed (+/- 500 000 Leit schwätzen lëtzebuergeg – weltweit).
Mir hunn mol keng eenheetlech Grammaire- an Orthographie Regelen fir ze schreiwen. An awer, ech sinn houfreg op meng Hierkunft an op meng Sprooch.
Wéi ass dat bei ierch? Wat ass är Mammesprooch?
Translation:
Hello, my name is Cathy, and I am happy that you visit this site daily. My native language sounds weird with unusual sounds and pronunciations, and it is not very known. (+/- 500 000 people speak Luxembourgish – worldwide).
We don’t even have grammar or orthography rules that we apply when writing. And yet, I am proud of my heritage and of my language.
How about you? What is your native language?
xx
Moments in me
I was lost
I was found
I ran
I hid
I thought
I screamed
I fought
I lost.
.
But I was love
And I was not
I was light
And I was dark
I died several times
Was born again often too
I was there for everyone
until my essence faded into them
And I was empty
But, I was love.
.
Now I am here looking at my reflection in the mirror
And I wonder, will you love me when I am myself?
Is my home in my heart and in my eyes?
Is my soul free or am I forever hunted by the past?
I breathe the salt of my tears and write invisible lovesongs to my future self.
.
I am lost, but I am love. I am heaven and I am earth. I am dreaming and I am awake. I am all and I am nothing. Moments in me.
Fading. Failing. Heart.
I wanted to write my heart out for you, but the words got stuck in my fingers. My heart, fading, failing.
Sounds made in my throat, once songs, now lost moans, unspoken sadness. Voiceless.
Rain or tears? Shower spray? No one will ever understand the difference. Oh my heart. Black and white, lost its colour.
But you are not to blame, it is all me. I let my guard down. Soul wide open. Come in and love me.
I will fall. I won’t sleep. I will be. As long as there are memories of you in me, I will be free.
ABC – first try (2020)
And so it
Began.
Countless tears and shattered
Dreams later, I was
Effortlessly
Forgotten.
Gone is the laughter and the
Happy smiles we shared.
Instead,
Juvenile worries
Keep us from being carefree.
Lost
Memories and muses will
Never inspire new creations again.
Over.
Perhaps it was always meant to be this way.
Quietly
Ruined, damaged, wrecked. No more trust.
Someone asked where my safe place is;
The truth is, it was always in your arms.
Under the covers we hid from the world.
Very unique emotions reared their head,
Wounding me with their novelty and their intensity.
eXceptional
You. Gone. But I can still feel you like a
breeZe on my skin.
Thirty Questions
Bill tagged people on Twitter and on his blog to answer these thirty questions. I haven’t read the questions yet (I haven’t read Bill’s answers either – oops) and I will reply to them in an intuitive and spontaneous way.
1. What was your favorite childhood book?
My favourite book was called “Ich mach dich gesund kleiner Bär” – Janosch. It’s a German book about a tiger and a bear who are best friends. One day, Tiger gets sick and Bear does everything to make him well again. (turns out, one of Tiger’s strips slid into the wrong direction…)
2. What was your favorite TV show as a child?
Knight Rider. I am a child of the 80s/early 90s.
3. What book did you read in secret as a kid?
I didn’t read in secret.
4. What album and CD do you love and know by heart?
Weather Systems – Anathema
5. What book did you hate as a student?
Every book I was required to read. I read a lot, but didn’t want to have to read this or that book for someone else.
6. What is your all-time favorite movie?
7. What song always lifts your mood?
Anything by Otis Redding and this one makes me dance and sing these days (I like it a lot, but I think it will get boring soon – I love that 80s vibe):
8. What is the last book you read?
Juliet, Naked– Nick Hornby
9. Which TV shows have you binge-watched? Why?
The Politician, Insatiable, Russian Doll, Messiah, the Good Place… I had lots of time when I was on sick leave for my shoulder. I also watched reruns of Little House on the Prairie 🙂
10. If you were an animal, which animal would you be?
? A butterfly?
11. What was your most embarrassing moment?
When I told a musician (Maximilan Hecker) that his set has been shit. Oops. I apologised later, sending an email. He accepted it, lol. Even followed me on Twitter and Facebook afterward.
12. What famous author would you most like to meet?
Sarah Kuttner. For me, she is the best contemporary writer right now. She’s German and her writing style is raw and real and easy, yet it is not. It is filled with emotions. If you can read German, I recommend her 100%. I am not sure if her books are translated in other languages. 
13. What in your past would you most like to change?
Nothing. Everything brought me to the place where I am now. I met incredible people, I have loved and I have been loved. I know heartache, I know sorrow and I knew joy. In the grant scheme of everything, I wouldn’t change a thing,
14. Describe your most profound musical experience.
Most musical experiences are profound for me. But there are two that stand out. There was the moment Glen Hansard sang Birds of Sorrow and I cried for the first and only time at a concert.
There was the last time I saw Anathema and I did not feel anything at all, until I was in my car and broke down and cried.
15. What important classic book have you never read?
I tried reading classic books but never made it through any. Maybe I am not that clever?
16. What is your least-favorite food?
Brussel Sprouts
17. What movie, book or music always makes you cry?
Steel Magnolias.
Only Sarah Kuttner’s books made me cry because I can relate so much. Songs make me cry all the time. Listen to the Glen Hansard song above, from 3:20 I am crying and then I am bawling my eyes out. Every time. Another song that makes me cry is
and Say Something by James Harris (a cover)
18. What actor or actress do you have a crush on?
Rachel Adams, Matthew Rhys.
19. Would you rather be a vampire or a zombie? Why?
Actually, I like being mortal. But I think I would prefer to be a vampire. I could listen to music and read and see movies, fall in and out of love, move around. A zombie just exists for their next brain.
20. What book at home would you use to squash a bug?
Whichever book is between me and the bug. That said, I don’t kill any living thing, I just give them their freedom.
21. Which character would you like to be in “Harry Potter”?
Erm… not read the books, not seen the movies…
22. What song would you most like to sing on stage?
Against all odds by Phil Collins (cheesy, I know)
23. Do you like your name? What name would you prefer?
I like my name. Catherine. I am never called Catherine – only ever just Cathy (since my early childhood) but Catherine sounds nice in different languages. It’s not easy to botch it.
24. What do most people not know about you?
That I wrote poetry and that I am very sensitive
25. If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
Wales or somewhere where the sun shines a lot but the heat isn’t unbearable
26. If you could go back in time, where would you go?
I like the 1920s but only for rich people 🙂 Apart from that, I like our time, I like that we are connected and that we can make friends in different parts of the world with our words and screens.
27. What poems have you memorized? Recite one of them?
I don’t have any poems memorised, but my favourite poem is If you Forget me by Pablo Neruda First heard it here in this short film by Emma Holly Jones, and it was narrated by the absolutely brilliant Matthew Rhys how has the most amazing voice. And he is easy on the eyes.
28. Who in your life has made a strong impression on you?
Is it vain to say no-one?! I only have negative role models in my life. Though, I just thought about two women who, without knowing it, influenced my work (at the nursery) a lot. Nicole and Angelique.
29. Do you have a recurring dream? Describe it.
I am walking down a street and someone stops me. (mugs me?!) He puts a gun against my head. Sometimes I am sobbing and begging, other times I am not. He says “bang bang, you’re dead” and pulls the trigger. He laughs. Nothing happens afterwards. I am not killed, that much I know, but I have the dream quite often.
30. What epitaph would you like on your tombstone?
She cared a lot.
So, I replied to the thirty questions in a short time. There is a lot of music in it, many links, please take the time to take a look at them, and visit Bill’s post too. Any questions or thoughts?
Cheers,
Cathy
Just another manic Saturday
I am jumping from this to that, mostly because I feel like being in a bit of a manic phase tonight.
People ask: “How are you?”
My usual reply: “Fine, just tired.”
But these days, I am too exhausted to pretend and if I am asked how I am, I reply truthfully.
I am overwhelmed. Everything is too much. Too many feelings. Too many emotions. Too much pain. Too much of everything.
Most people have no idea what to do with this admission. But tonight, someone found words that got to me and helped me in some unexpected way.
I didn’t ask him if it is ok to share parts of our brief conversation, that’s why I keep him anonymous. Suffice to say, that he didn’t help me for the first time without doing it on purpose.
And it is too much… That’s still true. I think, it is a mix of mental health struggles and the constant pain in my shoulder getting the best of me. I have been lamenting since last November… I am still in a lot of pain. A simple touch or caress on the shoulder makes me move away from the touch. I had two MRTs and I will have the results on February 26th. Before that, I will work at least one double shift and I will go on a short trip to the Netherlands with my husband and kids.
I had new painkillers yesterday. So far, they only seem to work for 3 hours (maximum). I tried CBD, but that too doesn’t lower the pain levels (so far), it only makes me tired.
I am beyond exhausted. With everything. Sometimes I wish I could delete or erase myself as easily as I deleted my story… The muse got busy with other things and I realized that I lost my writing skills and talent… If found, please return to me. Thank you.
Dear readers…
… Some of you are regulars. Where are you from? Why should I move to your location, what would you change?
I know… There are only a handful of active readers, but I am looking forward to your replies in the comments.
Cathy from Luxembourg
