Reading list

Next on my reading list are two independent authors. River Dixon and Harrison Kavanaugh. Which books are on your bedside table? Do you even still read paperbacks? By the way, after a long dry spell, I sold 4 copies of my book “Unquiet Minds” in July. Enjoy your weekend.

xx

Cathy

Eyes closed, fantasy on

I was sprawled in a t-shirt and panties on the couch when you came in. My day had been long, and all I wanted was some time without responsibilities or demands. Mind off. I smelled the smoke, alcohol, and sweat from where I was lunging; raising an eyebrow but keeping my mouth shut, I smirked. You looked delicious. Like sex on legs. I knew better than to distract you with non-sense when you came home from work late at night in this state. I kept my eyes on the TV show that hadn’t kept my attention at all, but it had kept me company when you were at work. I licked my lips. Your mere presence did things to me.

You shrugged out of your jacket and hung it on the back of a chair before you flopped down next to me on the couch, yawning loudly. Our thighs were touching, and your presence became more than you sitting next to me. I could feel you around me, invading my mind, and the need to feel you in me rose.

You took the remote control and muted the TV. I looked at you, not sure about your expectations. Your eyes scrutinized me, stripping me as you took in my sight. I was not presentable anymore – I was lazy and enjoying my night on my own. Dressed in a bare minimum and with my hair in disarray, I became aware of how unattractive I looked. In a weak attempt to straighten my appearance, I ran my hands through my hair, closed my legs, and tried to find another position, arranging my limbs differently. You chuckled, and hooking your arms under my knees; you pulled me down on the couch and closer to your wanting body – without question not warning.

I saw it in your eyes, the familiar heat. And I knew I was lost. I was drowning in the black depth of your eyes. Nothing could prevent the inevitable.

You were everywhere. One moment we sat on the couch, the next your body covered mine. My clothes were removed with an urgency that left no place for doubt – you wanted to make me cum. And I had no other choice than to endure your sweet torture.

You pulled your belt from your jeans and tied my hands together. Growling, you took my mouth with yours. There was no finesse, no tenderness. I was your toy.

Your tongue began a trail down my heated skin. And I let it happen. Too wrapped up in past memories – past climaxes; the anticipation aroused me more than your demanding kisses or your calloused hands did.

Your fingers found my soaking wet sex and entered me with ease. I was ready for you, willing you to love me. You hit that one spot inside of me that made my breath hitch and my back arch. Gasping, my body tried to suck you in, to coax more pleasure from you. But you denied it. At your mercy, I was begging, pleading… The heat. The tingle. The building orgasm that was consuming me, and yet, it was just out of reach. It was just a flick of your tongue away. I was sweating; my hands tried to claw at something, anything within reach, but your belt around my wrists – the restraint prevented it. And it frustrated me.

“Please, ” I panted. Your tongue replaced your fingers, lapping at my pussy, your hands squeezed my breasts. The wave of pleasure made goosebumps rise all over my body. And I gave in. I voiced my imminent release, spurring you on, praising you, cursing, moaning, growling, asking you to allow me some release.

Relentless, you kept sucking and kissing and licking me. Everything in me tensed, my cunt quivered, my clit couldn’t take the onslaught of your tongue anymore, and I exploded. My back arched, my knees pulled back… Throbbing, shaking – I came for you. Blinded by pleasure, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think. I wasn’t sure if I was still existing or if I had burst into fragments of myself.

My orgasm was endless, and you didn’t let go. I came, again and again, unable to catch my breath, unable to pull myself together.

Under you, I came undone. Under your thumb, I lost control. And while I was still recovering from one, two, many climaxes, you filled me with your cock.

Kissing me, I tasted myself on your tongue. I wrapped my legs around your hips, urging you to move faster. I couldn’t decide what was more intoxicating: your sweat, our sex, the silent noise around us… It didn’t matter, all that mattered was the hard and fast in and out and the sounds our bodies made.

I was made to please you. And I came again, like a shock wave, I took you with me. I felt the spasms in me, and I opened my eyes just in time to see the pure you. There were no masks, no hiding, just the truth about you.

We became one. You in me. You my future. And all I wanted was to love you. Fragile. Vulnerable. Craving you. Submitting to you.

You released the restraints around my wrists, and I fell back against the couch again. Boneless. You followed me. The weight of your spent body crushed me, but I knew you needed this. I was not sure if you were sobbing or chuckling with your face buried against my neck, but I held you close. Our skins dried and were stuck together – yes, we were one. Pure. My hands roamed up and down your back. “I got you, ” I whispered.

Exhausted, we made our way to the bathroom to clean up. I loved dominating quickies like the one we had just shared. And I loved you because whenever we were together, you sent me to heaven, and when we were apart, I was in hell. 💜

It was me

I am looking at you with new eyes
Trying to understand who is hiding under this disguise
Was it me all along?
And what about that new song?

I am standing in the rain
Hoping that it will wash my blindness down the drain
Was it me all along?
And were your emotions that strong?

I am listening to your voice
Hearing that you never had any other choice
Was it me all along?
And were all the others wrong?

I am melting against your touch
Understanding what you confessed; very much
It was me all along!
And in your arms, I do belong!

To drown or to swim

I was drowning but taught myself how to swim

I had all the tools I needed locked somewhere within

It was hard to breathe, to move, and to be

But finally, the ocean released me; free.

I was emerging stronger and brighter than before

I fought hard until I reached the safe shore

The change didn’t happen over night, and I am afraid it will not last;

But there is light, even though I remember the past.

I am afraid to rise and to fall; to lose it all

There is a crack in the wall; and right now, it is still small

But someday, I will be freed of my mind and not hiding within

Although I know well that to drown is easier than to swim.

Too hot to keep cool

I am clueless. Very often. What is happening?

And what the hell will happen to humanity if we keep going on like this?

The answer is: I don’t know. (Quote from one of my favourite movies: Reality Bites, I need to watch it again soon)

Fucking hell… I am speechless when I see the megalomaniac people, the egocentric ones, the selfish ones. Hate seems to be more valued than love, negativity is praised and “cool”, while positivity is weak and spiritual hippie crap. On the other side, being frail is accepted, flaws are welcome. Mental health issues are en vogue and everywhere and almost worn as a badge, as well as negated and diminished in the same conversation.

The world is full of complexities and opposites, and I am clueless about how to navigate them and about what will happen to us in these times of turmoil.

We will all go down. Fuck me… No one gets out of here alive.

But I am realizing more and more that serenity helps us get past any obstacles.

Most things are in our head, and reacting negatively makes everything worse instead of better. But positivity is so scarce these days, and, I, for one, have not learnt and experienced a lot of positivity in my formative years.

My mind is all over the place. And I am clueless. I often am. How can we sit back and watch as the world turns itself to dust?

What are you doing to make a change?

Me? I watch what I consume, recycle all my waste, take care of the environment, reduce the use of plastic… And, I work at a nursery where I try to educate the kids and share my values.

I also share my liberal values with my kids. I have discussions with them, explaining why I do the things in my own special way.

Yes, I am odd, but I am unique, and no matter how low my self-esteem can be, I also know that my presence enriches the life of everyone who is invited to walk on a part of their journey next to me.

It is too hot to keep cool…

Cathy

Dear stranger…

Holy fucking hell; I miss you more than I ever knew. I saw someone crossing the street today; he looked like you: the same curls, the same pale skin, the same walk, the same posture. My heart went like mad. Eyes wide and wild, I had troubles to get my car in gear again. But, fuck me, I began longing for you; for your voice.

The moment I could think straight again, I reminded myself that it had not been you, crossing the street. You are in the UK, sound-checking for your upcoming show.

But man, I miss you. Most days, I don’t. Most days, I am indifferent, because yearning for your touch makes me feel empty and numb. Other days, it feels as if I cannot breathe because you are not here. You weren’t here for a long, long while.

I am fine without you. Seeing your doppelganger threw me for a loop though. And so, I did what I can do without calling or sending a text. I checked social media channels for your face; I listened to old interviews, and I floated in a serene mindset listening to your music. It is all I can get; it is all I am asking for. At times likes these, I am glad that you are visible and that I can get my fix (like an addict) without you noticing.

Of course, I also write these letters. Not that you will ever read them, stranger, but my thoughts can soar free like an eagle like this, instead of being trapped in a cage.

I don’t like to be trapped, but I want to believe that you waste one or two thoughts on me too, once in a while.

When we spent time together, life was good. When we went our different ways, I was devastated and wanted to die. I am not writing this to put pressure on you, and I am sharing this to show you how dependent I was on you.

You made me, and you broke me.

It’s been a long while. And these days, I look back on what we had with a smile. You were there and showed me what passion and love is. You told me that I am worth to be loved – and I believed you; still do.

There are moments like today, when I wish we could be together, but then, a couple of hours later, I remember that we are too codependent and that our deep emotions are dangerous for our sanities.

Maybe I am in advantage because you are a public person and if I want, I can see you.

I want you to be happy – I know you are not because you still think that you don’t deserve it, but you do.

Still and always yours,

Sweetie

Yesterday (movie)

I went to see Yesterday today. And what can I say? I am torn. On one hand, the movie is funny and filled with music we know and love. On the other hand, there are too many questions left unanswered. In the end, I can say that I enjoyed “Yesterday”. I liked the main actor, and his singing voice was very pleasant. It is a typical Richard Curtis movie… And it reminds you that a world without the Beatles would be empty and silent. Then again, if we never knew they existed, we wouldn’t miss them.

Go see that movie, if you have a chance, but don’t question it too much. It’s only entertainment.