how to mend a broken heart

 

How to mend a broken heart (written by micqu/ CT)

 

Listening to your even breath

peaceful as it is

not revealing the tormented soul

underneath

 

if I could

I would

but tell me, how can I mend

your broken heart?

 

Your whispers sound like cries

searching for and exit

speaking of unseen hurt and a lost

love

 

if I could

I would

but tell me, how can I mend

your broken heart?

 

If I could

I would take your pain away

if I could I would make you mine to stay

 

through your tears

I recognize you

for years I waited for you

to hold you close

 

and if I could

I would

and now I know how to mend

your broken heart!

 

 

(this will at some point be included in my story for Darragh and Callum)

Becoming Darragh

this is Darragh and Callum’s story so far, it was written for love bingo on LiveJournal.com . Darragh and Callum are mine and mine alone, they were created in my own mind. The finished 20 chapter long story can be found under the name of ‘a long journey to love’ on wattpad.com

Becoming Darragh

Darragh sat on his worn guitar case and waited. He waited for the storm to come and for the crowd to go wild. He waited for the moment he became Hawk, for the adrenaline to pump him up like every time he went on stage. But right now, Darragh needed two minutes of peace and quiet before going up on stage and giving his soul to the screaming audience. Something was off, something didn’t feel right anymore.

This was his job. It has been for the last six years. From one moment to the next, he suddenly was a megastar and all he had done, was doing what he loved; writing songs and singing them. Now, this was what paid his bills and while some people would give their right leg to be in his place, he hated every single moment of it. The illusions were lost and the dreams were dreamed. All he ever wanted was strumming his guitar, singing his songs and having fun, he didn’t want anything else and certainly he didn’t want to be the moneymaking machine of a greedy record company CEO.

When ‘the Boings’ started to get some recognition – he and his band – it was like having finally found the holy grail. People recognized him on the street, they liked his songs and his voice and they treated him with respect and some of them were very reverent while others knew no boundaries. He still shuddered at the memory of hearing himself on the radio of the first time.

It was the best feeling when he stood on stage in a small club, surrounded by his friends and the audience was singing his songs. It was a dream that slowly became a nightmare.

Everything was business now and the passion and fun he once felt with his mates was gone. The downwards spiral started spinning the moment, the record company started meddling, replacing musicians and kicking out the original members of the band one by one, until only Darragh was left and he was made the sole front man. He had never wanted to stand in front of his friends, he had never had the intention to get more attention than his friends, the only thing he had always wanted for him and the band was to be equals and have fun. The pressure to deliver a good performance and milk some more money out of the crowd started becoming too much to bear and the constant unease did the rest. Friends became foes and jealousy divided the band furthermore. Today, Darragh was on no speaking terms with his old friends and the knowledge that it was because of his personal success lay heavy on his chest.

Continue reading “Becoming Darragh”

runaway

runaway (written by me micqu/CT)

 

I’m running away from myself

as fast as I can

but I can never hide

 

somewhere someone is thinking about you, you said

somewhere someone is dreaming about you, you said

but it doesn’t help

I’m still on the run

 

and as I fall into oblivion

my own worst enemy chases me down

catching me, she smiles at me through the mirror

I am nothing with you

I am nothing without you

 

you can’t run away from me

but in the end we all die alone

I have never met you, but I want you

I have never met you, but I want you (written by CT/micqu)

 

 

you left me breathless

you left me restless

I have never met you, but I want to

 

you are not messing with my head

dusting away the cobwebs instead

I have never met you, but I want to

 

you kept me longing for summer days

pain and hurt sweeping by in a haze

I have never met you, but I want to

 

you make me feel like a rose in bloom

like I am the most beautiful one in the room

I have never met you, but I want to

 

I have never met you, but I want to

soulmate

I have never met you, but I want you

What I want!

I want to be somebody

because I was always overlooked before

I want to be somebody

so bad – that it makes me scream

 

I want to feel something

because I feel so hollow

I want to feel something

before my story ends

 

I want to be somewhere

where I find myself

I want to be somewhere

somewhere safe – to put my memories on a shelf

 

I want to love someone

who loves me in return

I want to be someone

someone who you can believe in

 

I want to be madly and passionately in love. I want to be less sad. I want to be an optimist. I want to think less. I want a man who cares about me. I want my writing to be famous (at least the powerful one). I want someone famous to read one of my songs/poems and use them. I want to be seen. I want to stay hidden. I want to be free. I want to be alone. I want to never be alone. I want to turn back time. I want to travel in time. I want to undo situations. I want to redo situations. I want to be young. I want to be old. I want to be beautiful. I want people to take me seriously. I want to be somewhere else. I want to vanish. I want to waste my time. I want to daydream. I want a future. I want to be freed of the past. I want to trust you. I want you to trust me too. I want to laugh with you. I want to make you laugh. I want you to make me laugh. I want to cry. I want to cry with you. I want you to make me cry. I want to be merciful. I want to be special. I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring. I want to be at peace. I want to stay melancholic. I want you to recognize me. I want to be talented. I don’t want to hide. I want to stay compassionate. I want to stay confused and amazed about the world and people. I want to keep contradicting myself. I want to live. I want to be me. I want to know me. I want you to know me. I want to be interested. I want to be interesting. I want to find me. I want to step into the light. I want to stay in my darkness. I want to go out of my mind. I want to stay who I am. I want…

 

with a few lines of want I revealed myself… I am not complicated at all.

GO SEE MAXIMILIAN HECKER & FELIX RÄUBER!! NOW!!!

(Sorry that I shouted at you)

I have NEVER been at a concert like this. I am mind-blown. It’s… I can’t find words for all the emotions that are flooding my system.

Okay. The location. It was a bar. plain and simple. a stage was build with Maximilian’s piano and Felix’s guitars at the far end.

we come in twenty minutes before the show was set to start. we sit at a table and I look to my left and there is Felix. what a gorgeous man. he was eating a meal, enjoying a glass of wine. I knew who he was, but I was too shy to talk to him. (later I wasn’t shy anymore… and no, I didn’t drink 🙂  )

the bar fills slowly, very slowly until there are +/- 40 people (later we counted how many we were). 30minutes after schedule, Felix and Maximilian walk through the ‘crowd’ and on to the stage.

from where I sat, I couldn’t see Maximilian, but hearing was enough to touch me. BUT Felix… wow, he really threw me of my chair. he has such a range of voice and he is such a small man. where does he get his voice from? I fell in love today…

the music was perfect. emotional. the location was intimate. the audience was reserved.

mid-concert Felix left the stage for Maximilian to take over himself. he sang one song and another one and at the third he messed up. he stopped playing, stopped singing and since I didn’t see him, I could only hear his heavy breathing. It was as if he was crying. I would have loved to jump up and take him in my arms. tell him that everything was alright. he tried again and again until he finally stumbled through the song.

after that, he got up and read a chapter of his book ‘the rise and fall of Maximilian Hecker’ and you could see tension slip from his body again. he seems so shy and unsure for someone who does this for almost 15years.

Felix rejoins Maxi on stage again. he comes into the bar and he sings, without a microphone, he sings while walking ‘through the crowd’ (past the people sitting, watching and waiting) it was amazing. then he sings a song that was originally meant for Robbie Williams, who didn’t like the song. It was way too complicated for Robbie to sing anyway 😉 . I can tell you that. and it was perfect for Felix.

another 3 songs and it’s already the end. they play 3 encores and after that, Felix leaves the stage to set up a merch stand, Maximilian sings the song he messed up earlier again. he seems to be a perfectionist.

the lights come on and Maximilian runs out of the bar. he runs and doesn’t come back for 15min, while Felix is selling Maxi’s CDs, book, vinyls… it was strange.

We walk up to Felix too, my friend to buy a CD and I to get my ticket signed. (Felix signed with a dedication *swoon*) we talked a little (yes, me and my friend, we were the last ones in line) about languages and music and I asked him if he had a professional vocal training, which he denied. and he asks if I thought that because he sounds like and angel. (yes he does, but he must get that a lot) but it was more the range he has, from deep to very high, almost opera that was inspiring. he laughed shyly and thanked me.

next, we went to Maximilian to get our things signed. I said to him that he played a real good concert even with the slip-ups. he looks me straight in the eye and starts to stammer. what slip-up did you mean? the big one or the smaller ones. I said the big one, the smaller ones we could simply forget. I told him that I didn’t see him from where I sat and that it sounded like he was crying and the moment it left my mouth I cursed myself. but he still talked and I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. it was really awkward. a real foot-in-mouth moment. It reminded me that I better keep my mouth shut when nervous… Did I really just tell Maximilian Hecker, that I think he is a crybaby?! NOOOOOO!! that wasn’t my intention.

my friend made fun of me, that I broke poor Maximilian Hecker. I was joking. wasn’t he? insecurities? where are you tonight? oh- there you are! I missed you! NOT!

at home I started my laptop and went to twitter. I follow him, he follows me too, he follows most of his followers. I send him a DM, apologizing and reassuring him, that it was a very very good gig. 5min later I have a reply: thank you so much for your kind words. love, Maximilian
(loose translation)

now, I can sleep in peace. If he is really that shy and insecure, than I made his day. I am sure of that. he plays a not-so-great concert, with 36 people (we counted them) and I slap him like that. I am a bad person. at least he accepted my apologies. I can’t believe that I said that to him. You sounded like you were crying… please earth, swallow me whole. or turn back time so that I can undo that moment.

Image

I am SORRY Maximilian. (and if you ever come across this post, please let me know… there are many ways to contact me, some of them are listed at the ‘about’ page and the other possibility would be facebook. (provided you still have our messages)

go see those gifted men. they are passionate, they are fun and they know what they do. WOW! 🙂

good night and read you later

give me your hand

give me your hand (written by micqu)

 

give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll catch you when you fall

 

I’ll never let you down

I’ll never run from you

I’ll never give up on you

 

give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll protect you from your demons

 

I’ll never let them in

I’ll never make you cry

I’ll never let go of your hand

 

give me your hand

give me your hand

and I’ll stay at your side

gone

gone (written by micqu)

 

why can’t you come back?

you left me in a dark hole

scars haven’t closed the wounds and hurt you left behind

there is no peace yet

I know, time will heal my sorrow

 

but for now, you’re gone

gone

gone

 

the pain lingers

I need you

I’m useless without you

come back?

 

I tried to survive

and I tried

and I tried

and I failed

What right do I have? (song/poem)

What right do I have?  (written by micqu)

 

I’ve got no right to be here

there were times I was alright

and there were times I was a mess

and now the fog clouding my thoughts won’t clear

 

all those questions

and not one single answer

 

I’ve got no right to feel this way

there were times life was worse

and there were times life was sublime

and now the fog clouding my thoughts makes me sway

 

all those questions

and not one single answer

 

I’ve got no right to bottle this up

there were times I was happy

and there were times I was sad

and now the fog clouding my thoughts won’t let me cope

 

all those questions

and not one single answer

 

I’ve got no right to cry

there were times people died

there were times children were born

and now the fog clouding my thoughts makes me want to hide.

 

Why?

song for my dad

song for my dad (written by CT)

you are so close but too far

you are always on my mind

you are a part of me

and I am a part of you

same blood, same flesh

very different people

you are so close, yet too far

you’re like a stranger from another star

this song is for you – dad

I missed you so many times

now I know that there is no room

for me, in your life

there’s no place for me

I am a part of you

you are a part of me

same blood, same flesh

too different to hold on to this pain