Keep your love alive

I love my husband; I really do. For me, he is the best person there is. Patient, funny, and he has amazing green eyes. I feel safe with him, but free too. I have the freedom to be who I am and to find out who I want to be. I can explore likes and dislikes and even people, and I can talk about anything and everything with him. For him, I am an open book, I cannot lie to him, and I cannot keep secrets from him. Although I admit, I don’t tell him everything either. I fell in love with my husband 19 years ago. And I will never leave him by choice. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. Sometimes we are at a restaurant, talking and talking and laughing for hours, and we look at other couples staring at their mobile phones or not talking at all – we imagine how long they have been together.

(…)

I would love to share a picture of us, but I made a conscious decision long ago not to share pics of my family online. It is my choice to expose myself on this blog, not theirs.

Keep your love alive. 💜

xx

Randomness

I have a few passions… Writing, reading, and music.

I have an extensive collection of CDs, and it is growing steadily. Music is a must in my life. It calms me, helps my moods… It keeps me a little saner.

Since a couple of years, I am listening to vinyl. On the above picture is my vinyl collection. I keep it in a treasure chest. On the left is the pile I inherited from my mum. On the right is the pile of records I bought for myself or received as a gift.

My collection is not huge, but eclectic and it keeps growing. I love it.

💜

Period.

Dear readers, if women and their monthly ordeal is nothing you want to read about, then please skip this post. If you are curious, don’t say you haven’t been warned; this is about a woman’s period.

I am a 36-year-old woman who gave birth to three children — the natural way. (Maybe I will write about the births of my kids one day – spoiler: fucking hell, it hurt!)

Every woman is blessed (cursed) with a week of menstrual flow each month. For me, it started when I was 11 years old. I remember the day very well, even 25 years later. I wonder if every woman does. I had my first period the day that I was allowed to go shopping with my sister on my own for the first time. We met with her friend and two guys. I even know that I wore jeans and a T-shirt with Michaelangelo’s painting of the Sistine Chapel. One of the guys pointed out that there was a naked dude on my shirt… Lol, he was only 15, of course, he was shocked, and I felt very grown up.

I started with using pads, but I didn’t like it: the mess and all; it was a lot to handle, and I was still a child. I was reluctant to use tampons at first… The thought about inserting anything “down there” was not something I could imagine. But once I started using them, I actually preferred them to pads. I felt better with them. More secure. And if they are worn correctly, you don’t even feel that there is something inside your body. I was blessed to have a light flow without cramps before I gave birth for the first time. (PMS, though that has been a tough one from the beginning, and I am full of cravings for chocolate, even though I don’t usually have a sweet tooth) My cycle was never just 28 days long as you learn in school, but that’s okay; I got used to it quickly. I was on the pill for quite a while, but I definitely stopped taking any hormones after the birth of my second child. Everything in my body was rebellious, and nothing was normal anymore… After a birth like the second, who can blame it?! I was in labour for 5 hours and only had one real contraction before the girl was born. After that, I had a laughing fit. Between child two and three, I didn’t really care about contraception. And after my second daughter (and last child) was born, I got an IUD. Currently, the one I have is made of gold. Lol… Not even kidding. Because I am worth it!

With the IUD, my monthly flow became more prominent, lasting longer, and I also developed cramps and other pains. PMS stayed the same… I am really very angry and irritated the day before I get my period; and chocolate! Who ate my chocolate?!

A couple of months ago, I began thinking about all the pads and tampons that I used and will use in my life. (I get those brainfarts once in a while.) I mean, I probably have 15 more years to go before menopause will start (or more). Sanitary products are expensive and a massive source of plastic waste. I am not someone who is militant about protecting the environment – I admit it, but I try to live a conscious life and to teach my children to live conscious lives too. I want to leave a good planet for my kids and grandkids. And just all that monthly trash – it is a lot. To think that I have two daughters and sooner rather than later, they will need pads or tampons too, they will make more waste and spend more money on hygienic products too. Is that really worth it? There must be something else.

I was searching the almighty and all-knowing interwebs to find a solution, and I found the menstrual cup. I was sceptical. I found out that there are two sizes – for women who have given birth and for those who haven’t. There are various materials available, and contradictory information too. I read a lot about it and did my research (I always do), but something that kept me personally from getting such a cup on the spot was the fact that I am wearing an IUD. A couple of sites advise against using a cup and an IUD because the cup is held in place with a vacuum. They are concerned that once you remove the cup without removing the vacuum, the IUD could come loose.

I decided to ask my gynaecologist about it, and she explained to me that it is practically impossible to pull the IUD out with the vacuum. Needless to say, I was relieved. She gave me a couple of tips and a brand of menstrual cups that is silicone free. I ordered one right away online and began using it this week. And this brings me here, to this moment. I never thought that I would write about my period one day, but I am so excited this month, that I want to share it. Honestly though, who cares? Who cares that the cup is so much easier to use than I ever thought? No leaks, no spills, nothing. I don’t feel that it is there at all. The only disadvantage I experienced until now is the fact that the toilet looks as if I slaughtered an animal when I empty the cup (It can take up to 12 hours worth of flow… Three times as much as a tampon for me… Cost effective!) I have yet to find a way to make it less messy. Because no matter how you do it, you will come in contact with your blood; you will have to touch and insert your fingers into your vagina to loosen the cup or to put it in. If you are uncomfortable with that, the cup is not for you. Definitely. But honestly, this is your body, nothing about it should be gross, even less something that happens every month. It is another way of getting to know yourself better.

What I like, is that I don’t have to think about changing a tampon at work or when I am not home. I don’t have to think about leaks or spills – on heavy flow days I have to change my tampon every three hours (and I am using big ones, lol), the cup took six hours and more, with ease before I emptied it. I will not have to worry if I carry tampons in my handbag or if I forgot them. I will not have to worry anymore if I have what I need at home, in case the period starts earlier than expected. (When I was younger, I had to count the days on the calendar to know when my period was due. Since 2011, I am using an app on my phone that has a countdown. I love it. Very easy.) The cup seems to be the right solution for me right now.

I can recommend the menstrual cup wholeheartedly. If you are tired of pads and tampons; if you believe that it is a waste of money and doesn’t do any good for the planet, then consider a menstrual cup. That said, the first days I used a pad because I didn’t trust the cup. I was paranoid about leaks and blood stains on my clothes.

I cannot make any promises to you about how you will feel with the cup, but since I am a person who likes everything fast and easy and simple, and the cup is just that for me; maybe it is an alternative worth thinking about for you too. And hey, if it is not, then there was no harm done.

So, that was it. My ode to the menstrual cup. It is 3:46 in the morning, I have a migraine (again), I am tired, and I can’t sleep because of RLS (restless legs syndrome) – I wasn’t bothered with that in a while… Maybe my tired mind just wanted to get rid of all these thoughts, and this post will be incredibly embarrassing in the morning when I get up. Maybe not. Maybe it was necessary to write something like this for once — an other genre of stream of consciousness.

TC

Piano Day 2019

It’s the 88th day of the year, that means it is piano day. Nils Frahm invented piano day, and it is on the 88th day because there are 88 keys on a piano.

And in honour of this day, I am sharing this with you.

Weikie (Adam Weikert) – Lantern

And I urge you to listen to James Radcliffe. If you follow this link, you will be able to find extraordinary blog posts and beautiful and intense music.

I wish you a beautiful day filled with good thoughts and beautiful music.

Day 3

Last day of my sick leave. A day filled with coughing and sniffing comes to a close. Dizziness and tiredness were added to the mix tonight. At least I ate. Spaghetti with Garlic and Olive Oil. Spicy of course. I like it spicy.

Tomorrow I am back at work. Medicated. Earliest shift at 7am.

I feel the need to apologise a bit for these last entries… I am not inspired to write. At all. I used to have a routine where I got up, wrote for an hour and then did whatever needed to be done. That was before I started work. Right now, I am too tired to write anything in the style of what I used to write. I miss that. I read one of my old stories during my sick leave. Actually, it’s a story with three parts. And they are good. They are entertaining. Of course, they need work here and there, my English improved and feels less forced here or there, but that’s beside the point. I am a writer. A damned good one at that, but life got in the way of me and my creativity.

By the way… I haven’t sold a copy of my poetry collection in 8 months. (And not one through this site) If you like my poetry, consider the purchase of my book.

Thank you. And Good night.

Logbook

Day 2 of sick leave

Nose is either runny or congested, and my throat is sore. My voice would be perfect for phone sex. Sleeping a lot. Not eating at all. Nothing but rubbish on Netflix and TV. I need some pity.

Tomorrow is Wednesday; last day of sick leave

I like to support independent musicians, but it is an uncomfortable feeling when those musicians keep whining about how much they hate creating or how much they hate their creations. It makes me feel as if by supporting them, I am making them miserable. Makes me want to stop supporting them to take the pressure off. But if I stopped giving monthly money, they would feel bad too.

Damned if you do, damned of you don’t.

Is there such a thing as coincidence?

Tonight, I went to dinner with my sister and my dad. Including kids and partners, we were eight people. It was the first time that I had Chinese food with my dad. So… We were at the restaurant when he announced that his cousin from Italy was in town and that he would join us for dinner. Fine by me, even though I don’t speak any Italian. But I am not phased. I have my sister who I adore and who I haven’t seen in months to talk to. (Technically she is my half sister)

We ate, we drank, we laughed, and we spoke with hands and feet, bits of English, lots of Italian and Portuguese. Just the usual for a casual dinner with the family. We talked and talked until my dad explained to the Italian cousin that my husband works for a Luxembourgish hosting firm. And this is when it got weird.

The cousin – let’s call him Tonio asked if Pat is working for this or that firm. The answer was yes. Does he know a man called F.M.? Again, yes.

How are the odds?

The Italian man had transferred his web domains via my husband’s firm. Even weirder, my husband and the Italian have been in daily contact since Monday, writing emails back and forth to make everything run smoothly. And now, on a Friday night, without being the wiser and without having met before tonight, they are having dinner together. At a Chinese restaurant, none of them has visited before.

I don’t believe this was a coincidence. Tonio and Patrick were meant to meet.

This earth is a small place indeed.