Thank you…

To the first person who “bought” Unquiet Minds on Smashwords. 🙂

I didn’t mention it before, but it is pay what you want for the ebook. If you can’t or don’t want to pay, then simply reward me with a couple of nice words. My email address is at the end of the book.

Cathy

Unquiet Minds

I bring to you, Unquiet Minds. A poetry collection written over the last six years.

Unquiet Minds

This is the link to buy the ebook version from smashwords. The kindle and paperback versions will go live in 72 hours. Keep your eyes on the blog. I will share a link once it is live.

Thank you for your support. Share this book with your friends and followers, please.

Muah…

Cathy

Friday 13th…

… and nothing happened. Well stuff did happen. Like colleagues at work ranting against me again for asking to use an hour of overtime. Or me just letting it slip. Or me buying an inflatable swimming pool for our garden. Or taking care of a little rabbit for a week. Or my sister being in hospital. Or my kids’ summer break starting today.

I still feel disconnected and sometimes when I take my phone, I don’t know what to do with it. There is no need to check statuses and posts… There is a lot less scrolling.

I did not work on the new book today, but I finally folded my son’s, my daughters’ and my own laundry. Took me several hours. I also cleaned the house. Things I just couldn’t do for weeks now.

I want to be a good mother to my children, but some days I wonder about it all. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t. I have a hard time talking about my self. We took pictures at work and I was taken aback with how much it shows that I am not well. My eyes, my mouth. I look sad.

There are moments when I don’t feel sad. There are moments when I feel like a million bucks. I am feeling all sorts of emotions washing over me, I am carefree and me. In that moment I am happy. And I live without regrets. But, what I am struggling with is giving most of what I have to offer and not having anything in return. Sometimes it only feels like nothing, but that feeling of nothing or rejection makes me doubt myself. I hate it when I am like this, because I know exactly how I am feeling, but I have no clue how to change it. I was looking into therapists. Truthfully? I can’t afford it. It is too expensive. Being healthy is one damn expensive thing.

Since I am not active on any other platform anymore, I am wondering if I should borrow Satursongday from Nate Maingard. I would post a song every Saturday. I am not sure if I will do that. Having the ideas and acting them out are two different things. And I often have ideas that will never see the light of day.

Light of day… It’s night and there is a chance of sleeping in tomorrow.

This post is uncoordinated. This is how I think. I think about one thing and somehow it is linked to another thing that I don’t mention and that thought that I am not expressing leads me to the one I am writing. It is hard to follow me to times. But to me, it makes perfect sense.

Either I am entering a manic phase or my onyx beads that I have been wearing on my wrist for two days straight are helping.

Goodnight

C

73 questions

1. What’s your favorite movie
A few good men / my own private Idaho

2. Favorite movie in the past five years?
Théo & Hugo / Deadpool 2

3. Favorite Hitchcock film?
Never seen a Hitchcock film

4. A book you plan on reading?
Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig

5. A book that you read in school that positively shaped you?
On n’est pas sĂ©rieux quand on a dix-sept ans by Barbara Samson (English title: Being seventeen)

6. Favorite TV show that’s currently on?
The Big Bang Theory / How to get away with Murder / the Americans

7. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now?
If One is bad and Ten is super excited, I am a 4

8. iPhone or Android?
Android. Never had and never will own an iPhone

9. Twitter or Instagram?
Twitter

10. Who should EVERYONE be following right now?
Matt Haig. Not only is he a very talented author, he is also openly speaking about mental health, and overall, he is not afraid to speak his mind.

11. What’s your favorite food?
The French call it Bouchée à la Reine. (Vol au vents?)

12. Least favorite food?
Brussel sprouts

13. What do you love on your pizza?
Spinach, prawns, eggs

14. Favorite drink?
Tea or Pinot Gris

15. Favorite dessert?
Mousse au Chocolat

16. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
Milk Chocolate

17. Coffee or tea?
Tea

18. What’s the hardest part about being a mum?
Managing the chaos and remembering everyone’s schedules, while working, and making sure everyone has enough clean clothes in their cupboard to last two days

19. What’s your favorite band?
Anathema

20. Favorite solo artist?
Ben Howard

21. Favorite song?
Running up that hill by Kate Bush (and most cover versions too)

22. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be?
Robbie Williams

23. If you could master one instrument, what would it be?
Piano

24. If you had a tattoo, where would it be?
Left lower arm

25. To be or not to be?
To be

26. Dogs or cats?
Neither, but if I had to choose: dogs

27. Bird-watching or whale-watching?
Whale-watching

28. Best gift you’ve ever received?
A personal song from a musician I once admired

29. Best gift you’ve ever given?
Personalized jewelry. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but I took great care in choosing it and there person was really happy and is wearing it a lot

30. Last gift you gave a friend?
Tote bag

31. What’s your favorite board game?
Karuba

32. What’s your favorite country to visit?
France is nice

33. What’s the last country you visited?
Germany

34. What country do you wish to visit?
UK and/or Patagonia (which, of course, is, technically, only a region in Argentina)

35. What’s your favorite color?
Purple

36. Least favorite color?
Orange

37. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds

38. Heels or flats?
Flats

39. Pilates or yoga?
Yoga

40. Jogging or swimming?
Jogging

41. Best way to de-stress?
Drinking Maté and listening to music. A bath helps too.

42. If you had one superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation

43. What’s the weirdest word in the English language?
Acknowledgement, awkward, jealous

44. What’s your favorite flower?
Sunflower

45. When was the last time you cried?
Today

46. Do you like your handwriting?
Yes

47. Do you bake?
Yes

48. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I am too hairy everywhere

49. What is your most favorite thing about yourself?
My eyes, my ass, my boobs, my humour, my wit, my empathy

50. Who do you miss most?
Jamie and Daniel

51. What are you listening to right now?
Snoring of my partner. Musically, I am listening to a random playlist on Spotify

52. Favorite smell?
My perfume (Jean-Paul Gaultier pour Femme)

53. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My boss

54. Who was the last person you sent a text to?
Robert

55. A sport you wish you could play?
Ballet

56. Hair color?
Brown

57. Eye color?
Brown

58. Scary film or happy endings?
Happy Ending

59. Favorite season?
Fall

60. Three people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with?
River Phoenix, Emma Thompson, Thom Yorke

61. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs

62. Rolling Stones or the Beatles?
The Beatles (duh!!)

63. Where were you born?
Luxembourg city

64. What is the farthest you have been from home?
Djerba (Tunisia)

65. Sweet or savory?
Savory

66. Lipstick or lip gloss?
Lipstick

67. What book have you read again and again?
None. There are books I read twice, but usually, I only read them once.

68. Favorite bedtime story?
None

69. What would be the title of your autobiography?
In search of a balanced mind – the story of a troubled soul

70. Favorite sound?
Happy children playing and laughing

71. Favorite animal?
Donkey

72. Who is your girl crush?
Angelina Jolie

73. Last photograph you took?

Showing my view to my colleague while chatting.

Questions in the comments are allowed and encouraged. Thank you.

(Credit to Vogue: 73 questions)

News

I am working on my next book. It will be called “Unquiet Minds” and it will be filled with poetry that was written over the last 6 years.

I am formatting it at present and I learned from my last experience. First paperback, then ebook, because Paperback is a lot more exciting but also a pain in my posterior.

It will be around 130 pages long (which makes Unquiet Minds trice as long as Writing Notes). Furthermore, I intend to make it more or less the same price.

Truthfully, I am not as excited as the first time. But that might come with me the overall subdued mood.

I unsubscribed and uninstalled Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Wattpad will be next, I think. Though, I admit, I am thinking about reactivating Twitter. I feel quite disconnected. Which I am…

In a couple of days, it Jamie’s anniversary. He passed away 3 years ago. For those who are unfamiliar with the story, Jamie was my best friend, he passed away from leukemia. Some days, I don’t miss him at all. I don’t even think about him, but whenever I feel down, he is missed. A lot. I just know that he would have had the right advice for me and the right words.

My other best friend ended our 20 years friendship this week. It came out of the blue, and not. It’s been coming. I had it coming because I was a bad friend. I was selfish and pushed her away. Apparently, I hurt her…. I am not sure how or why but well. If she was hurt, I can’t say she wasn’t.

I had a fight with a work colleague last Friday. This time, I was not wrong. But explaining would be too much.

Anyway…

I decided to publish my new book under my real name. No aliases anymore. I will let you know in due time about more details.

In the mean time, follow the 15 people who already bought Writing Notes on Amazon.

Thank you.

C

You are there, but you are not

I am there but I am not

Just pretending, that’s what I do a lot.

I lost most of me

I will never be free.

It would be easier to give up

To have it all stop

But I am not

I do my crying in the rain

Never showing my pain

But if I do I feel weak

It’s hard for me to speak.

I am not a part of their lives

Nobody’s wife

Forever trapped in this maddening circle

If you read the string of these last posts, you probably noticed that I am not well. Spiralling out of control, actually. It’s a lonely time for me. I tried to reach out and get/stay in touch with people who mean a lot to me. Those who can distract me for a couple of minutes or hours. But the truth is that both of them blew me off. They have valid reasons too. I couldn’t be mad at them. But my mind suggests differently. My mind tells me that they are over our friendship and tired of me. I am not going to bribe them into spending time with me. I did not come forward and say “Listen, I am not well. A bit of your company would be nice.” And here I resend myself too. I mean, apparently I seem confident and strong all the time. Maybe I hide too well. I cry at home, even in the car, then I power through work for 8 hours or more, go home and be strong for the kids, and then when I am finally allowed to break down, I do. I am writing about it all right now, because I am confused and honestly, I am not sure how to go on. Or if I want to go on at all. There are so many reasons to be happy and feel joy. I see them, but I cannot feel them.

If I go, it won’t be long. If I go, remember me for being strong. If I stay, be gentle with my fragile mind. Remember to be kind.

I have a heart full of love, and a head full of thoughts. I am a soul full of stars. Just connect the dots.

At least, it makes me creative.

20180702_02

She had given everything there was to give. Nothing left to offer. An emptiness that wrapped itself around her thoughts until they were strangled. Everyone expected her to support them. They didn’t support get in return. Give and take. She had given all away. Until there was none. Until she wished she was gone.

untitled flash fiction 20180701 or With you, I want to live

“Do you ever think about suicide? About ending it all? Just vanishing? Being gone? Not existing at all?” he asked, avoiding making eye-contact. He took a sip of his coffee and looked at the people on the other side of the street. She didn’t answer. She didn’t know how. “I do,” he continued. “I think about it. All the time. Not about death itself, but how to make it easier for those around. And I wonder what they will say and who will miss me.” Their eyes briefly met, before he averted his gaze and looked at the clouds in his coffee. “I would miss you,” she croaked, cleared her throat and repeated the same words in a steadier voice. “Why?” he whispered. “Why” was a question that often made his life unnecessarily hard. That three-letter word made him dread and anticipate answers, all at once. “Because the thought of not having you close to me breaks me inside. The void you would leave would swallow me.” Tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t want to make a scene, but she had a thing with words; always finding the words that forced his emotions to explode. “If you were gone, I would probably follow you. There is nothing keeping me here. If it wasn’t for you, I would not be here,” she whispered sadly. He didn’t know how to react and how to respond. He just covered her hand with his trembling one. She looked at their hands, then she lifted her head to look into his face – into his eyes. “Please don’t leave me behind,” she begged. “Never,” he replied. “I love you too much.” She nodded, wiping the corner of her eye. A tear was threatening to ruin her makeup. Lately, she had thought about taking her own life a lot. She led a happy life, but something dark was clawing at her thoughts. Something devastating was fraying the edges of her fragile soul. Holding on was much more exhausting than she would have ever thought. Why was living and staying alive so easy for most people? Why was it so hard for her? And him too. “Let’s promise each other to stay alive together for as long as we can. There are reasons to stay alive, right? If I remind you of them, and you me, we will be okay.” On the other side of the street, a toddler was crying in his stroller. From her point of view, it looked as if he didn’t like being strapped tightly in the stroller without any means to break free. “Freedom is just an illusion. A creation of the mind. The emotional cage we are living in is a creation of the mind too. It either helps us to stay sane, or we will break and grow insane.” He tilted his head to the side and took a sip of his coffee. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. He had been too busy with his own thoughts, missing that she was not alright either. “Depression is a selfish bastard,” he thought out loud, taking his hand back. “We should go,” she ignored his statement, got up from her chair and put her bag over her shoulder. He stood next to her, kissed her forehead and let his hand find hers. She looked up at him. The affection in her eyes made his heart race. “I love you,” he blurted out. He had never said the words before, but they had never been this true and important to share either. A genuine beaming smile appeared on her face. She didn’t reciprocate his words. She didn’t have to; he felt her love wafting off her skin. Being alive wasn’t so bad, if he was allowed to do it with her.