lost control

My heart is beating. Too fast. Unsteady. I can’t breathe. I can not breathe. I try but only gasp, not filling my lungs. I feel like crying and releasing endless rivers of pain, but there is no air, no sound, no tears. I cannot move; paralysed by the inner violence I am suffering. And my heart is racing. Skipping beats. It hurts in my chest, but I can not breathe. A wail leaves my lips; I cover my mouth and hide my face. This is not me. My legs give in. And I sink to the concrete floor. I bite my trembling fingers, trying to calm down. But to no avail. The anxiety consumes me whole. Thick tears roll down my cheeks, and sobs shake my entire body. I am too weak to move and just lie down. How can this be? Everything is okay—everything but me. I am not feeling myself. I am feeling too much. My heart keeps racing, but my mind is blank. I can not think; I just gasp for air and cry. I shake my head, but nothing changes. I can not silence the battle raging in my bubble. I lost control.

Anathema – lost control. From the album “Alternative 4” (1998, Peaceville)

Rain…

It is 4:25 in the morning. I have been awake for almost three hours now. At first, I tried to fall back asleep, but none of my usual tricks worked. I had a couple of very good nights in a row. Now I am home again and can’t sleep. I tried writing, but my words are thin and without spark. I read a lot and ordered new books. And I fell down a rabbit hole on Instagram. But I am still not asleep. Flashes of memories appear before my eyes; they make me smile. Good memories. And yet, I cannot sleep. Outside it is raining. Again. As always, the window is open, and I let the cold air caress my skin. I am feeling myself.

song of the day

For the first time in a long while, my mind is clear. There is no overthinking and no wish to share what brought this on. Because I usually share (over-share) when my thoughts are muddled, and I need to get things out of my mind. I am quiet because I am relaxed and comfortable in my own skin and in my own being.

No pain in the shoulder.

Kvelertak – Svartmesse

From the album Nattesferd (2016, Roadrunner Records). At first this might not sound like something for you, but wait for it. It is a great song, and the entire album is awesome. This is the third studio album of this Norwegian band.

Really cool animated video too:

And that would be my favourite of this band for me. Same album, song called Heksebrann. I plays more into my love for long songs without lyrics. This one has great melody and a couple of twists. 💜💜💜

Song of the evening

I Like Trains – a man of conviction

From the album “Kompromat” (2020, Atlantic Curve)

This was a first… I pre-ordered this album back in August. It was released on 21st, and I kind of forgot about it. Today, I came home from work and the record had arrived. Limited edition, clear vinyl. Sounds lovely, but what else would we expect from this band?

I like.

Have a great evening. xx

Dear Stranger…

How many times did I tell you goodbye just to realise how much I miss you in my life? It has been a week since I told you that I don’t need you anymore, and I still believe it is true. But today, I miss you. From one moment to the next, I felt this longing to hold you and to listen to you. It was as if a wave of “you” pulled me under when I got ready for bed. I had some of your words in my head “something clicked, profoundly” and another that still makes me overthink: “without you, I feel abject loneliness”. I remember that conversation very well. It was the first time you cried with me, and I promised that I would always be there for you and that I would wait for you, no matter how long it would take for you to love me.

I don’t know. I mean, I deserve love, and I deserve to be cherished and valued. But I am also loyal. And maybe I am more loyal to the memory and fantasy of us than to our reality. We were nothing in reality. At the same time, I only ever wanted to be your everything. I never wanted to save you; I wanted to support you and help you through the muddy waters of life. Not because I have the insight and knowledge, but because I thought we would fit and complete each other. I was deluding myself. We both know that. I allowed you to manipulate me and to make me the person you wanted me to be. And when you were done grooming me, you were not interested anymore. The ghosting and gaslighting was always the most challenging part of us. It is easier nowadays because I recognise my worth and value a lot more now. When we met, I was a naive and shy girl. Now I am a woman who knows what she wants and needs.

Tonight, I need you. The memories of us.

Dear stranger, some days, I am convinced that you ruined me for everyone who is willing to love me. Other days, I know that I would not be who I am without your input and impulse. I am just tired of looking up at the statue of you that which I put high on a pedestal. I am a short woman; I can not reach those expectations; I am doomed to fail.

I want and need you to remember me. I remember you.

Yours, Sweetie.