… where fiction and reality merge
Are we paying attention to the silent and the seemingly indifferent?
Are we seeing their unshed tears and hearing their unsaid words?
Are we aware of their uneasiness and their doubts?
Are we able to be kind, gentle, and compassionate to the invisible?
Are we paying attention?
Are we?
We are paying.
Pay attention!
I want to be madly and passionately in love. I want to be less sad. I want to be an optimist. I want to think less. I want to be seen. I want to stay hidden. I want to be free. I want to be alone. I want to never be alone. I want to turn back time. I want to travel in time. I want to undo situations. I want to redo situations. I want to be young. I want to be old. I want to be beautiful. I want people to take me seriously. I want to be somewhere else. I want to vanish. I want to waste my time. I want to daydream. I want a future. I want to be freed of the past. I want to trust you. I want you to trust me too. I want to laugh with you. I want to make you laugh. I want you to make me laugh. I want to cry. I want to cry with you. I want you to make me cry. I want to be intelligent. I want to be merciful. I want to be special. I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring. I want to be at peace. I want to stay melancholic. I want to be your most important memory. I want you to recognize me. I want to be talented. I don’t want to hide. I want to stay compassionate. I want to stay confused and amazed about the world and people. I want to keep contradicting myself. I want to be more than a fantasy. I want to live. I want to be me. I want to know me. I want you to know me. I want to be interested. I want to be interesting. I want to find me. I want to be sensual. I want to step into the light. I want to stay in my darkness. I want to go out of my mind. I want to stay who I am. I want so many different things. I want to be everything. I want to be no one at all.
My bed is empty. My mind is full. I am tired, fighting a headache. Lying in the dark, I am listening to the rain. The window is open, and I feel the breeze on my skin. I know I should be asleep, it would ease the headache and maybe prevent the bad mood I am sure I will suffer in the morning. But I can’t fall asleep. I had troubles letting go the last few nights — dreams; not a nightmare, just unsettling dreams.
I have so many things to say and to share, and yet, they don’t matter, and so I keep them to myself.
There are times when I share most everything on my mind. I let my fingers write, and my mind think, and I just float on that wave that jumps from one thought to the next. I can’t seem to do that right now. (Although I am doing it) It just feels like stealing your time and attention. I know that you give it freely or else you wouldn’t be here, but my mind is trying to tell me that no one cares and that I don’t matter?
Why am I sabotaging myself this much? After all, I am an okay person. Ordinary, but okay.
I ordered new music today (her name is Calla – animal choir). And I watched two movies (untamed heart and pump up the volume) with my favourite actor (Christian Slater). I also listened to music by Coastlands (postrock from Oregon/USA), burnt down an incense stick (sandalwood) and ate pizza (prosciutto). I read a couple of pages in my book (the I undiscovered gyrl by Allison Burnett)…
Who cares?! I want you to care, to be honest, because I want you to care about me. But again, who cares about this narcissistic vanity.
Do you dream about specific colours? I am used to having dreams that repeat themselves. They used to be in a green hue. Like a green veil or fog in front of my eyes… Nowadays that fog or veil is blue, but the images I see – the pictures in my dream are still the same.
Maybe the breeze and the rain will let me fall asleep eventually anyway… Who knows?
The title of this post is French and could be translated to “the time keeps running”
*hugs*
Cathy
One of my biggest and most irrational fears is to be forgotten. Rationally, I know that we don’t forget the people we like. We don’t forget the people who we invite in our lives or hearts. And yet, I am afraid to be forgotten. Once in a while, I ask people not to forget me. It must sound strange to them; maybe even annoying. Just, at that moment, my mind needs a reminder that I am unforgettable.
I am a piece of work.
I am the waves going back and forth, caressing the sand and my lover’s skin. I’m moving, dancing to my own rhythm. I am a song; a feeling; a thought. I am the sun, shining or burning. I am the wind, cooling or bringing destruction. I am the moon, playing hide and seek. I am a smile or a tear. I am everything.
And so are you.
I miss you.
? Huh ?
I miss your presence
I miss the person I am with you
I miss your scent, laughter… (Anything based on sense)
I miss not being alone
I miss your attention
I miss the things you do to impress me
I miss feeling loved/admired
I miss you.
My mind never understands “I miss you.”
Maybe those three words are normal for someone else, for me, I wonder why, what did I do to be missed. I am not special; I am me.
But
BUT…
I miss people and things too. Because they mean something to me. Because their presence makes me feel good. Because they make me feel understood/loved. Because they see me.
Funnily enough… I cannot imagine anyone missing me. I cannot imagine what anyone could miss about me.
And yet
And yet…
I am a special person. Unique. Why wouldn’t anyone miss me?!
My mind is a very strange place. Filled with contradictions.
💜
This was written in a post from March 28th, 2015. It is still valid. The post itself… I would write it differently today because I am not the same person I was in March 2015…
Have a great one everyone
Thank you for everything,
Cathy
2:45 am. I can’t sleep. I woke up from a dream – not a nightmare, but unsettling too. I keep trying to recall my dream, but it is gone – lost in the corners of my mind. I just know that I was wrong about something. I did the worst one can do when unable to sleep; I took my phone and checked notifications. I was on Twitter and on a whim, I unfollowed a couple of accounts, the one of my former favourite band too – turns out they are a bunch of pretentious bellends. It took me almost 20 years to see it. I still appreciate their music; it was the soundtrack of my life, and yet… I really don’t like the people they became. Or is it me?
Am I drifting away from the person I used to be? I feel empty and overflowing. Sad and happy. Tired and wide awake.
How did that happen? When did everything change?
In a little more than 2 hours my alarm will go off, and I need to go to work. Early shift. I like that – if only it started later, lol.
Birds are beginning to chirp outside (the window is open); my husband is snoring next to me, and my mind is thinking too loud.
…
I am tired. These are disappearing feelings fueled by a tired mind. At least that’s what I am telling myself.
You scratched my soul
And I am fading from my body.
You left me invisible to myself
But I am holding on.
Lock away what is left of me.
