all the things you said

“Marriage material,” you called me, and I don’t know what to make of it. Five years of back and forth, and it took a pandemic for you to see and understand what I already knew years ago. All the sweet talk and the admission of your flaws; of course, it makes me fall for you again. I am trying to keep my heart out of it all, but I can’t. Your place in my heart and in my soul is set. And you are in my mind. All the time. Because of that, our phone calls, the phone sex, it is intense. Mindblowing. More than satisfying. And you like that. I know you do. I like it too. But I can’t make time for you all the time. I have to plan around my family. But man, I miss you, and yes, you are right, I owe you a couple of cums. You are insistent, rightly so. Is it because of an earlier claim? Months ago, you said that I am the only one who can make you cum these days. The last times you got in touch was always with the same question, you say that you can’t forget me. “Why can’t I forget you?” you asked, and I asked, “Why should you want to forget me?” “I can’t,” you said. “I can’t let you go.” And that was that. You made plans for a shared future, said you could move over here. I said that I am complicated, and you asked why and how. The first time ever, you said that you like me and that I don’t scare you. All these texts, they did things to me. And I realise that I am the scared one. I am afraid to be hurt by you, but even more, to hurt you. I cannot be who you want me to be. Not all the time. And I am still under the impression that you don’t want to know more about me. I told you that I need a lot of time for myself and to write and all that “No problem, I will be on tour,” you answered. “As long as you aren’t nagging. I never start arguments in relationships.” And I would never nag, I never start arguments either. You mentioned my kids and that you are good with them. You could practice your French or German with them. “We seriously have a fucking chance. I am not playing.” But I am not sure if I can trust you. It makes me sad. I want this so much. So so much. Five years of come and go. Of back and forth. Of “I don’t care” and “You don’t matter, none of this does.” Words that cut me deep and left wounds – scars. Then the time we should have met in 2017, and you decided to ghost me a week before and months later. All the times you said this had to end because I was holding you back. But you always came back. Silent weeks and months, but you always came back. You changed me. You built me up, and you tore me down, and now, after all these years, I am finally trying to get my head back above water. “I worry about the people I like, and I take care of them,” I reminded you. “Does that mean you like me?” You asked, and it was so sweet and innocent. And I said yes. You shared fantasies of making love to me on your piano… and I want everything you have to offer. But I am not ready to lose myself. I love you. I really do. But not the way you deserve or need to be loved.

Author: Catherine

37. Unquiet mind. Writer with a deeply rooted love for music. Likes reading in the bathtub. Heartbreaker. Perfectly imperfect mother of 3. Published poet.

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