It’s going to be okay

Life’s a bitch, but it’s going to be okay.

My daughter had a nightmare about me dying. I tried to comfort her as best as I could, but there was a thought I couldn’t shake. I will die. Some day I will. And I cannot change it. And when she was finally asleep again, i felt guilty. So many times i thought about dying. I thought about ending my life. No – I will not kill myself, no need to worry. But I have these thoughts and I am aware that those are thoughts normal people don’t have. I cannot save my children from all the hurt that the world will inflict on them. It’s impossible. But I can try and not add to it. It pains me when my seven year old is bullied. It hurts that she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to make me sad. It pains me when she tells me that she will come to me with everything that bothers her but that I can also come to her with the things that bother me.
Parenting is the best thing I do. It’s one of the few things I am sure of. But there is so much wrong with me that I worry that I will never be the parent they need or deserve. The world is crazy. And I am too.
And I am scared to share. I used to share a lot. But back then, people from my day to day life didn’t read anything I shared. And now I allowed some people in. And I feel ashamed and frightened to share who I really am. I hate this. And I want to scream “help”, but I can’t, and to be fair, I wouldn’t listen to anyone anyway. I need a hug from someone who isn’t a child. Who knew that being married also meant being lonely and longing for human connection.

5 thoughts on “It’s going to be okay

  1. Before I left home for a new uni year my mom confronted me about my sexuality.
    It was an uncomfortable conversation for me. I still am processing what she said almost a month later .
    Which is why I believe you are a good parent and person. I always see someone who is willing to listen and help. Whether it be for your children or anyone else. You are doing your best and that is more than enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dhrish, you are making me cry. You need a hug too. And you do know where to find me if and when you need me to listen. You are an amazing young woman. You’ve come such a long way. You are golden. *hugs*

      Like

  2. Sharing who you really are can be terrifying. I’ve been there. I slowly got over it by saying, I’m happy with who I am, I can’t control what other people think. Maybe when I’m not being myself, others don’t like that, when I think they do.
    Sending a virtual hug your way!

    Liked by 1 person

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