stream of unedited consciousness

Today is tomorrow, agree?

I was wondering, most of my friends these days are real but online. The ones who are most important are the ones I have never pulled into my arms. What if I passed away? What if they did?

I am not suicidal, but I am thinking about accidents or things like that.

Those who follow this blog more closely might have read the name Jamie before.

Jamie was the most fantastic man. His birthday was two days ago, he would have turned 36. He passed away in 2015 from Leukemia. Jamie was my best friend. I only knew him virtually, but he was my best friend indeed. We shared everything. I trusted him, and I believe that he trusted me too. He made me a better person. I like that he keeps popping up in my thoughts almost daily. Music reminds me of him, but also other random things we talked about. When he passed away, it was a mutual friend who told me. That friend was informed by his husband. (No typo. Jamie was gay.) Although I consider Jamie my best friend, I did not know his husband. I remember when Marcus told me about Jamie’s passing. I cried for hours that day. And I felt jealous that Jamie’s husband had not gotten in touch with me personally.

Thinking back at all of this, and thinking about my current situation, I wonder how my friends would be informed. If they would be informed at all. After all, I am not on Facebook anymore. Not having Facebook feels like being alien or invisible. But at least in case of emergency or something similar, everyone would know.

I don’t want to vanish. And one of the worst thoughts for me is to be forgotten. I try to touch people… with my writing, but also with my entire daily behaviour. If I succeed, that is not for me to judge.

I just know that I am as real as I can be. Which can be intense and overwhelming for the people who are close to me.

Compared to other blogs, this one is not frequented at all. A handful of people keep checking in daily. (I see you, and I know who you are. Thank you!!) Also, ever since I have the ‘buy’-button on the blog, I haven’t sold one copy of my book. That’s okay though… I am just curious to know how it works, lol.

One thought after the other. One foot in front of the other.

Mood is still calm and serene. I should be devasted, but I am free instead. And I miss Jamie so so much.

2 thoughts on “stream of unedited consciousness

  1. A very touching post, Cathy. Another blogger I followed, and who was among my favorites, was Buffalo Tom Peabody. He wrote a humourous blog that addressed many hot-button political issues, primarily attacking our current president, his administration and the Republican party. Since I agreed with virtually everything he wrote about, his blog was like candy to me. He was a prolific blogger, posting new content nearly every day, then suddenly this past May, his posts abruptly stopped. I feared the worst, and sadly, those fears were confirmed a few months later when his sister posted on his blog that he’d suddenly passed away in May, just days after his final post. Like you felt for your friend Jamie, I was devastated, as Tom (not his real name) and I had conversed many times about politics, music and life. He had also been one of the biggest supporters of my blog. So, yes, I do understand how it is that we can become close to people we’ve never met in person, but know only through our online contact.

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    1. I am sorry for your loss, but I am also happy that you got to experience this. Maybe, because all of the online experiences are relatively new – we are the first generation of social media users after all, a new idea about friendship and relationship has to be formed and understood.
      With Jamie, some people later said that he had catfished us all and that he was someone else entirely. It added confusion and hurt to the loss and grief…
      Thank you for seeing me and reading my ramble.

      Liked by 1 person

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