What am I even doing here?!

I had a bad day. That’s the biggest understatement today.

I barely slept. How do things go from “why aren’t you on FB?” to “why didn’t you reply to my message?” (a message that said I will go to bed in a minute and that I only saw in the morning in my notification bar – I didn’t think it was important!) How do things go from “I want you in my life and I want to know everything about you” to “I struggle every month of the year.” (as a reply to me explaining that July is particularly strenuous and challenging for me because it is the month I lost my best friend and the anniversary of my suicide attempt and I am preoccupied with my own wars instead of being my usual supportive self). How do things go from “We have a deep connection” to being blocked on FB (facebook that I only reactivated because they insisted!). I am unwanted.

I was sent home at work because there was no work for me… I wasn’t needed. My boss apologised when I pointed out that it is hurtful to be sent home as much as I am sent home right now. I know, we are saving my hours to use them when I am really needed, but honestly it hurts. And it makes me angry. We were three people with four kids, of course, I had to leave, I am the one with overtime, but I was also the only one of us three doing something with the kids, while my colleagues sat on their asses, complaining about a change of schedule, I entertained the kids – it is our job, for fuck’s sake. But, I was not needed.

I feel useless as it is and now I read this… And mere moments ago, I read a personal blog post that basically said that the concept of survival of the fittest is destroyed by modern civilization (sick people taking medication now that would have died years ago) and that everything was better when people were free. I don’t disagree with everything. But, I was born to a sick mother. She was sick before I was born, according to the logic of this writer, she should have died and I would not have been born at all. I have no right to be here.

And wow… that just plays into that whole shitty day thing.

Please listen to Damien Rice singing Sia’s Chandelier:

Author: Catherine

37. Unquiet mind. Writer with a deeply rooted love for music. Likes reading in the bathtub. Heartbreaker. Perfectly imperfect mother of 3. Published poet.

2 thoughts on “What am I even doing here?!”

  1. It makes me sad that you’re feeling unwanted and useless, because it’s not true. Don’t let some person on Facebook who obviously has their own serious issues bring you down (though I know from experience how those kinds of encounters can be very troublesome).

    Liked by 1 person

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