It’s a trap

I fell into the trap that is called Face Beauty on my selfie camera. It smoothes the skin so much that it looks unnatural. Once in a while, it hides the exhaustion and the wrinkles, but today, it irked me. I look fake on the picture above. The layers of filters are undeniable.

So… This is the real, unfiltered me with dry skin, huge pores, and freckles on my sun-kissed face. I have wrinkles and bags around and under my eyes… I am very far from perfect. The first photo is more beautiful, but alas, the second is the real me.

By the way, I am not bothered by the grey hair that is so visible. I am 36, and it shows.

Beauty and photos these days are most often fake. And I admit, I like filters that hide my flaws too, but I can also acknowledge the true me.

😘

Love yourselves; you are unique and beautiful with all your flaws.

I woke up because Bernie – the crow, couldn’t stop making noise. I am irritated and annoyed at the world right now.

I could reach out to friends, but I don’t want to bother them with my bad mood. And apart from that, I am pretty invisible.

Tell me something nice, if you read this. 💜

Have a good Saturday

Dear stranger…

Holy fucking hell; I miss you more than I ever knew. I saw someone crossing the street today; he looked like you: the same curls, the same pale skin, the same walk, the same posture. My heart went like mad. Eyes wide and wild, I had troubles to get my car in gear again. But, fuck me, I began longing for you; for your voice.

The moment I could think straight again, I reminded myself that it had not been you, crossing the street. You are in the UK, sound-checking for your upcoming show.

But man, I miss you. Most days, I don’t. Most days, I am indifferent, because yearning for your touch makes me feel empty and numb. Other days, it feels as if I cannot breathe because you are not here. You weren’t here for a long, long while.

I am fine without you. Seeing your doppelganger threw me for a loop though. And so, I did what I can do without calling or sending a text. I checked social media channels for your face; I listened to old interviews, and I floated in a serene mindset listening to your music. It is all I can get; it is all I am asking for. At times likes these, I am glad that you are visible and that I can get my fix (like an addict) without you noticing.

Of course, I also write these letters. Not that you will ever read them, stranger, but my thoughts can soar free like an eagle like this, instead of being trapped in a cage.

I don’t like to be trapped, but I want to believe that you waste one or two thoughts on me too, once in a while.

When we spent time together, life was good. When we went our different ways, I was devastated and wanted to die. I am not writing this to put pressure on you, and I am sharing this to show you how dependent I was on you.

You made me, and you broke me.

It’s been a long while. And these days, I look back on what we had with a smile. You were there and showed me what passion and love is. You told me that I am worth to be loved – and I believed you; still do.

There are moments like today, when I wish we could be together, but then, a couple of hours later, I remember that we are too codependent and that our deep emotions are dangerous for our sanities.

Maybe I am in advantage because you are a public person and if I want, I can see you.

I want you to be happy – I know you are not because you still think that you don’t deserve it, but you do.

Still and always yours,

Sweetie

Yesterday (movie)

I went to see Yesterday today. And what can I say? I am torn. On one hand, the movie is funny and filled with music we know and love. On the other hand, there are too many questions left unanswered. In the end, I can say that I enjoyed “Yesterday”. I liked the main actor, and his singing voice was very pleasant. It is a typical Richard Curtis movie… And it reminds you that a world without the Beatles would be empty and silent. Then again, if we never knew they existed, we wouldn’t miss them.

Go see that movie, if you have a chance, but don’t question it too much. It’s only entertainment.

4 years ago

It was a Wednesday when the light left your eyes, and your soul left your body.

I can remember that day so very well… I lost a bright star in my life. Jamie’s loss left a huge gape in my heart, in my soul.

My best friend passed away 4 years ago. And although the pain is not as dominant as it was, there are reminders everywhere. And some make me smile, and some make me sad.

Jamie left a void in this world. But the world keeps spinning as if it didn’t care nor matter.

Public message to a private viewer…

I know that you are there and I don’t really care, but I wonder:

If you don’t like what you see, please stop visiting daily. It feels as if you are waiting for me to think the wrong thoughts or write the wrong words. Yes, I know you are there. If you hate me that much, then why do you even bother to stalk my blog? Is your life that boring? Please, get lost. Go away. You know exactly who you are. I can almost feel you bristling with anger. I could call you out personally too, but this is way more fun… You wanted more of my attention? You were waiting for me to react – didn’t you say that you were giving me fodder to gain more pity and attention?! There you go… I hope you are satisfied. Now you have something to share with your friends. Tell them how pitiful I am and how sick I am… Tell them whatever you need to say to feel better. I don’t have time for hate and negativity. Life is too beautiful but if you keep focusing on the bad you will rot from the inside out, and you deserve better than that. Goodbye.

Here we go again…

I write, and I delete.

I decided to cut back on work; doing less over time. I love my job. I am passionate about it, and I believe that I am good at it. I am a brilliant pedagogue. But you know, I signed a contract in which was stated that I work part-time (50%), then I was asked to add six hours, which I gladly did; and when my colleague announced that she is pregnant and was removed from the nursery, I did what was best for the team and the kids, I took a big chunk of her hours (which are paid nicely). I am at 98% now. At first, it was all good, but later I noticed that my family and mostly the kids are the ones who suffer the most. I am not there when they leave for school and 4 out of 5 days, I am not home when they come back. That’s not good. It’s not right. It’s bad parenting, and I don’t want to be a bad mom. So, I decided to cut back and not take on any overtime for a while. My boss already knows. The problem is, I have trouble saying No when I am asked if I can work this or that schedule on top of my own. I see my immediate teammate, and I see the kids and the parents. They all need routines. They need to know that I am present and that I know what I am talking about. During these last months (when I was working more) I also noticed that I was hiding quite a bit. I had my ideas and ideologies, but I had the least hours – I gladly let the others make the decisions and I followed.

I hate making decisions. I am a people-pleaser. Yes, I am opinionated, but I want to be fair and see to it that everyone enjoys the best possible outcome out of my decisions. Alas, that is not feasible. It is a fantasy to believe that everyone I cross likes me and that I treat everyone with the same gentle kindness and humility. I am not always nice. Sometimes, I am a real bitch.

All this to say… I hope that the quality of my writing will improve when my workload lessens. I have too many migraines, and I am too tired to create truly unique and special pieces. Although, from the recent posts, I liked 818 quite a bit.

Next week, I will be without kids. I will have an entire day to myself when the kids are still at summer camp, and I took a day off work.

(of course I have a doctor’s appointment that day, and I will have to lie still for a couple of hours… But hey… That is me-time too!)

Stay positive. ❤