I cannot sleep, again.
We try avoiding topics like this, but it is because of my shoulder pain. I can not seem to find a comfortable position to sleep or rest, and in the evening, I am beginning to be a bit anxious about it. I keep watching reruns of ER, just to stay up and awake. Pathetic, right? But you know how I am.
Late at night, I often think about you. And I feel the need in my fingers to text you, 98% of the time, I resist. I know the rule – it’s you who gets in touch, not me. Because if I do, you tend to ignore me. I am passive-aggressive; I apologise. I am lonely but never alone. And I feel disconnected while I am connected to the world.
Do you remember May? We were so close back then. Both locked up in different countries but very close. “Marriage Material” that one is still a ghost in my mind. It felt as if you saw me for the first time because you described me quite well. That was before you vanished again until November. “Who cares?” Another one of those ghosts.
I took an official Myers-Briggs test. I am an INFP. Apparently they are quite rare. The description of me is spot on though. Creepy. But read for yourself:
Do you recognise me too?
I was thinking about Christmas and what I would get you if we exchanged gifts. I still have the same idea I had years ago, when our first Christmas happened. None of us got in touch, I think, but I can not be sure. I can not tell you about your present though, I don’t want to spoil it.
I am worried about you. About your asthma and if you keep taking your medication as advised. It is not my place to worry, but I am doing it anyway.
Most people come and go. And when they go, they rarely come back. You always come back. There is a bond, invisible, but there. It is what makes me write these letters. It is what makes you wonder if you feel too much.
When we are together, I love you. When you visit in my dreams, I love you.
I miss you tonight…