Just a moment of solitude

The less we are alone, the lonelier we feel. Every fake smile makes us break – just a little bit at first. And then some more. Until we crumble to dust and hide in the forgotten cracks of our being; bleeding on our mind’s carpet floors. We are drowning slowly in the invisible wounds on our soul, unable to hear our thoughts over the voices of those who don’t know and those who will never understand. Too much, too loud. We need a moment to exist – on our own.

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Readers are rolling their eyes and thinking, “again? When will it stop?!”
Probably never. Because you are the one who said that I was the only one to fill the holes in your mind, in your heart, and in your body. You are the one who cried when I said that I would always be there for you and when you admitted you felt abject loneliness without me. You are the one who said that I am marriage material, that I deserve better in my life. You are the one who said in no uncertain terms that you would never forget me. (as long as there is cum in my balls…) You stranger, are the one who asked why it was so hard to forget me. You are the one who says you love me, even though you insisted that you could never love anyone. You are who I need for two moments of serenity and happiness in my life. But you are also the one who planted the seed in me that nothing matters, all is a fantasy, and that you don’t and never care-d about me. And you are the one who ignored me for weeks before and after we were supposed to meet. You are the one ghosting me for months and then popping up in my emails, reminding me of a contract I once wrote for us. And me?
I am the one who takes whatever you have to offer. I am the one who understands your situation. I am the one who knows which buttons to push and who allows you to push my buttons. I am the one who longs for your voice on the phone and who also hates our calls. In the end, dear stranger, I am the only one who always stayed by your side. And you know that I know your good, bad, and your ugly sides. I have experienced you at your lowest and when you were down… and I got glimpses of your happiness too. I am there when you are all alone and stressed, and when the tough times are too much for you. I am always there… and I think that it would be better to be less available. It would be better for you, and certainly better for myself too – although we both know that it is easier to cope with it now than it was years ago. Could you imagine?! I am still and always your most perfect girl… 11 years younger, but exactly who you need for your mind and body.

Sleep tight,
Your Sweetie

Haiku – almost

Ghost memories in caged minds
Heavy water sliding down winter skins
Trapped in blazing fire trees.

###

I am not good with structure or following writing rules. I don’t know – it makes me feel trapped in my creativity and too aware of what I am doing. So… I was doodling and procrastinating this morning when this came about. For a real modern haiku, one word is missing in the second sentence. Apparently, 5-7-5 is the way to go. 17 words… That’s in theory… I prefer going with the flow and see where the words lead me.

Saturday Song

Lone Wolf – mistakes

From the album “Lodge” (2015). When I found the above live performance this morning on YouTube, it had no views. Let’s show him some love and make his day. Watch that clip.

Paul Marshall – Lone Wolf, is one of those musicians who can never go wrong for me. Well, apart from the fact that the album “Lodge” is not on Spotify. But “The Lovers” is and also his debut “The Devil and I”.

Music for the soul, isn’t it? For a while, I let myself be inspired by other music, more aggressive, and I liked some of it – but if I am honest, I only wanted to be liked.

I feel disconnected. Maybe it is just that moment in a cycle when acquaintances fade away and friendships fade out. Add to that the uncertainty that is colouring my life right now, and you get a lonelier version of the woman I usually am…

Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. Twelve years already. My son will be sixteen in January. My youngest turned ten last July. And I? I will be thirty-eight in February…

Pheww… Anyway, enjoy the above song, let’s give it some views. ☺

The last of my stock

This is the last of my stock, if you are interested in buying and owning a personalised copy of one of my books, now is the time. I ship worldwide. Payment via PayPal.

Heart of Stone – novel, 4 copies left (19€/$22,50)
Unquiet Minds – poetry, 3 copies left (12€/$14)
Drowning in a Sea of Voices – poetry, 2 copies left 10€/$12)

Every word in these books was written by myself, every cover picture was taken and edited by myself too. Once my stock is gone, it is gone and the only way of purchasing these books is through Amazon. There are copies in Australia, Brazil, Canada, US, UK, Sweden, South Africa, India, Germany, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Romania, Ukraine… Join the readers all around the globe.

Comment for more information. 😉

Have a nice weekend xx

Her last words…

Tonight, I had the news that a woman I like a lot passed away. She was older (76) and sick (cancer that had spread and two strokes). I am sad, because she was such a unique, quirky, eccentric and warm person. Whenever we met, we had a chat. She was one of the people I liked to see and chat, you know? Not one of those you hope won’t see you; not one of those you pretend not to see. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago. It was at a function for our municipality. Between us, we drank a bottle of wine and talked about everything and nothing. Her last words to me carried me for a long while: “You are awesome, Cathy. Stay open. Stay you. I really like the woman you are.”

How many people say things like that to your face? My cynic mind tells me to blame it on the wine, but I know that she was an honest person. She would not have spent any time with me if she had not liked me, and she certainly would not have said those words to me. At the time, I did not know that they were her last words addressed to me, but now I cherish them even more. RIP

Another awesome woman who passed away 12 years ago to the day is my mother-in-law. She welcomed me into her family, and she taught me a lot about parenthood and finding your own way. She encouraged me, and was there. In the 8 years that I knew her, she was more of a mother to me than my own mom. Sad but true. She is still greatly missed. Her last words to me were said the day before she passed away. She put her hand on my pregnant belly (she passed away on my due date for Giulia – Giulia was born two days later), looked at me with a smile and said: “you’ve got this. I am proud of you. I love you.”

And maybe I was in denial, but here too, I was not aware that these words were the last time she would ever say anything to me. And I told her too that I loved her that night – I am very glad I did. She was very ill (cancer that had spread…) and heavily medicated. She was drifting in and out of consciousness, and maybe I was naive or maybe I was preoccupied with my pregnancy, but I did not realise that she was in her final days… Yeah… I miss her a lot. She would have fallen instantly in love with Giulia and she would be so proud of Olivier and Amalia… She would have been the most amazing grandma…

November took the amazing people. But, in November, some of my favourite people were born too… Next November, everything will be very different again.

Songs of the night

Two songs… They could not be any more different

Sandra – (I’ll never be) Maria Magdalena

A nu-disco song from 1985. Truth be told, until tonight I had no idea that genre existed. As a kid, I used to like that song and the singer. The song came on tonight and I thought it would be a blast from the past to share.

The other song I am sharing is the following:

Pearl Jam – dance of the clairvoyants (2020)

Decades after their debut album, this band sounds definitely different, but they’ve still got it. Eddie Vedder’s vocals (voice and lyrics) never get old. The song was released in February 2020. Enjoy the music.