I hate my mood-swings. If I could change one thing about myself it would be those moods. But I can’t. At least not consciously.
Honestly, this morning everything was fine, just like everything was effortless these last past weeks and then bam… during the afternoon everything turns for the worse. It’s nothing on the outside, because that is the same as it always is. It is inside of me. and I hate it. I hate it when I feel like this.
I want to be pitied for my hard life and at the same time I don’t want pity at all.
I want to be praised for everything good I do. at the same time, it’s displeasing too.
And suddenly, I sit here, angry with myself and telling myself, that I have nothing to say anymore and that it would be best to stop writing. that includes twitter, wattpad, this blog and livejournal. I hardly write anything on fb. I post pictures of my kids sometimes or I share a song or something, but I am not very active.
I sit here, shaking my head at myself at how ridiculous I am for spilling this to you and for hoping/expecting someone to read this. I need a good cry, but there are no tears “all my tears have been used up” (special points if you know from what song this is and who sings it, without looking it up – no cheating)
And while I try to be positive and not have regrets of any kind, I can’t deny that I regret many things. There are so many things that I would change, but there are no second chances in real life and some people simply are not available anymore to make things up to them.
I’m also still facing my writer’s block. Though, I wrote a few pages in a two hours today, which is good. though my English sucks and I can’t think straight. I wish I could say, that it’s the lack of sleep, but it isn’t. not really.
I’m so tired of wasting my life away and the few things I really love to do, are not appreciated. at least not by the people who are around me a lot.
Nobody likes nerdy music people. I am not pushy, don’t impose my tastes on anybody and celebrate my (as I find myself) eclectic taste. but there is no one who is interesting in sharing that with me (in my every day face-to-face life at least) and I can’t live in this pseudo world all the time. I can’t live my life through a screen and through written conversations with people that I most likely will never meet, although I like them and what they do a lot.
I love supporting bands and musicians and I admire their courage to put themselves out there, for everyone to judge and to review. By doing so, they make themselves vulnerable. Who likes to read bad reviews? And who likes to see, that views and likes don’t go up?! (I as a writer don’t! and still I am out there too… doesn’t that make me stronger than I feel I am right now too?!)
My thoughts are all over the place, while I listen to Weikie once again.
I want to vanish and I want to be seen. It’s just like it always used to be. See me, don’t look at me, but if you do see me and look at me, please love me.
I am such a weird person. I know that and while I really think, that this blog and the music and finding a passion in writing helped me to improve a lot in recent months, it’s in moments like tonight, that I fear, that I’m going “one step forward and two steps back and that my life (my inner life) is like a hurricane”. (another quote from a song)
Sometimes, I feel like I am running out of words and out of sound and all that comes out of my mouth are trivialities, because I simply can’t find a voice to tell the people around me how I really feel.
I prefer to appear moody and brooding rather than vulnerable and weak…
I live in a constant fear of being judged, if I reveal too much about myself. And there are people, who deserve to tear down my walls and I know, that I don’t let them out of fear that they won’t or can’t love me. I don’t want people to see me when I am sad like this and I don’t want to have to explain myself, because I can’t. I can’t say what is wrong inside of me. There is that storm raging in my soul from time to time and I can’t stop it. And it’s days like the one today, that I feel, that I can’t breathe and that I am drowning (read my poem internal drowning) and it’s days like the one today, that I can’t see and can’t understand, that there is anything loveable about me. and even if you or anyone else tells me, that this is silly talk… I don’t believe it. I simply can’t believe and understand it in these moments.
The worst thing is, that this ‘phase’ will pass and I know it, but I can’t do anything to skip to the days, where I see how silly I am for writing this stuff and being embarrassed for writing it out for the public to read. In two days time, maybe even already tomorrow, I will feel better. But right now… right now… I don’t feel good. Useless. Self-loathing myself. Questioning myself and my existence.
Aren’t these the words of a 15 year old girl instead of a 30 year old woman?
who determines how I have to feel and think at a certain age and who has the right to tell me, that I live my life the wrong way or that I am interested in the wrong things?? In the end, I have to live with myself and my choices everyday. I have to live with my moods and I have to accept that this is a huge part of who I am.
I am damaged goods. Broken in the past.
But I am strong too. I live, I love, I feel. I chose not to let my past reign over my now and my future. I chose to fight with myself everyday and I chose to be who I am. It’s also a choice, how I represent myself on this blog and in my everyday life. It’s a choice – a carefully taken choice – that I am on this blog more myself than I will ever be in real life.
And while I wrote more than 1000 words in this post, I feel my spirits already lifting and I think, it might be, because I allow myself to see things from both sides. I am realistic and I came to know myself and those mood-swings pretty well. Of course, they are ugly and not easy to live with, but they are a part of me, that is not easy to hide.
I thank you for not judging me. For (maybe) reading this and understanding my lines of thoughts (though that is pretty hard some times).
I appreciate your time and your support. It is never taken for granted.
And now, the last song of my CD is playing in the background. Piano and a voice and touching lyrics. The perfect end to this post.