all those tired thoughts that refuse to sleep at night

It’s past 3 in the morning, and I have been awake for two hours now. I don’t know why I am not asleep. I don’t feel anxious; I don’t recall any dreams. And yet. After tossing and turning for a while, I did what I always do; I took my phone. I replied to a message, fully aware that the recipient is asleep at this hour. I filed a complaint about a long-overdue delivery, and I surfed the web for all and nothing. I did some research on Covid vaccines because I will receive my first shot this Friday. And I watched the ceiling.

What else is there to do?

Faint light is coming in through the closed blinds, leaving a black and pale yellow pattern on the usually white paint—a play of light and shadow.

A poetic thought in a trivial situation.

I’ve been in a shadow mood for a moment or two. On the one hand, everything is good and progressing; on the other hand, I am lonely, alone, and exhausted. If I wasn’t an over-thinker, getting in touch with the people I want to talk to most right now would not be a big deal. But I am an over-thinker. I rather delude myself into thinking that it’s better to ignore that big urge to message the person who inspires the fictitious Dear Stranger letters and be miserable, than being ignored or, even worse: rejected by him. Of course, I saw that he was online on WhatsApp mere moments ago. But my last message is unread, the ticks are not blue, and I should let him sleep. We are both un-asleep. What are the odds? Last seen today at 2:58 am. I want to pretend that it doesn’t matter. But it does.

Everything matters.

I wasted two hours of rest already. I feel the irritation growing inside of me. It’s like a tiny monster that is fed by nonsensical thoughts, and it grows and grows until it explodes.

I don’t want it to explode – it will be a mess.

It is unusually quiet. No birds, no cars, no planes, no other animals. I am alone with my thoughts and my breathing. And in this silence, I notice that I am close to pain-free for the first time in a long time. There is a slight pull in the tendon, and I feel that the muscle in my shoulder is tired and exhausted from being strained in my position. But, what I am feeling in my arm and shoulder doesn’t qualify as pain.

It is such a strange sensation to notice that the near-constant pain is fading into a barely-there feeling.

The clock says 3:33. I should try a breathing technic and some kind of meditation to find some peace of mind. I need rest to recover. But once again, it is past 3 in the morning, and I am on my own. Forgotten in the dark.

I sigh— all those weird thoughts in the middle of the night.

And all I really need is someone to pull me close, kiss my neck and lull me into sleep with his soothing yet firm grip around my body.

xx

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