If you read the string of these last posts, you probably noticed that I am not well. Spiralling out of control, actually. It’s a lonely time for me. I tried to reach out and get/stay in touch with people who mean a lot to me. Those who can distract me for a couple of minutes or hours. But the truth is that both of them blew me off. They have valid reasons too. I couldn’t be mad at them. But my mind suggests differently. My mind tells me that they are over our friendship and tired of me. I am not going to bribe them into spending time with me. I did not come forward and say “Listen, I am not well. A bit of your company would be nice.” And here I resend myself too. I mean, apparently I seem confident and strong all the time. Maybe I hide too well. I cry at home, even in the car, then I power through work for 8 hours or more, go home and be strong for the kids, and then when I am finally allowed to break down, I do. I am writing about it all right now, because I am confused and honestly, I am not sure how to go on. Or if I want to go on at all. There are so many reasons to be happy and feel joy. I see them, but I cannot feel them.
If I go, it won’t be long. If I go, remember me for being strong. If I stay, be gentle with my fragile mind. Remember to be kind.
I have a heart full of love, and a head full of thoughts. I am a soul full of stars. Just connect the dots.
At least, it makes me creative.