Flash #12

Dear Stranger

It has been a while. Lots happened, and yet, nothing changed. A lot has changed. The way we are together has changed. As if there is a friendship building. Slowly. And apart from the dirty fantasies and sex calls. It feels comforting. There are no expectations and no pressure. Just there. A while ago, this would not have been possible. A normal, real conversation would have been unthinkable. But it is not anymore. And I am grateful for that. I am not in love; you aren’t either. But there is connection and affection tinting our brief chats. For years, I wanted you to see me. And now, now you do. It took a pandemic to make you see me. It shouldn’t be like this, but it matters. It is important for me that you see me, and I feel serene when you are near.

Forever yours,

Sweetie

Dear Stranger

Already? Yes, there is a new short letter waiting for you. I don’t know who to tell that I am worried about you. I am worried about your health – physical and mental, and I am concerned that the recent happenings in the world are not helping you at all. I know you are alone in your apartment, probably half happy to be on your own and half needing someone to be there.

As so often, I tried to be there, but our schedules clashed. When you called at 5:30 this morning (my time), I was still asleep. I know, last time we spoke at that time – but I am not working right now; I sleep.

It was a weird coincidence that you called though – okay, yes, there was a message I’d sent yesterday and yet. Why weird? Well, I did not sleep well. I had vivid dreams of you.

In my dream, you simply appeared on my doorstep with two bags, a guitar, and a smile, declaring that you were here to live with my family and me. And you did. You just fit in. And when we had alone time, we’d kiss and fuck. It was not making love in my dream – it was fucking. The way we both like it. And there was that green hue in my dream, the one that always makes me feel as if you are there with me, ever since the very first time we spoke on the phone in 2015.

And a particular image stayed in my mind. You were pushing me against the nearest wall to kiss me… It’s a longing deep inside me, I know. I am yearning to be touched and to be kissed sensually.

I guess what the dream means is that I want to take care of you in my own unique way, while I know that I am only needed for you to feel less alone or to have your kinks tickled.

I know all that, and still, I miss you,

Sweetie

Dear Stranger

Happy New Year

Another new year for us isn’t it. Oh, and how this one started. You and me on the phone. I did not even think too long before sending my message to wish you a happy new year. And I did not expect to have an immediate response. And wow… It was an amazing start to the new year. And I just kept on floating on that feeling all day long. Parts of me hopes that it will set the tone for 2021, and part of me hopes that we can finally meet. I want to bury my nose against your neck and breathe you in until you become a part of me. I love you, stranger. With all my heart. Every day you are on my mind. And every time I write, you become a part of it.

Happy New Year, Stranger.

Forever yours,

Sweetie

About these letters to stranger

The first letter to stranger was written in 2015. But it was a one-off. In 2017 I took the idea up again, and since then, I regularly send a virtual and fictitious letter to stranger. I know exactly who Stranger is and I know who Sweetie is. But it is my creative choice to keep everyone in the dark. I don’t want to give more backstory than the one that can be found in the letters. At one point, I wanted Stranger to reply, but I decided against it. It is an unreciprocated love affair, about co-dependency too. From Sweetie’s words, you will probably assume that Stranger is a narcissist, and she is an empathetic people pleaser. Both of these characters are filled with qualities and flaws. And for people who know me or my words a bit, they will recognise some of me in Sweetie, mostly in the last letter I shared. (the shoulder pain, the Myers-Briggs test…)

I decided to give the letters more visibility with an own category and menu. If you click the menu, every letter will be displayed, in reverse chronological order – the last letter first.

Here’s a link for you: https://micqu.wordpress.com/category/letters-to-stranger/

I invite you to revisit these very short letters, I would love to have some feedback.

Dear Stranger

I cannot sleep, again.

We try avoiding topics like this, but it is because of my shoulder pain. I can not seem to find a comfortable position to sleep or rest, and in the evening, I am beginning to be a bit anxious about it. I keep watching reruns of ER, just to stay up and awake. Pathetic, right? But you know how I am.

Late at night, I often think about you. And I feel the need in my fingers to text you, 98% of the time, I resist. I know the rule – it’s you who gets in touch, not me. Because if I do, you tend to ignore me. I am passive-aggressive; I apologise. I am lonely but never alone. And I feel disconnected while I am connected to the world.

Do you remember May? We were so close back then. Both locked up in different countries but very close. “Marriage Material” that one is still a ghost in my mind. It felt as if you saw me for the first time because you described me quite well. That was before you vanished again until November. “Who cares?” Another one of those ghosts.

I took an official Myers-Briggs test. I am an INFP. Apparently they are quite rare. The description of me is spot on though. Creepy. But read for yourself:

https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality

Do you recognise me too?

I was thinking about Christmas and what I would get you if we exchanged gifts. I still have the same idea I had years ago, when our first Christmas happened. None of us got in touch, I think, but I can not be sure. I can not tell you about your present though, I don’t want to spoil it.

I am worried about you. About your asthma and if you keep taking your medication as advised. It is not my place to worry, but I am doing it anyway.

Most people come and go. And when they go, they rarely come back. You always come back. There is a bond, invisible, but there. It is what makes me write these letters. It is what makes you wonder if you feel too much.

When we are together, I love you. When you visit in my dreams, I love you.

I miss you tonight…

Yours, Sweetie

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Readers are rolling their eyes and thinking, “again? When will it stop?!”
Probably never. Because you are the one who said that I was the only one to fill the holes in your mind, in your heart, and in your body. You are the one who cried when I said that I would always be there for you and when you admitted you felt abject loneliness without me. You are the one who said that I am marriage material, that I deserve better in my life. You are the one who said in no uncertain terms that you would never forget me. (as long as there is cum in my balls…) You stranger, are the one who asked why it was so hard to forget me. You are the one who says you love me, even though you insisted that you could never love anyone. You are who I need for two moments of serenity and happiness in my life. But you are also the one who planted the seed in me that nothing matters, all is a fantasy, and that you don’t and never care-d about me. And you are the one who ignored me for weeks before and after we were supposed to meet. You are the one ghosting me for months and then popping up in my emails, reminding me of a contract I once wrote for us. And me?
I am the one who takes whatever you have to offer. I am the one who understands your situation. I am the one who knows which buttons to push and who allows you to push my buttons. I am the one who longs for your voice on the phone and who also hates our calls. In the end, dear stranger, I am the only one who always stayed by your side. And you know that I know your good, bad, and your ugly sides. I have experienced you at your lowest and when you were down… and I got glimpses of your happiness too. I am there when you are all alone and stressed, and when the tough times are too much for you. I am always there… and I think that it would be better to be less available. It would be better for you, and certainly better for myself too – although we both know that it is easier to cope with it now than it was years ago. Could you imagine?! I am still and always your most perfect girl… 11 years younger, but exactly who you need for your mind and body.

Sleep tight,
Your Sweetie

Dear Stranger…

How many times did I tell you goodbye just to realise how much I miss you in my life? It has been a week since I told you that I don’t need you anymore, and I still believe it is true. But today, I miss you. From one moment to the next, I felt this longing to hold you and to listen to you. It was as if a wave of “you” pulled me under when I got ready for bed. I had some of your words in my head “something clicked, profoundly” and another that still makes me overthink: “without you, I feel abject loneliness”. I remember that conversation very well. It was the first time you cried with me, and I promised that I would always be there for you and that I would wait for you, no matter how long it would take for you to love me.

I don’t know. I mean, I deserve love, and I deserve to be cherished and valued. But I am also loyal. And maybe I am more loyal to the memory and fantasy of us than to our reality. We were nothing in reality. At the same time, I only ever wanted to be your everything. I never wanted to save you; I wanted to support you and help you through the muddy waters of life. Not because I have the insight and knowledge, but because I thought we would fit and complete each other. I was deluding myself. We both know that. I allowed you to manipulate me and to make me the person you wanted me to be. And when you were done grooming me, you were not interested anymore. The ghosting and gaslighting was always the most challenging part of us. It is easier nowadays because I recognise my worth and value a lot more now. When we met, I was a naive and shy girl. Now I am a woman who knows what she wants and needs.

Tonight, I need you. The memories of us.

Dear stranger, some days, I am convinced that you ruined me for everyone who is willing to love me. Other days, I know that I would not be who I am without your input and impulse. I am just tired of looking up at the statue of you that which I put high on a pedestal. I am a short woman; I can not reach those expectations; I am doomed to fail.

I want and need you to remember me. I remember you.

Yours, Sweetie.

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Five years ago, you entered my life and changed everything. Months of euphoria and months of suicidal depression followed you. I don’t give you credit. Not for the good and not for the bad. It was all in me from the start. We haven’t been in touch since last May, but I never forgot or forget you. You are still under my skin, and that is where you belong.

I am not as influenced by your presence or lack thereof as I once was.

In hindsight, I think I made peace with you when you said I should use cocaine to lose weight, and once achieved, you would make love to me on your piano.

The fantasy of this is beautiful to be honest, but there is one hitch: I am not willing to change for anyone. Not anymore. I will not bend backwards to become something or someone I am not. Love me for the person I am. That was all I ever asked. But I was never enough… And now, I think, finally, I moved on. I still care about you and your well-being but not enough to wait for you.

And so, dear stranger, on our fifth anniversary, I will tell you one last time how much you mean to me and how much I love you. But I will also tell you: goodbye. See you in another life.

Your Sweetie

Insomnia, dear stranger

It’s 2:45 in the morning, and I am wide awake. This hasn’t happened in a while and I feel how my mood is changing. I am irritated with myself because I am to blame for tonight’s insomnia. I was tired but had an appointment tonight. I thought it would be good to have a cup of coffee. I should have drunk espresso instead. No matter how many espressos (espressi?) I drink in the evening, I always sleep through the night.

Also, it is hot, my partner had too much beer (TMI: his farting keeps me awake), and I need to get up for work in three hours.

I tried avoiding my phone for a long while, but gave up eventually. I probably had 2 hours of sleep so far.

On a positive note, I sold two books, and the more I think about it, the happier I about the release. Just 3 more hours at work, and I will be on leave until August 25th. I bought a dress for a wedding, it is unusually colourful, but I look good in it. Waiting for the first review of my novel.

Most of my thoughts these days revolve about the novel and how readers perceive it.

I should try to catch some sleep.

***

Dear Stranger,

It is late, and I can’t sleep. You were on my mind these last days. A lot. All the time. It is good that we are strangers right now, but once in a while, I would love it if we were acquaintances again. Ah, stranger. If you only knew what I know. Am I awake in your dreams? Some nights, I dream myself away to you. My head on your chest, your fingers combing my hair. Sweaty from the day, our skin would stick together, and unbothered, we would lead a naked life. Naked body, naked soul. I close my eyes, and I see you. Always yours, “marriage material”

3:32 – goodnight

Dear stranger,

Who would have guessed five years ago that our dance would still continue? Months of silence, weeks of unconditional love. Who would have guessed? One of the voices in my head insists that it is not five years because we have silent months, and yet… We always find our way back together.

I obviously won’t forget you, why should I? And you can not forget me; why should you?

Whenever things are happening in my life, I want you to know. I want to get in touch and tell you, but I don’t. I hold back. Recently, I learned that I am holding back much more than I thought I was. It’s weird, and yet… I still maintain that you are the only person on this earth who knows me bare. You are also the only person who never judged me, just encouraged me to be the best version of myself I can be. And for that, dear stranger, I love you. And I will continue to feel that way.

Are you there? You used to ask that question. My response was always the same: I will always be there. Promised.

Yours sincerely,

Sweetie